5 TIPS to Help Someone Who Struggles With Self-Harm

I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.

[alishad.]

I'm trying to help a friend, i don't have a child..

[breadlebees]

As someone who's recovering from self harm (over 500 days clean) I'd like to add a few things to her list as well.

1. Piggy backing off what Kati covered in her video when she said check in but don't hound. This is crucial to the recovery process, because if you make it easy for your child to talk to you about their self harm then the more likely they are to come to you about it. On the flip side, don't enter their space. It will turn them off to the idea of opening up to you about their self harm.

2. Don't search their room for their self harm tools. Again, it's a HUGE privacy invasion. And believe me as someone who self harmed we have more than tool laying around, and in that moment where we are weakest we'll find something else even if you take away things. Trust is important to your children, so try to make the environment as loving and open as possible at home without adding any fuel to the fire. Your child are struggling with enough without having to worry about their parents rummaging through their private space.

3. listen to understand, not to respond. This is something we all need to do as humans, but especially when your child is struggling with self harm. Empathy is a powerful and underrated emotion. Believe me when I say this, we see you, we love you, but sometimes we need our space, and sometimes we need a hug. It's no one's fault. But having your child's back through their recovery process will strengthen your bond with them and lesson their feeling of loneliness.

[laurenbray]

My best friend is self harming and it's depressing :(

[quintincooper]

I'm a person who is depressed and recovering from self harm to i have not done it for 4 weeks! I tend to make this forever not end it.

[ameliawiseman]

Also don't force them to show their cuts or whatever they've done it's why we've hidden it as we don't want you to see them let them take their own time to show you and also don't force help as they will be more resilient to it and let them take their own time to get the help as they might not be ready and might be ready in a months time just from personal experience as if you try and force us to do things we will end up rebelling against it and just leave us to our own recovery sometimes as it's about us not you I know that sounds selfish and your our parents but just trust us to know that we're recovering and we will recover in our own time :)

[thruiriseyes]

I self harmed for 10 years, then I stopped, now I find out my little cousin is doing it and I'm devastated about it :/ even as someone who self harmed I don't know how to deal with it or what to tell her parents. So I'm watching videos about it. The fact I did it it makes me sad to think she's going through something, I just hope I can help her get through it

[andialice]

I really wish I had this when I told my parents. They were confused and blamed me and thought I was just doing it to piss them off. I hope someone out there can make use of this video.

[verprtectivefangirl]

Lmao wish my mum would watch this. She doesn't understand at all

[dillan-loves-phan]

What about parents that's are the reason you self harm such as if they are toxic or abusive

[meganemt]

Love the concept of videos designed for people/families trying to help and understand these topics. Thank you.

[millieknell]

Hi Kati, here’s my question. Ever since I was little, I’ve felt invalidated about how I feel. My family always acted like nothing was wrong, even though things were falling apart. I wasn’t even allowed to talk about the horrible things that were going on. When I started to self-injure, it finally gave me a way to express what I wasn’t able to say. All I had to do was look at my arms, and it reassured me that my pain wasn’t just in my head. It was real, and I thought no one could deny it anymore.

But when I got involved with mental health professionals, that’s exactly what they did- deny it. Even in the mental hospital and various treatment facilities, the staff said I was just “playing games” and trying to manipulate them. It was- and still is- extremely hurtful to hear that. All I’ve ever wanted is for someone to understand, but instead, people treat me like a terrible person for cutting.

My case manager is disappointed with me and says, “I’m not going to bother telling you not to cut. You already know what you need to do to stop.” She’s acting like this really is a game, like it would be so easy to just stop. And she seems irritated because she bought me coloring books and other coping skills, so she doesn’t see why I still do this. I’m supposed to call her twice every day to let her know I’m okay, but knowing that so many people are disappointed in me makes me feel like giving up altogether. I’m still waiting to see a therapist, but I don’t see the point in trying anymore, because the therapist will probably hate me too. Please help. I don’t know what to do. #KatiFAQ

[jennylove]

One of my friends self harm, it’s a really deep issue. She came to school with self harm scars, I asked her about it (we are like best friend) she opens up to me. We rant to each other to help.

[lindalobstadefenda]

All my parents did was yell "dont do that anymore" and that was that... hint: that doesnt work. Wish I had a vid like this to link back then

[ferna]

It breaks my heart and soul that most of these issues are fixed or, at least, healed, with a simple "what´s going wrong?", "how can I help you?", "What´s hurting you?".

Makes me feel powerless.

[heres_savvy]

I'm singing you praises right now Kati. Thank you so much for making this video!

[michaelstokes]

I work with kiddo's who have this going on in a hospital and your videos are great help to me.. Trying to learn as much and fast as i can to help them out.. Thank you so much..

[oceanvixen]

This video is great if the parents really AREN'T at fault.

I wonder just how many children are self-harming as direct result of abuse, mistreatment or neglect on behalf of the parent to teach coping mechanisms for stress, intense emotions, etc.. I'm betting: Quite a fucking lot of children... Yet, most parents will likely watch this and think, "No, not me. I'm a great parent", and move on.

[Jtingle]

I think the no judgement part is one of the most important things a parent can do. I felt so judged and felt like my mom was so mad and disappointed in me when she found out about my SH. She just started screaming and cussing at me when she found out. It just made things worse and just made me figure out how to lie about it better and hide it better from her. To this day she thinks it was a one time thing and it's something I've struggled with for over 10 years. It's been getting better since I got out on my own and started going to therapy but it's still something I struggle with and wish she could have been a support for me.

[sarofan]

YES perfect! Defenatly sharing, thank you Kati

[foolmeonce]

i used to have a friendship group that consisted of 6 people including myself. my friend (i'll call her annie) was part of that friendship group and we used to be very close. one day, we decided to ask another girl from our class to sit with us during lunch (i'll call her sarah), as the friend she usually sat with was absent from school that day. me, annie and the other 4 people in our friendship group promised each other that we would only let sarah sit with us if her friend was absent, to avoid us from splitting apart. i already knew sarah fairly well, but that day she sat with us, i got to know her a lot better. we discovered that sarah and i shared a passion for dance. my school had a talent show coming up soon, and the teachers in charge of it recommended that we should do a dance together for it (since they knew we had both signed up for some dance clubs and that we were friends). we agreed, but that talent show was very soon, so me and sarah had to practise during lunch. i would still hang out with annie and the rest of the people in that friendship group. right after the talent show, summer holidays came along and all of us from the friendship group sort of spaced out. i never really got the chance to speak to any of them, so i would mainly just hang out with sarah and the friend i mentioned that she would usually sit with. annie would always hang out with another girl from our class (i'll call her katy) it had been a while, and everything seemed ok. anytime i would see annie, or anyone else in the old friendship group, i would smile and wave, but it was never really like it used to be. one day, i just saw annie breaking down into tears and hugging katy. i later found out that annie was crying because it turns out that she had been cutting herself, so katy (who already knew about the self harming) and her decided to go to the nurses office to talk about it, and try heal the cuts. it turns out nobody was at the nurses office, and annie got really upset, because it gave her the impression that they didn't really care about her self harming and also, then when she had got the courage to go and tell someone, they weren't there. i feel like if i was still close to annie, i would've been able to help her, but i wasn't. the next time i see her is tomorrow when i go back to school.

edit: annie has been acting as usual at school, but a lot of people are asking her if she's ok, and i think she's getting a bit overwelmed, but she just says she's fine.