The Gottman Doctors: Women Tend to Be More Unhappily Married & Non-Cuddlers Have an Awful Sex Life!

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are world leading relationship researchers that have been studying couples for over 40 years, publishing over 200 academic journal articles and 46 books. They are the co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab.

0:00 Intro
02:43 What mission are you on & Why study love?
07:06 Studying traits of successful couples
09:03 Link between relationships & our health
12:51 What is the love lab?
15:41 The misconceptions about relationships
17:52 How to connect with your partner
27:44 What is the 'attuned' framework?
32:46 Why does typical couples therapy often fail?
35:17 The 7 Principles of a successful marriage
38:45 Do partners' dreams need to be aligned?
40:45 69% of our problems are not solvable
48:41 What to do when your partner wants to change you
51:19 The four horsemen
58:21 What is flooding?
01:03:31 What's a 'caretaker' in a relationship
01:06:31 Conflict misunderstandings
01:08:34 How to become a master at conflict resolution
01:11:41 How to repair/fix relationship issues
01:19:22 What have you learnt about the role of kissing
01:22:25 The role of sex in a relationship
01:29:58 Our society is becoming more sexless
01:32:18 Men struggling to figure out where they fit into society
01:37:50 What do women really want in a man?
01:39:59 Talking about sex makes your sex life better
01:44:30 Betrayal in a relationship
01:45:14 The traits that show a failing relationship
01:49:20 Asking your partner their dreams
01:51:28 Advice to give a relationship its best shot
01:53:21 The most interesting conclusions from the love lab
01:55:39 What does Julie mean to you, John
01:56:36 What does John mean to you, Julie
01:58:38 Why did you write this book
01:59:54 The Last Guest's question

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This episode of The Diary Of A CEO was filmed at Gold Tree Studios, located in the heart of the Sunset Strip, West Hollywood, California

[TheDiaryOfACEO]

Can I ask you all a favour? If you enjoy this episode, could you please hit the like button 👍🏾 it helps us massively. Appreciate you all! 🙏🏽

[tck]

My husband and I were friends for 2 years before getting together and then married for 25 years until he so tragically and suddenly died of an anuerisom in front of me one morning. I reflect on our love often, and one thing that glued us together was yes cuddling but laughing together, esp when we first woke up. If things ever got heated we would both retreat and then come back together, look at each other's cranky face and burst out laughing. I would just cherish one smile, one more cuddle, one more cranky face lol, and to hear his big laugh again. Treasure each other. ❤

[refreshingtwist]

As a single person listening to this ... I feel the smartest choice is to really only date people that have high emotional intelligence/ are interested in human psychology/ human behaviour. Otherwise, I can imagine that a lot of people listening to this are in a one-sided relationship. Where one person wants to try all these techniques and is excited about it, but the other person is incapable/ has no interest in this stuff. At least, that's the impression I get observing people and relationships.

[tippieyanez]

Why Steven is a great interviewer: he does not interrupt. Very quick and to the point with questions. If he does talk about himself it isnt to brag about how much he knows but to actually admit that he needs help as well and is endlessly curious. Keeps it simple and keeps up the pace in a very fluid way. Makes him so relatable and likeable, but respected all at once. He speaks like an actual man.

[g-erwin]

One of the most beautiful things about this video is their body language toward each other and how intently they listen to each other and try to understand each other on a deep level.

[AmberD-nlod]

My husband and I read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work before we got married. We read it to each other, wrote notes in the book, talked about it. 12 years later we still quote it and use the techniques. I always recommend it. I have gone back to read our notes and it always makes me smile.

[boochi]

I think the irony of this video is that so many people responding to it are complaining about how difficult it is to date today, and the hookup culture, and the inability to make decent connections, and then they'll turn around and go right back to the terrible habits that make their lives, social interactions, and interpersonal relationships just unbearable! There's no magic from just listening to these professionals folks - you have to put in the work and realize that you can't force people to give you what you expect. Lack of self-awareness and accountability is also a huge problem! Everyone wants to blame the culture but no one wants to acknowledge how they contribute to the culture.

[rebekahguilder]

I love how when he pointed out his faults she immediately rushed in to explain that it didn’t come from a place of malice. It’s so kind to assume the best of your partner’s motives.

[jainorr]

My ex used to to pick fights right before bed and then after hours of pointless arguing I’d try to go to sleep and he’d say “you promised we’d never go to bed angry” 😮‍💨 divorce has been great for my sleep hygiene ❤️🙏

[meetandinspire]

"Sixty-nine percent of all problems are not solvable. Once you pick somebody to have a relationship with, you've automatically inherited the problems you'll have for the next 50 years."

"Empathy is probably the most powerful tool we have to really create connection with one another."

[chilleroheftig]

not every non divorced family is an intact family. we have to make a third statistic for families where parents fight so bad they *should* be divorced but stay together

EDIT: i found a paper talking about a similar topic called "being poor doesnt have the same effect as living in chaos" (rob henderson)

[cletusthemysterious]

I love the way she praised her husband when talking about what he meant to her.

[omarhayat]

They are not only telling us about healthy relationships but they gave many demos while talking. How passionately they are listening to each other.

[cefandrius]

3 takeaways for me:
1. Strive for responding to the bids for connection at least 85% of the time
2. Express your own need, wants and feelings and carefully listen for your partner's ones
3. Try not to blame, criticise, defend or stonewalling during conflicts

[vzain]

I just love the way John looked at Julie whenever she talked. He admired and appreciated her so much and it showed in his gaze.

[realtalk]

I am a muslim man and i respect this jewish couple so much. clear and intelligent. Listened to the whole podcast and i totally agree. I am in a happy marriage with a catholic woman and i am currently fasting. And she is very understanding.We compromised in the beginning also how we would raise our kids and how to deal with our famillies. I dont know but it feels like god put us together for a reason. We are not together to hurt each other but to learn from eachother but still dont push your own beliefs or values on others. In the beginning (talking stage) you can really talk about those things and then u can decide if you can accept that. We compromise but also respect eachothers values and wanting to learn from eachother’s religion. I am algerian and my wife is croatian. Currently 15 years together ❤ always listen to your intuition

[hxudxen]

If soul mates truly exist, this couple is the perfect example! Just watching how they talk, look at each other, support, add their knowledge - so much love, respect, understanding clearly visible! The end the way they describe what they mean to each other made me cry. As world is changing so much, so beautiful and rare to see it. That gives me a hope that my decision to wait for partner who is emotionally available, aware and conscious about their own issues as well as having willingness to work together as a team might still come true one day! Thank you for amazing episode - this was both informative and heart warming at the same time.

[livfield]

Why is this adorable old couple making me cry lol they treat each other with so much love, respect and support. It's so refreshing!!!!

[elizabethk]

No relationship is better than a bad one. I've tried, without success, so being in no relationship works for me. People are that basis of all my stress. I'm 76 and in perfect health...no meds, no pain, no past or present illnesses. I love and treat myself the way I've wanted others to treat me, and it works well.

[stellistellostilletto]

Stephen, this may be your best podcast ever. And one of the reasons is your willingness to be vulnerable for all the world to hear, so that we can learn together. Thank you. This video is priceless.