Neurotypical Spouses Tire Over Time: Understanding Caregiver Burnout | Anne MacMillan

Anne MacMillan from R.E.A.L. Neurodiverse dot com discusses the dynamics within neurodiverse ASD families, highlighting the challenges faced by neurotypical caregivers. In families where neurotypical members care for those with Level 1 autism, there is often an imbalance as caregivers take on the role of maintaining calm and managing daily challenges for their autistic family members. Over time, these neurotypical individuals can experience caregiver burnout, leading to exhaustion and frustration. The video explores the complexities of mixed-neurological communication and how professionals often advise caregivers to resume their support without considering the long-term strain already endured. Join Anne as she explores these important topics and the unique experiences of those within neurodiverse ASD marriages.

Neurotypical partners in neurodiverse ASD marriages often work hard to help their partners manage the autism and any comorbid disorders like anxiety and depression. The Level 1 autistic partners are often unaware of their efforts. Over time, the neurotypical partners tire and make the decision to stop helping as much, often leaving the ASD partners feeling wronged.

VIDEO HIGHLIGHTS:

• The role of neurotypical caregivers in neurodiverse ASD families
• Challenges of maintaining balance in mixed-neurological relationships
• The impact of caregiver fatigue and burnout on family dynamics
• Understanding the unique experiences of neurodiverse ASD marriages
• The importance of recognizing the long-term challenges faced by neurotypical caregivers

STAY CONNECTED:

• If you are non-autistic, join our Facebook community for non-autistic intimate life partners of autistics: Facebook Group.

• If you are autistic, join our Facebook community for autistic intimate life partners of non-autistics: Facebook Group.

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ABOUT ME:

I'm Anne MacMillan, MLA, founder of the R.E.A.L. 10-Step Neurodiverse Family Systems Approach. I am a non-autistic neurodivergent with 50+ years of experience with neurodiverse family systems and 20+ years of experience with Level 1 autism and marriage. I have a master's in psychology from Harvard University and have been a neurodiverse relationship consultant and coach since 2017.

#NeurodiverseRelationships #ASDFamilies #CaregiverBurnout #NeurodiverseMarriage #MixedNeurologicalCommunication #AutismAwareness

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[bluedressandsneakers]

Wow, this is incredibly validating. Our marriage counselor told me to ramp up my help & over communicate even more. She gave me all the homework and instructions. She let him off the hook for any and all emotional heavy lifting. I felt so angry and so alone. He refuses to get diagnosed. I went to an asd/nt marriage counselor on my own. She said that if I was going to fight for my marriage, I had to first acknowledge that I would *never* get my emotional needs met by my husband. Ever. We could change the communication a bit, but I would be the one to compensate and compromise. It’s asking so much. So so much.

[dkb]

i’m so exhausted. My LONG neurodiverse marriage (I stayed for the children) sucked the life out of me.
If only I had known before I married him… but I was young/naïve, and he was very well masked. It eventually caught up with us and was really hard on everybody.

[SB_McCollum]

I watched my parents go thru this except we had no idea that my mother was autistic or that I was. I did all that I could for her after they divorced, but she nearly killed me with all of her needs. For people that are technically "high functioning, " the decline over time is difficult for everyone, but it's perceived completely differently by all parties involved. I'm glad to see people at ASD Level 1 being diagnosed more often now, but even late makes for some terrible regrets. "If only I had known..."

[bettyplayle]

Thank you for this. I’m a NT woman who’s married to an autistic man. We discovered what was really going on after we’d been married over 40 years!!!
Yes, I’m exhausted and truly welcome your perspective. It’s taken me 4 1/2 years to properly come to terms with the new reality of my situation. I needed to hear your words so thank you again. Please keep posting.

[camellia]

This is why professional support and proper case management is required on an ongoing basis- there is next to no NHS support for so called high functioning Autistic adults here in the UK.

[ILuvThunderclan]

This is also true for partners of people with adhd. Im pretty sure its been a big factor in the ending of my last two relationships. I hate feeling like the other person feels that they need to take care of me, I try so hard to keep that from happening, but ive had no success. I just feel like a burden and that maybe im better off alone.

[JenniferKastelic]

I am ND with an NT spouse and we both have learned, long ago, that we are partners, friends and lovers and that neither of us is responsible to meet the others emotional or any other needs. We must do our own work and then meet and share and support. We practice boundries which can all change over time. We practice showing up. And we are lucky we still have the hots for each other. Finding out I was ND has been a huge relief for both of us as it answers so much and I am much kinder to myself/using less energy in shame and harsh thoughts.

[EshaBby]

This is the most validating video ive come across so far for NT spouses WOW.

[strictnonconformist]

Currently in commercials before a movie in the theater and I'll watch this later. I've never been married, over 50, autistic/ADHD and from my POV I've had to mask all my life around everyone, or not mask and stand out or points in between while an NT has time and space away from an ND, and I'd wager never has to mask: I guess (before viewing this video) I can't say I see this as being more than NTs whining about what they thought they had and would have for life, as opposed to the truth.

The thing is, masking is all about survival in the realm of NTs because of their nature of going out of their way to destroy by any means necessary everyone that doesn't conform to their irrational self-righteous demands. Am I bitter? If you had always had to watch out for it knowing no matter how hard you try to not do anything to offend someone merely by existing, and still being a target, based on a long painful history of bullying and abuse, can you honestly tell me you wouldn't feel the same? I doubt it.
(Edited due to finding a couple mistakes provided by autocorrect)

[my-rocket]

I am the ASD Spouse. We have two young adults, ASD children. When we got married, awareness of Neuro, diverse relationships was limited. A friend gave us a book titled “the silicon syndrome“. It basically described Nuro diverse couples frequently found in Silicon Valley.
It has been my experience that much of the stress and strain experienced by the typical partner is from the effort of attempting to fix or correct the ASD partner. This experience matches what I have heard from other ASD’s partners. My ASD father allowed my mother free reign in her attempts to fix us. That brought a special level of hell to my childhood. When I saw my wife and trying to force our children to be more normal, I had to step in to protect them. She could not fathom an ASD person being successful while unfixed. I made enough space for them to find themselves, and become far more successful in their lives than she thought was possible.
I do realize my spouse feels exhausted. So do we. I 27 years of protecting your self from being fixed is traumatic.

[sin]

Thanks for having this video, it does really told exactly how I feel, being together with a Autistic & ADHD partner.

From whatever material I can find online regarding to NT-ND relationship, that are always asking NT to accommodate ND more, to adjust their communication better for ND more but... NT are also humans, we will get tired, we will get drained. We want to continue the relationship but if the ND partner couldn't do anything from.theito help themselves or help the relationship, is really hard for us. Thanks for telling out how the NT partner would feel. Really feel validated.

[Aaron-tmez]

Thank you for this video. My wife 65 with a epiphany and then a formal diagnosis of level 1 spectrum.non bi polar, non adhd was a relief after 14 years of marriage. Character judgement left instantly. I apologize and let her know I want to help. We are in the beginning of this challenge with knowledge but no practical way to make transitions easier or understanding she has had this in utero.she is angry and sad and disappointed. She is also glad that she knows……for now
I’ve been off balance in some areas since we met. I love her and my life is better with her
I feel she is tiring and masking is less important…..double edged sword. I get less considering on a range of issues. First therapy session today ……
I joined a support group for my self first meet is June 20

[Plethorality]

Nt brains can get worse over time, too.

[janetebonanno]

where have you been? The only advice I have found advice from ‘ND’ prospective

[RLCinGA]

Where does the NT wife find help and support?

[see]

No truer words.... It's exhausting my GD constantly trying to reassure her ASD husband she's not going to leave him. Telling him if she hasn't by now, she's not going to doesn't even work. It's like he forgets. Not even his therapist can figure out what triggers these bouts of panic. They have tried many suggested "solutions" over the last ten years, but none seem to work.

[lizardme]

My advice is to reach out to family and friends to help. Invite them into your home to see the challenges the nt spouse is experiencing first hand. It frees the nt spouse to have a break away from the regular daily routine.😊

[chrisgames]

What can a NT do if a high functioning autistic can not accept their situation?

[TheGenbox]

One answer - stop patronising AS folk like they are children / being the eternal martyr . If you the NT is tired, then what do you think the person with AS is - they are equally tired of you, and feeling they are the one needing the adjustments. Cultural bound expectation play more than a small part, so that two folk in the therapy chair, not just he AS person and you learning what wrong with their communication style. Cassandra Syndrome is problematic in that it often tries to fix the AS person, and not the marriage itself. Cassandra Syndrome doesn't exist - that's the nature of syndromes - they are a compound of many things, often including culture bound expectations (and thus disappointment) and you can't fix anything other than a graze with a sticking plaster applied to one person.
We all can be guilty of this blinding of ourselves until the scales fall from our eyes, as the chemistry and perceived 'needs' take over; but AS isn't something that just pops up - if it surfaces cos of the inevitable duress of life's trials (sometimes self-applied), it was there at the beginning - you just didn't to see it, or think it was important.

[Desmondbrown]

There is no such thing as a neurotypical spouse..if someone is on the spectrum i guarantee that their spouse is as well, nervous systems /adrenaline glands Control who you choose