The Real Problem With Toxic Relationships

Dr. K’s Guide to Mental Health explores Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, and Meditation

#shorts #drk #mentalhealth

[HealthyGamerGG]

Check out Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health! Link in bio

[jjno]

"you go the extra mile for others, except yourself"

[Auscii]

I like to think an ideal relationship is 2 people going the extra mile for each other, rather than doing the bare minimum. But doing that and expecting it back usually doesn't work and can be toxic itself..

[laurelgardner]

This is where it should start. As time goes by and trust builds, you can hopefully get to the point where you go ten miles every day this week because you know they'll do the same for you next week.

[starrnanigans]

All of my dating attempts and my friendships lately have been like this. I finally realized I needed to step back and not constantly be the one reaching out/making the drive when I realized, “If I were getting married, I don’t even know who I’d have for a maid of honor, let alone a full bridal party, because NO ONE has tried to keep a friendship going unless I initiate.” And it sucks. 💔

[aj]

It hurts so much that he’s speaking so many truths. Did it for almost 3 years. I went the extra mile to feel the love and void and in the end I’m single.

[AltruisticWarrior]

Lol my wife... 16 years of this. To the point, I have to pay for a massage. I give them to her all the time as her back and shoulder bother her from sitting in her office chair wrong half the day. I open several hundred manholes a day and do 4x squats each one while bending over to reach the ground when spraying pesticide in them. She complains a lot and I effectively just serve to ease the complaints. The few times I've complained, made suggestions or questioned double standards, it ends with her becoming enraged and just leaving without a word or threatening divorce... thankfully I always keep the best eye on our son and anticipate it.

Our 2.5 year old son drowned a few months ago. She asked me to go in the house and make her food. Our son was running around playing in the yard at a party with a pool nearby. She was so busy talking and so comfortable with me keeping an eye at nearly all times... she didn't think to watch him. I came back outside to ask if she wanted condiments and promptly noticed he was nowhere to be seen. I asked where he was and she had no idea. Panicked, I ran through the house looking for him and couldn't find him. It was a party and people had let him in the house or outside several times that day. When I couldn't find him in the house, I knew... I bolted back through the house, knocking over someone in the process and nearly breaking the sliding glass door opening it too fast and hard. As I bolted through the yard, my wife was still talking to people and put no effort into finding him. I get to the pool and see his head velow the water, open but lifeless eyes and his hair so peacefully standing up. I dove into the pool fully clothed and immediately lifted him from the water and started CPR as I layed him on the pool deck. Thankfully after what seemed like too long, he coughed and water went everywhere. I angrily and joyfully picked him up and firmly gripped him to my chest. He then started gagging and vomit wentball over me as I held him but I didn't care, he was alive. My wife had just finally walked over and panicked. I was incredibly angry but didn't say a word as I held him. Our son is not one to sit still but he clung to me for several minutes and would cling harder if I tried to hand him off to her. After the party, she broke down and accepted responsibility... initially. Within a few days she was then convinced that it was partly my fault as I didnt communicate to her that she needed to watch him... after asking me to go in the house and prepare her food.

In this moment I questioned if I wanted to keep this marriage going. I had forgiven infidelity the year prior, she claimed was nothing to apologize for and I had to just accept it. I only did for the sake of our son. I come from an incredibly broken home, she had not. I always wanted to raise our son in a cohesive home. But I'm starting to realize that she has a one sided relationship with not just me but our son. She also cannot accept responsibility for anything, never has over the years. Do I want to raise our son with a mother that does this to him? Increasingly I don't believe so.

We all get burnt out and have moments where we yield on our efforts but some other people are effectively vampires emotionally, financially, physically and so on. The moment you become burnt out from carrying the burden for two, the poor behaviors of theirs as a result are placed squarely on you. Any direct proof of their misdeeds will be dodged and countered... learn from me, don't accept this. Her and I were 19 and had no relationships and were virgins. With a broken home, I had no concept of healthy boundaries either... but I'm learning.

[cryptidian]

Some people are just really desperate to be with someone and don't want to be lonely any more, so they sacrifice themselves for the sake of not being alone, even though they actually end up in what looks like a one way relationship.

[zaksmith]

I’ve realized in my marriage that I was setting up my wife to not go the mile because I was always going the extra mile myself. If that’s the case, WHY would she spend a second walking???

It ended up with a lot of bitterness and resentment on my end, and some toxic behavior, to be honest. Finally I realized that I’m putting in my half, and only half, and as I saw her struggle with the loneliness, she began to grow and step outside her comfort zone.

Sometimes it means I choose to distance myself emotionally from the relationship if I don’t feel heard, and those times are truly difficult for me, but I’ve begun to see how my previous behaviors were really about trying to get her to meet my needs as opposed to seeking fulfillment of those needs in God first, and then seek to meet them myself.

We’re still a work in progress, which I expect will always be the case, but things are better now than they’ve ever been. I’m truly grateful to Dr. K because a lot of things I’ve implemented that have helped me grow as a person have come directly from him.

[vivvpprof]

Sometimes your need to be in a relationship is so strong, you'll go ten times around the equator… and back.

[shishishii]

I basically do this with everyone. I'll only give my effort equals to what you're willing to give me. I'm tired of chasing anything in life so I'll only help you if you're willing to help yourself.

[shingaki.channel]

and this also happens with just friends... is it the fear of rejection or the idea that if not doing that one ends up alone...

[nickyoung]

A lot of times going the extra mile can make you look desperate and needy. “Nice guy’s” are like this. The answer is to give them the space and the chances to go the mile for you.

You can’t give someone EVERYTHING because then there’s nothing left for them to want

[ArilenaMoon]

I learnt this the hard way and it is 100% true. A relationship of this type also made me even more appreciative of the people in my life who do put in the same amount of effort and genuine affection. Those are the true relationships to cherish and hold on to.

[ic]

Sometimes these shorts make me anxious like "omg, is this actually happening in my life??" While it really isn't. I understand they are to raise awareness but without the nuance this can be anxiety inducing. Message was meant to be positive and awareness raising though

[paymansalehishafa]

Recognizing when a relationship will not work are these subtle clues in the beginning.

[MS-wegn]

What does it mean if you’re ALWAYS this person? In every friendship, relationship, etc? No one I’ve ever met has reciprocated equally. I feel like I give, give, give and care with all of my heart, but get nothing in return from the other person. I’ve never met someone who is like me.

[m.g.]

How do you become more secure?

I was in an unhealthy relationship and when I wouldn’t receive the same amount of effort that I was putting into the relationship, I would feel like it’s my fault for not being enough for them. It’s an insecure belief and I want to know how to prevent that from seeping into my thoughts again, and feel more secure of myself when someone says something that can be hurtful

[Insightsandperspective]

Straight facts. Don’t over exert yourself. I don’t. Well said Dr.

[bridgetgress]

This is funny to me because this literal example happened in my relationship. Fortunately both of us were willing to go the extra mile at different points according to our ability. He spent one summer without a car so i had to drive an hour to see him for a few months, but prior to that he had been willing to drive multiple hours, or even take the bus, to come see me. So I'll call it even lol. Now we're married 😂