Is Divorce Better Than An Unhappy Marriage? | Paul Friedman

Countless couples wonder if getting a divorce is better than staying in an unhappy marriage. Paul Friedman discusses it, then offers a better question to ask. Even when you are experiencing troubles that make it seem impossible to turn around your marriage, it still CAN be turned around! You can gain the happiness you first sought when you wed, and this video will both encourage you and offer some practical steps to take.

This is a good question however, it's not the ultimate question you should be asking.

First of all, if you have children it's not better. Honestly, you are better off for the children's sake of staying together even if your marriage was unhappy. Granted that is my personal point of view. It is based on statistical evidence of what happens to children, who have to go through a divorce.

However, I'm going to admit it's my personal point of view but what this is really all about isn't a question about whether you should get a divorce really it's a question about what you should do now that your marriage is unhappy. I'm going to move this over to that.

You got married to be happier than you were otherwise, right?

And in the beginning, when you got to know each other, you realized, "This is the person who I feel good enough about that I want to spend the rest of my life with", and most people think this is your soulmate.

They feel a connection at the heart level and in the mind, they've already done an evaluation to determine, "Oh, this is a good person. This is the right person."

And then you get married and things start slipping. Sometimes slowly, sometimes it's indiscernible in the beginning, but it's surely slipping.

You don't have that happiness that you expected and rightfully so.

You don't have that happiness that you expected. Let's take a look at that first, shall we? Let's examine, why not?

I'm going to fill you in on what I've discovered to be the number one unhappiness causing problem that occurs in every single divorce.

It's called "over-familiarity." This actually is the root of all your other problems, pretty
much.

When you first got together you were very careful to be considerate, to be polite, to want to know what your spouse or soon-to-be spouse liked, and what they didn't like. You were careful not to step on their toes, to make sure you didn't say things that would hurt their feelings.

But what happens is, we all go into a marriage with expectations that are frankly not reasonable. We have expectations that our spouse is going to make us happy and I'm telling you that's an unreasonable expectation because only you have the power to make yourself happy.

When you put that expectation on your spouse you're setting yourself up for failure.
You're also setting yourself up to fall into a cycle where they don't deliver your happiness and so you become dissatisfied with them. You start finding flaws, you start criticizing and this cycle builds, and you have a descending situation, and you have a marriage that's falling apart.

Until at some point, you're going, "Man, this just sucks. I want out. Am I going to be happier when I get out?" Well, no because as someone who I knew once said to me wherever you go you bring yourself with you and this is what happens to couples when they get a divorce.

Generally, they're going to get more than one because they haven't learned how to be married and here I'm getting to what I think is the most important point of this whole video and that is that unless you know how to be married.

Watch the video for more!

#marriageanddivorce #marriagewithoutdivorce #marriage
#marriageproblems

[TheMarriageFoundation]

Sincere and determined people need truthful information and a good plan to escape the cycle and hole you are in. Incredible marriages ARE possible. They are achieved by:
1. Learning about the mind and mastering it so your changes are permanent and you are always growing.
2. Learning how to behave, and not behave in marriage friendly ways
3. Making unconditional love and ever-expanding happiness your primary and constant missions.

[biancaalgeria]

What if you are a positive person and you do make yourself happy but your spouse is a very negative person and puts you in a bad mood as soon as you get home.

[Amanda_The_American_Mom]

I have been married for 10 years and we have 3 young children. I am a believer in Jesus christ and feel like im the only one who tries to keep our home and family together. He would rather lay in bed watching his cellphone and he can't communicate to me without yelling. Idk what to do anymore I just feel like either way I'm losing but losing my dad back in July made me realize how short life is. Yet watching my mom mourn his loss and my own grief has been horrible. I just don't know what to do anymore bc I feel like I'm walking on eggshells constantly and raising our 3 children alone 😪 😔 😕 Lord help me. 🙏

[XxxXxx-euyw]

Wrong choice can lead to wrong marriage

[RayMak]

You’re the true definition of Old is Gold. Your wisdom and knowledge far surpasses all the others I’ve seen so far. Anyway you look fabulous!

[Enteringthepresence]

I’ve been stuck for the last 6 months on whether or not I should seperate or divorce my wife after watching your video you have given me the motivation to stay married and do my best I can and don’t give in to the lies of the enemy

[MH-dmev]

I have been married 17 yrs and unhappy for 15. Only together because of the kids. We both know this. But it’s hard. We both know when the kids are older we will most likely divorce in a few yrs.

[RayMak]

Every marriage have their own winter. I’m glad my mom and dad stayed strong through and through and they are happy now. And I have always had a strong and intact family even though there were some hiccups here and there. But people today, they simply can’t commit

[XxxXxx-euyw]

Marriage is not for everyone... Marriage doesn't need to be the normal for successful life

[joshuamac]

I enjoy hearing how you speak about marriage. It's hard to find anymore and it's peaceful to my mind and heart to hear your thoughts. I married late in life at the age of 35 and I come here when my marriage is going through the ups and downs. I always seem to remember while I'm listening to you that there's way more than just me not being happy at times. That she of course has her moments when she isn't happy. We are at the 3 year mark and the arguing is frustrating and exhausting. We have twin girls and another on the way. And I wouldn't dare ask for a divorce because of the children. But I often ask myself, when will my wife start to take it on herself to watch videos like this? Maybe I should take it upon myself and share your videos with her. Thank you sir for what you do!!! 🙏 You're a blessing

[ttanda]

Does this advice apply if your spouse is alcoholic with a tendency to violence.

[ebrowniebites]

Forgive me, but there appears to be some ideas driven by your generation here. Two miserable parents are not better for children than a divorced couple who are happier individually. A miserable married person is a miserable parent.

[inserter]

I was with my wife for 15 years before we got married, the relationship fell apart after we got married.

[sunflower]

I have realised just how selfish some married couples are, they always think of what the other one is doing to them but never admitting they wrong or they are the problem. If you truly love something you take good care of it and unconditionally show love

[bgbahindwa]

So if you found out after getting married that's your husband lied to you about his mental health he was taking medication but did not tell you and secondly they tempeted to kill you( by poisonning your food) twice in the same marriage what to do?

[RS-qjxv]

We r fine most of the time. But when we argue, my husband does everything he can to annoy me and get me to start fight. Then immediately he blames me of infidelity. All these years(20) i didn’t know why i would get beaten up by him. Now I know his tricks, i have 2 boys 18 and 15. 18 yr old is in college and am just waiting for the 15 yr old to graduate from high school. I need a plan to just walk away from him. After i have put all his tricks together, I just fee l bad for letting him annoy me and trigger me and blame me of sleeping with other men and women. That triggers me and without my knowledge i go into defensive mode and he physically attacks me. I have many broken bones and just last week he sprayed bath tub cleaner in my eyes which has left my eyes blurry. After these many years only now did i sit down and figure how he is able to trigger me and hurt me. When he becomes angry he turns a monster and later pretends like he doesn’t remember what he did. I am just so tired and done.

[tamt]

Thank you! Best on marriage I have heard so far. This is what I preach, "make your marriage happy". Amen

[tametra_lasha]

Paul, it is our job to make ourselves happy, but what do you recommend when one spouse is making the other unhappy? (Killing their joy, e.g. by regularly leaving them with the kids to hang out late)

[WCRealtor]

I'm on the verge of a divorce. Wondering if its the right choice. There is just too much damage done

[Anonymous..]

Thank you, I’ve been listening to you and trying to put your words in practice. I’m going through a very difficult marriage.
I would like to hear something regarding toxic in-laws and how to deal with this especially when a sister in-law has a lot off influence over my husband. Thank you