Narcissist Shame and Guilt - Whats under the mask?

The narcissist has a lot of shame and guilt that are the surface. These two things can dictate a lot of responses and actions with the narcissist. What does that actually look like in practicality each day or in an argument?

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Tune in to hear the perspective of a self aware narcissist. That’s me - Ben Taylor a narcissist in recovery trying to promote awareness, healing, growth and change. I do that by these videos on here, TikTok, Instagram and Facebook.

Platforms I am on:

[ashleyg]

This video is sooo good! Mine used to always say that he always felt like I was attacking him and I honestly wasn’t. I was always trying to make him see how much he was hurting me. Accountability feels like an attack when you don’t want to accept responsibility that your actions are hurting another. It would always hurt so much that I would have panic attacks and crying uncontrollably and it didn’t affect him at all! Thank you for being so open and honest! The way you explain your feelings makes it easier to understand.

[lberntson]

He always told me everything was my fault. His cheating and lying was my fault. I finally realize it had nothing to do with me.

[mayanmist]

The pain caused by Narcissism is unbearable. The blame shifting, the verbal abuse and range they dump on you because they need to unload is horrendous.

[are-you-awake-yet]

True they were broken as a child, however as an adult they have the responsibility like all to change that within themselves to be healed adults

[Jere]

Thank heavens I found you. I was seeing so much content on narcissim saying that they feel no quilt or shame. I saw some expert blatantly saying if you can feel regret you are not narcissist. This is so wrong. Narcs are built on shame and guilt but the feeling is too much for them so they find literally anyone to blame rather than themselves.

Lets say narc buys something from a door to door salesman. They regret and feel shame for buying it but blame their crying child for keeping them up all night for making them lack judgement in the moment they made the decision. They feel amazing after they no longer are responsible for their lack of judgement.

They even want you to say they have no conscience or guilt they take bride in that. They see them as strong an capable when they are called that. This is where all the grandiose stuff comes from. Misdiagnosing them. They hate shame and guilt so much when our "professionals" say they have none they think of themselves as superhuman and will never stop their actions.

The grandiosoty is not only compensatory but also I believe a mechanism by which these narcissits moderate their shame, guilt and all the negative qualities and attributes about themselves that they do not like, fear, or wish would dissappear. Its a life of constant lying and running away from.

[beautyshines]

If a person don't forgive those people the caused their traumatic backstories, there's a big tendency that they become narcissist because want to make revenge by hurting other people. Forgiveness can repel their emotional baggages and help them to be a better person.

[chan]

This was extremely brave. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. It's not easy, but you're doing a great job, keep it up. Over time I hope you find it easier, be patient with yourself.

[BambiOnIce]

I keep saying - I don’t need his shame. He tried to put his shame on me. He hid me from his family, his friends, his colleagues. Oh, just awful, awful, awful. The avoidance, the rages, the blaming… The refusal to commit to me. Trying to make me feel like something is wrong with ME. Honestly, I don’t think I’m overreacting when I say their behaviour borderlines on evil.

[niyserenjiy]

Some Narcs get fuel from other ppls crying 😢

[geniagoltz]

This one made me cry! I’m so proud of you! Takes a strong person to do what you’re doing! I thank you! This hit home with me to a T!!! I used to react to my husband‘s rage. I finally realized it just makes him rage even worse and abuse even more. I finally just stopped reacting and he realized it and said you don’t even care and you don’t even react. My response was, “Why should I? I’ve heard it so many times before!” My husband won’t admit anything except finally, he did admit to me that he realizes his behavior is cyclical. I told him that until he is wanting to stop that behavior, we will never work. He still lies. He still abuses. He still gets angry and frustrated. He still won’t allow me to bring things up to him, as you explain, he takes that as I’m shaming him and I’m not! I’m trying to have a conversation. I’m contemplating on asking him to listen to your video. Don’t know if that’s such a good idea but my gosh it explains everything very clearly. There’s just so many deep, huge lies I’ve discovered that I don’t think it matters. Your messages are amazing and very helpful to us that are trying to understand these spouses and partners that we are with and what they are doing to us. It helps me realize, finally, that I am not crazy. For so long I thought I was. This abuse is just incredible!

[lovesakitas]

I’m going to re-phrase because it helps me understand what is meant better. When a narcissist feels “shame” (guilt) they don’t want to “look” at it. They want to hide it and hide from it. I do understand somewhat what this means because I’m didn’t want to deal with my narcissist mother, and so the consequence that I am left with is to feel NOTHING. No feelings because somehow not “looking” at them inactivates the ability to feel.

[freedomofspeech]

“I’m going to fix the problem by attacking the person”. Your right it doesn’t make any sense I appreciate your honesty as to how narcs operate. This is very helpful.

[salizme]

God bless you. Jesus, please bless this man. His honesty will help so many. Sir, I sent your video to my oldest son. Ty

[alaynjones]

I think this is a lot of what many people forget. If they can see past the shame and see that there isn’t anything they need to be ashamed of. Which the shame is not real shame it’s toxic shame. I really think they can heal.

[kathyseaborne]

My son is a narcissist. I've never seen it before. My Dil revealed that he's cheated there entire relationship. Recently she has stopped allowing him to control her. He put her and his kids out the house and moved another woman in. I'm so against him. Still loving him from a distance. Trying to understand what happened. I am a christian. I raised him from age 10 to be a christian. He revealed to me he was molested by a family member. But he's refusing to get help. Praying for deliverance. Thanks for your honesty

[Jettingred]

Excellent description of the cycle of the Narcissist verses the person they are attacking. I was an Empath trying to help a friend(alcoholic Overt Narcissist) who had lost his mate of 34 years. I had no idea what I was about to go through. It was an absolute hellish nightmare! I wasn’t prepared at all. The honeymoon phase, the gaslighting, the obscene Rages. I spent most of my time silent locked in a guest room listening to the vilest verbal assaults. I had known this man off and on for over 40 years, but NOTHING prepared me for this onslaught! Thankfully, I finally left and started educating myself in all things Narcissistic! I am now NO CONTACT by choice. He sadly is still drinking, doing drugs and involved with a married Mormon woman using him for money, at the ripe old age of 71. The rages have increased as has his delusional state. I thank GOD every day for the strength that helped heal me. TY for your site. I’m sure it can’t be easy to open up and express your most inner feelings. Please know that you are helping many that have been victims of Narcissistic abuse👼❤️😇🙏

[Paige]

Thank you for the.. honesty. Last weekend was the first time i did not cried but used his own words against him...hè was getting frustrated....and raged...i told him to get the hè... Out of my house. Hè yelled...dont want you in my life again....i dont want any contact with you anymore...hè blocked me. This is the first time hè did that....

[rosemaryrogers]

Best of luck on your journey...please find success

[virgomoon]

You are so right on, you even mentioned panic attacks you would trigger. I would get panic attacks when he would escalate and I couldn’t calm him down, it was a runaway train that couldn’t be stopped and at the end everything was my fault. You bring me hope he can heal which is what I wish for him. Thank you for taking the uncomfortable place of speaking and owning it and helping others understand it.