Emotionally immature mother struggles with empathy

Emotionally immature parents (EIP) struggle deeply in situations they see their children hurting or struggling.

Their own internal discomfort and lack of attunement to the emotions of others typically creates a defense mechanism where they dismiss the emotions of others.

DISMISSING SOUNDS LIKE:
“It’s really not a big deal”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea”
“You’re strong, just move on”
“Don’t be dramatic”

There also tends to be a focus on their own emotional state. In this example the mother gives her own opinion of her daughter’s partner “your father and I never liked him anyway.” The disconnect here is that her daughter is in pain and suffering a very real loss. Emotionally immature parents struggle deeply to step outside of themselves to see that loss. To understand that pain. And to remove themselves from the situation— which is the foundation of support.

This is not because the parent doesn’t want to be supportive or is a “bad” parent. It’s because they too lacked that support growing up and do not know how to truly connect.

Thankfully, at any time anyone can increase their emotional maturity. The best way to practice is to stop the impulse of sharing how *you* feel. To listen. To just be there with the pain of another instead of trying to dismiss it to remove yourself from the comfort.

If you know you have an EIP, the best thing you can do is understand the level of support they’re capable of giving. Find other people who give you the space to self express. It can feel hurtful or frustrating to get responses like this— but they’re not personal. They’re a reflection of their internal state and developmental age #selfhealers

[jojobookish]

The factor missing here, that a lot of people in the comments are missing, is that Mom jumps straight to "he wasn't good enough" and "you can find someone else" without ever acknowledging Daughter's feelings about the situation. It's immediately an "I told you so" moment, followed by "now just move on". Even if Mom is totally right and Dude was no good, Daughter is coming to her for comfort, not a lecture, and Mom is refusing comfort and providing only a lecture.

When a mom's first impulse when faced with a child's emotional crisis (even an adult child) is to do what is portrayed here, it communicates that the kid's emotions are unimportant and do not matter. It makes the kid/adult kid feel stupid for having emotions.

[marysullivan]

There was never any empathy directed toward me, just anger and disgust that my problems existed.

[Dianaxox]

Next level of immature parent is when they always take the other side and convince you that you’re too picky and will stay alone forever. Thanks.

[Anne-gool]

That sigh when you hope you'll connect with someone you really want to and there's nothing there

[mkthinks]

When you are hurting and looking for support from someone, what you really want is mirroring. To hear: "you are so right this is messed up, no wonder you are hurt." That brings comfort and validation. That is empathy. I see you. I can understand why you feel this way. Not "well I always knew you were making a mistake hanging out with that guy."

[Anon-qcie]

Generally, my mom will turn the conversation to something related to herself for about an hour. Then she'll say to remember things will get better and quickly hang up. Some ppl just aren't able to go there or be present.

[FantasmagoriaAhoy]

They think "I told you so" is empathy....also, you didn't tell me anything. Ever. You just agreed with my bullies. So glad you're gone.

[Clodidi]

Parents like these turn these situations into a competition about how fast they can turn around their kids problems into their own issue.

[ThePossumone]

Trouble is really when we are hurt like this we really want comfort and validation and to be heard
MOST people not just mums are poor at empathy and active listening
We have to learn it

[Tiblitz]

My mom when I told her of an unplanned pregnancy: "stop crying about it, you're not the first person this has happened to." Thanks, mom!

[Mcg]

Both of my parents are like this. My therapist told me about a book called adult children of emotionally immature parents. It was pretty spot on. I plan on getting the workbook next.

[helendunn]

Critical parent, yikes! "You made a bad choice. It's your fault he hurt you." 😢😢😢❤

[goldenbird]

This can also be true with emotionally immature "best friends" who struggle with empathy.

[zcargirl]

Oh man. This is my mom. Zero filter and zero tolerance for emotions that aren’t happy. When my childhood best friend of 30 years was suddenly killed in a car accident and I was really struggling with the shock & grief a month later, she told me to “snap out of it.” Because any emotion made her uncomfortable so therefore we weren’t allowed to have them.

[dazzlingextremes]

My momma used to say the same stuff to me... And unfortunately, until you heal inside and know your own worth, someone else not being a soft place to land leads far too often to returning to the abuse bc they are being kind for rhe moment. Parents need to just be a soft place to land. No matter their opinions.

[Sunnykiwi]

Dealing with things like this now with my two year old and MIL. MIL told her not to throw a toy. Perfectly reasonable request. My two year old responded by crying and saying she just wanted to practice throwing. Perfectly normal response for someone of her age and ability to handle big feelings. The problem was my MIL next reaction. She immediately told her, "okay now none of that, there's no reason to cry. " In a matter of fact tone. This icky made things worse and I had to jump in and tell my daughter crying is okay and feeling sad is okay. The situation got worse when my husband went back to old patterns in front of his mom and told our daughter her behavior was unpleasant and we would leave if she didn't stop. I took her outside and let her cry and we talked until she felt better. I'm sharing this not to complain or have anyone be judged, but to remind people that empathy is important and if it's not taught at a young age, could have negative impacts all through adulthood. My husband realized his mistake later. We communicated the importance of acknowledging our daughters feelings and not shaming her due to our personal discomfort.

[liana]

Then there's the mom who will say, "it's too bad it didn't work out with Tom" as if it was a mistake to leave a bad relationship.

[ryladante]

This is my mom anytime I bring up a big issue with her. I always get judged and ridiculed. That's not what I'm looking for. I want support, and as someone said, mirroring my emotions back at me.

[citygirlingraham]

My mother never acknowledged my feelings, she has always put herself into my situation. Drives me bonkers.

[HillbillyYEEHAA]

My mum used to say crap like this to me, yet her break ups meant the world ended.