The Problem With Being “Too Nice” at Work | Tessa West | TED

Are you "too nice" at work? Social psychologist Tessa West shares her research on how people attempt to mask anxiety with overly polite feedback — a practice that's more harmful than helpful — and gives three tips to swap generic, unhelpful observations with clear, consistent feedback, even when you feel awkward.

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[emiliog.]

Some workplaces, it doesn’t matter how nice you are. They’re sometimes just filled with assholes. If you work with intelligent adults, it makes everyone happier.

[Nelo]

TL;DR being nice makes your feedback general, sound lazy, and not helpful. But don't juxtapose it against being honest, there are ways you can be both. Just clarify that you want to give deeper feedback to the reciever and see if that's actually something they want.

[Cacuofa]

The real reason is that people focus on themselves. As harsh as it may sound, no one actually cares, and no one wants to stand out. No one wants to put a speaker in a tough spot with a difficult question in front of an audience. No one wants trouble at work or in places they don't really care about, so being nice is the easiest, quickest solution. That's why fights and discussions usually happen with people we love and truly care about.

[munchkin]

I'm "too nice" at work because I don't have the energy for anything else. The purpose of genuine feedback is to help the other person or organization improve — at the risk of offending and hurting your job stability. Not worth it, not in this economy.

[rhythmrecall]

Being too nice is definitely me. This talk was fascinating

[blurrble]

Anxious nice pretty much sums up my whole personality

[davibaby]

This is so powerful. As a black person working in hospitality since I was 12, moving to NYC from the South, trying to explain nicety differences even among the smartest people I know as native New Yorkers (elite) or people that went to grad school or operate in six figure jobs, regardless of race, class, etc. Almost all of them have no real responses to these tough questions and it makes me extremely disengaged to stay in NYC.

[kevinperez]

Sometimes you have to fake nice when others control your paycheck if you are not. You at least have to know the vibe/ emotional maturity level before you are able to be emotionally honest.

[clairjunior]

It’s one thing to be genuinely nice and another to be fake nice. I hate the latter.

[CinderellaRaptured]

All my life I’ve been raised by my parents teachers and society to ‘never change’ and to ‘always be myself’. WELL- I am always myself and never change when I’m nice but I’m being run over. So now I feel the need to morph in to being an a-hole just so people will stop using me as a doormat. Which makes me off balance with my true nature. So, basically, because they refuse to change their ways, I have to change for mine. In order to freaking survive. Literally. I need this job. And no matter where I work, it’s the same everywhere.

[dsmarty]

being truthful and providing critical feedback is only becoming more difficult as our culture becomes more sensitive to taking things personally.

I do the anxious nice thing at work because often times it's more painful providing thoughtful feedback. You can put a lot of emphasis on delivery, but people still do not receive it well.

[AiringAustin]

Did anyone else get anxious after she mentioned calling someone randomly up on stage? Like I’m not there but what if it was me 😭

[jwfortune]

I don't want the wrong person to get upset with me at work and damage my career by complaining to a higher level leader. So I go out of my way not to make anyone mad.

[tomasnorris]

Is not to be nice, is Just to show respect to other people, always being yourself.

[arcadiagreen]

The irony of this talk happening at Columbia University

[youbewb]

So... constructively criticize out loud, but be polite, relatable, understandable, and sincerely useful.
Don't forget to first make sure it's even your business to criticize!

[dustman]

Drives me crazy when my employers don't give me truthful, straightforward feedback.

[andrewpayette]

I'm disappointed no one got on stage to discuss their most recent awkward encounter

[andypatterson]

“Do you want to hear the truth or do you need to be encouraged?” Dawn Wilson

[AldersonForOne]

I feel like maybe half of my niceness in all my life was actually just due to anxiety. I never made that connection before. This was a helpful talk. You did make me realize how my niceness can actually be lazy, patronizing, and most importantly I think, unhelpful. Thanks for the insights 🙂

and ugh, imagining getting called upon on stage randomly made my palms sweaty at home. The poor audience 😅 but you had to do it to them haha. Thank you for sparing them.

(Am I purposely trying to give feedback that doesn’t come off lazy? 😵‍💫)