The problem with being too nice at work | Tessa West | TEDxColumbiaUniversity

Why is it that when we feel the most uncomfortable during social interactions, we are also the nicest and most generic version of ourselves? In this talk, social psychologist Tessa West breaks down the science of being "too nice" at work, focusing on how overly nice feedback actually harms the recipient. She then gives three concrete actions that anyone can take to create a culture of constructive, helpful feedback to improve communication at work.

[dameanvil]

00:30 🗣 Social interactions are studied in three aspects: what people say (verbal), non-verbal behaviors, and under-the-skin responses (physiological reactions).
02:48 🤔 Uncomfortable interactions prompt physiological stress responses and non-verbal signs like fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, distancing behavior.
05:32 😬 Anxious niceness involves vague compliments, which, if persistent, evoke negative perceptions from recipients, especially racial minorities.
06:26 🌐 Racial minorities tend to synchronize with anxious nice behaviors of others, experiencing heightened stress responses, impacting their own physiology.
08:47 ⚠ Overly positive feedback in negotiations can harm performance and distort perceptions, leading to inaccurate judgments in high vs. low-status interactions.
09:44 📉 Generic positive feedback damages reputations when not substantiated by real data or specifics, affecting how others perceive the feedback recipient.
10:12 🤝 Foster a culture of clear, consistent feedback by gauging interest in tougher, constructive feedback and framing it along specific dimensions.
11:49 🔄 Feedback dynamics involve both giver and receiver, necessitating a shift from asking 'nice or honest' to framing feedback in specific, constructive dimensions.
13:11 🚫 Negative feedback should be specific, focusing on behavioral changes rather than vague requests, akin to replacing behaviors in personal contexts.
15:17 🌱 Transform feedback culture incrementally, starting with neutral, non-threatening specifics, reducing anxiety in both giving and receiving critical feedback.

[susanmercurio]

I actually do ask "Do you want me to be nice or honest?"

[katielangsner]

As an autistic ADHD person I would love to see an interactive study like this with autistic and neurotypical people, plus autistic and other autistic people.

[jessicahoff]

I always build rapport before giving feedback. I start with what’s going well and what we can work on and why. It’s still uncomfortable, it does make it much easier to give feedback.

[FaithFashionFinances]

Anxious niceness just sounds like another way of people pleasing

[brookeb]

This reminds me of the quadrant in the book, Radical Candor, called Manipulative Insincerity. It is the least effective management style. In The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*, Mark Manson also goes into the cultural differences of niceness and how Americans have adapted to this way of interacting. Loved learning more about how I can apply constructive criticism in the workplace! Thank you.

[AsdrubaleRossi]

This talk assumes everyone is from the US, and also doesn't speak about the huge difference between negative feedback given in private or public.
The US is one of the countries that struggles most with negative feedback, which causes everyone else to fail to read between the lines.
If you come to me and you say that my talk was great, but I was staring in the wrong place, I will mostly listen to the first thing you said about my talk being great, and think I should keep doing great talks like these.

[Mr.marketer]

Absolutely valuable. I started this content creation and I see my team as a team more than friends. That’s why there are less conflicts between our feelings. But more people are complaining ‘why don’t u be more friendly with me’ ‘why don’t u get personal? Do u agree with me with what I have done? Or did I do anything wrong? Help me!😮😮

[drsjamesserra]

Nice feedback is not always harming the recipient. If recipients are clear upfront what kind of feedback they wish to receive, e.g. about content of the presentation, delivery, pace, body language etc, the feedback given is focused and geniune.

[kevinbecker]

This niceness cultuere has some deep negative holes, that we dont want to see. Thanks for talking about the right way of an ideal interaction, where humans can growth. See ya

[myusername]

This talk seems geared towards managers, which is not specified in the title, so it’s not for me. During the talk I kept reflecting on the different work spheres I’ve been in, art, science, banking, and food service. Art has the best development of honest, constructive critiques. I’ve felt that other disciplines could use some practice with art critiques which would ease performance reviews, meetings, and general workplace interactions.

[doranwisner]

Interesting subject matter. This talk had me thinking about the fictional Star Trek character Mr Spock. He would be perplexed by this talk. 😆 Jokes aside, it also makes me think about the idea of being antifragile and how one could use that to navigate the endemic "anxious niceness" in a corporate environment. Or you could take it a step further and become self employed because when you work at a company, it is nearly impossible to feel truly connected/open because no matter what, you are vulnerable to the volatility of a company's financial health. And as a result, there will always be a bit of "acting" going on as a matter of self preservation. The expression, "it's nothing personal, it's just business" idea comes to mind as well and I think most people make their jobs personal, it's hard to not do that, i.e. it's hard to be like Mr Spock.

[kentlarsen]

Tessa is wanting to treat us humans men and woman as lab mice. How wonderful to see her just chopping at the bit to analyze us.

[HaiNguyenLandNhaTrang]

Totally agree. Thanks. Best regards. From Vietnam

[deedieducati]

The "being timely" comment could also be a sarcastic comment about the fact that you're always late.
There's a lot going on in a sentence in a conversation. Unspoken words are just important as spoken ones. It is the combination of what you say, what you do and how you act that sends the message of what you're trying to like punctuation changes a sentences meaning. (Example:
"Mom's hungry, Dad. Will bring tacos"...means I will bring tacos.
"Mom's hungry. Dad will bring tacos"...means Dad will bring tacos.)

[MVK]

I'm a former university lecturer and this talk reminds me of the empty drivel that university classes now deliver. I recognise the usual desguise of having some kind of value or being professional. It's mostly all (not entirely) a farce, but at least the piece of paper is still important (for now). I personally know two people who were given this TedTalk platform and let's just say they really gave a performance. In both cases their goal was to get a TedTalk and after they started thinking about what profound things they could share 🙁

[emiliog.]

I had a recent confrontation with my manager recently. I was being cordial and honest but his own feelings of guilt and dishonesty made him angry. He walked away mumbling something about how I was stepping on people’s toes. He said I implied something. Totally unprofessional behavior. Nepotism is not good at the workplace.

[HowToSaveMoneyOnCarRepairs]

I Love all that, another Nice Human Educator...! 🤔🤔😇😇👍👍

[King-of-the-Brittons]

In my corporate experience people would much rather pat eachother on the back with toxic positivity than learn through constructive criticism. You may not grow through incessant and vague positivity but you probably will progress.

[genderandsociety]

effective work communication is culture-bound ;)