Why Self Love Isn't Enough

In today's video, we delve into a less-discussed aspect of mental wellness: the potential downsides of self-love and self-compassion. While these concepts are often celebrated as keys to emotional well-being, there are instances where they might not only fail to help but could even be detrimental. We'll explore the nuanced ways in which self-love can become problematic.

Join us as we examine the fine line between healthy self-compassion and its excessive forms that might hinder personal growth. We'll discuss how to recognize when self-love is serving as a barrier to self-improvement and how to strike a balance that promotes genuine well-being. This video aims to provide a more balanced perspective on self-care, encouraging viewers to adopt a more mindful and effective approach to personal development.

▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:01 The problem with self love
03:20 Why does therapy teach self love
06:36 Ways to deal with emotions
11:20 Boot Camp psychology
13:36 Negative expression of positive affection
14:48 The concept of grit

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All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.

#healthygamergg #mentalhealth #selflove

[TumblinWeeds]

When I was a depressed teen who was being systematically excluded from my school, somehow none of my therapists thought my depression could be caused by my circumstances. All they said was self love, “you only feel hated because you hate yourself.” Except people did hate me. Except I didn’t hate myself until everyone around me did for years and years. No amount of “love yourself” ever changed how I felt. But as soon as I changed my surroundings and got new friends, the depression vanished. Odd how it’s hard to trick yourself into believing something that isn’t true.

[Vampress]

The side of self-love trend I have an issue with when people try to make it replace other things. "You don't need anybody, you just need yourself." "You're the love you were looking for all along" like no, No man is an island. People need friends, partner, community and let people speak when they say they feel lonely and they need connections in their life. Also, many of us cannot even work on self-love if we don't have outer motivations like a support system. We won't just get better for our own sake cuz our self-love system is completely shattered.

[SuntzuDragon]

Like Dr. K said, I think it depends on the person. Some people need to develop self-love first because their internal shame and low value is keeping them from moving forward in life. And for others, changing their external circumstances can lead to them finding a sense of value. It’s like a chicken and egg problem.

[ejh_creates]

Personally, when I think of self-love, it’s not necessarily “love yourself because you’re perfect and don’t need to change”, but it is actually knowing you can still have compassion for you as a person who is still learning and growing. Before therapy, my self loathing and shame consumed me so much that I felt like I deserved my unhappiness. Now, having compassion for myself motivates me to take concrete steps to improve my life because I can meet myself where I’m at, see that I have a long way to go, but still believe in myself and hold myself accountable for making mistakes without feeling so worthless.

[a.tsuruya]

Yeah, I got tired of people saying "You are enough" when multiple aspects of my life clearly says "You suck."
Although I would argue that "You are enough" could be a misinterpretation of "You have what it takes to make better decisions."

[mariabessa]

Some people don't understand what self love is. It is not compliance, it is not buying yourself chocolates even when you don't deserve it, it is not a new haircut. It is exactly what you, Dr, are saying: it is doing the hard work that needs to be done in order to achieve what we want.

[dinckelman]

This is something I horribly struggle with. No amount of-self love will fix me, if my environment, and the people I used to trust, beat me into the dirt. I also don't want this to turn into delusional/toxic positivity

[zibbitybibbitybop]

I think there's a key difference between self-love, self-hate, and self-respect. You don't have to love yourself, but you definitely want to be in a state where you don't hate yourself, and your goal should be to reach a state where you can respect who and what you have become, all things included.

[prettypuff]

I could scream this from the hills!!!

ETA- self love does not satisfy my need for companionship, self love doesn’t remove loneliness, self love does not compare to intimate pleasure with a partner.
I say that as a person who is very comfortable alone.

[sploofmcsterra]

Self love cured my depression. But it wasn't about like, being obsessed with myself. It was about respecting myself. I'd internalised a critic that was brutal and unfair.

[JetWave]

The boot-camp thing reminds me about the techniques of teaching self-confidence to kids. I've struggled with confidence and me and my mother have ended up having very open conversations about my upbringing, and one of the things she said she regrets is the way she attempted to grow my self-confidence. She herself grew up in a toxic environment where her parents judged her and didn't believe in her, outright giving up on her and driving off at some occasions, which crushed her confidence as a kid. As a mother she tried to do the opposite by always praising me saying I'm great in all kinds of ways, which was certainly better, but I never felt like I deserved it. It felt like she was lying to me from a place of love and the feeling of dishonesty made me feel fake. To this day I still struggle with deserving anything, I'm obsessed with earning approval and trying to achieve what I felt was who I were supposed to be, who people think I am. But it's too tiring and endless, I can't do it and end up feeling sorry for myself, hiding from the world to avoid the looming disappointment in me.

She had later learned that to grow confidence in a child you need to challenge them so that they can prove to themselves that they're worth their confidence. Even challenges they can't fail works towards that purpose and if they do fail, it could be just like at boot-camp where no one is giving up on you, you can get up and try again and succeed rather than do nothing in terror of losing the love you're convinced were given to you by mistake.

[zaksmith]

As someone who needed to learn self love, and is now making changes for the betterment of my outward experience, I think we need a follow up video going into the differences between someone whose shame is telling them correctly that something needs to change, and someone who needs to recognize shame as a trauma response.

I guess one of the main differences is the existence of trauma, but sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference when you’ve been in a traumatic environment.

[bsdjkgf]

Yeah gonna have to agree. I was in therapy for almost 10 years, given all these different diagnosis's, tried all these different meds. Got a bit better, than a lot worse, it was a cycle. Constantly got told that "external changes don't help internal problems" when I kept saying that I wanted to make dramatic changes to my life

Then I finally went out, transferred to a different college, and got a dog. Been almost 2 years, I'm no longer depressed, no racing thoughts, no anxiety, doing MUCH better academically, and I'm generally very content and happy with my lfie

[Logicneverworks]

I feel like for me this applies. I only inherently hated myself because I was frequently ostracized as a kid. When I surrounded myself with people who genuinely cared about me, it motivated me to care about myself.

[justynas]

This concept is so underrated! When you place the mental health crisis solely on the shoulders of psychiatrists and therapists, you’re missing half of it. At the very least, therapists need to be trained when to involve/refer to other professionals like coaches, bc the fact that people don’t know that other options exist is the biggest tragedy

[chchwoman]

I don't think people go to therapy to change themselves. They go because they need comfort, and to feel that they are OK, independent of achievement. Until they feel intrinsically worthy, it is impossible to change the self. For most of my life I felt as if I had nothing to offer, as if there was no reason for anyone to enjoy my company let alone love me, regardless of knowing that I am a good person. I was in my 50s before a therapist said 'you have a really nice energy'. It took a bit more, but that was the beginning of me feeling likeable, and THAT is what I needed, not to develop my life - that is a different issue

[JoshuaDb_The_Witness]

It's the inauthentic "self love" and "toxic positivity" that I take issue with. We are all worthy of care/consideration/love. But not "unconditional" love. I had to first deal with my internalized shame, before I could make changes in my life - because the shameful feelings would stop my progress. Brene Browns work in "shame resilience" was super helpful for me.

[umamihobby]

Growing up, my guilt wasn't formed because I was genuinely doing something bad. It was formed early by my caregivers shaming me for feelings certain emotions and instilling in me that my emotions cause them to feel certain things so I should feel guilty for causing them such suffering. Then, it manifests into people pleasing and perfectionism. It is still a coping mechanism that i learned to survive but morphed into something that is now my default stress response. Instead of me asking "what do i need?", It always turns into "What does this person need me to feel and be so they can be happy?" and then guilt ensues when I feel like I am not living up to their expectations. At this point, I struggle with knowing where I start/stop and where the other person begins.
Change is hard because others around you have expectations and want to keep you the same way because it benefits them. Then when you do start to change, people around you will feel weird or treat you with disdain. This is where the self-love part comes in. Because if you don't have that for yourself, you won't properly grieve the rejection and loss that was necessary for you to change. So I think it is important to recognize that you deserve to change but can only do that if you actually care about yourself over caring about others feelings/being rejected because of it.

[djlarrylar]

I feel like it truly depends on the person. Self-love has gotten me farther in life than any other type of love has.

[matcha_zuki]

I hate being told “ You shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone until you can love and accept yourself” when no people with trauma need support to heal and you don’t need to have high self worth to be worthy of love.