Autistic Identity Crisis - The Hidden Struggles of Masking

Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. #orionkelly #autism #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike

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Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (YouTuber), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about providing validation and support for Autistic people and their loved ones.

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[airshipswashbuckler]

This is it exactly! I was trying to figure out what was up for so long and before I even really thought to look into autism I was very aware I was putting on a mask to socialize. Every setting and situation had a different one. I could do so very successfully but for short amounts of time. Once I got a job and had to do it everyday things just started to fall apart. Now days I can go a couple weeks before burnout happens and I have to cut every unessential thing for a few months.
Having no identity of my own, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, no real friends, all of it I knew was because I just couldn’t be myself around anyone because it wasn’t excepted. I thought I was just very, very, introverted and an oddball person who didn’t relate to anyone. Now know the truth and it puts everything in a different light. I have much more grace and compassion for myself and towards everyone else in my life. If I didn’t know I was autistic no one else did either. Of course we all got it wrong. Now maybe I can make some progress.

[rinkydinkron]

HITS HARD Orion! Thank you for all you do and for being YOU.

[elizabethaucoin]

It's exhausting, but worse yet, you can be really bad at masking, so all that struggle can feel like just one more failure ...

[AmyK]

Well said Orion. Please don’t stop giving us these amazingly informative and important videos. We need this type of message in the world. We need to be better and more compassionate for autistic people.

[andi_audhd]

100%! I grew up not realizing I was autistic. I did grow up with my father making important decisions for me, like my GCSE subjects and my A Levels, despite how they clashed with my actual interests. One year into my A levels, where I was doing well, applying myself and making friends, he switches my college. Yet again he chooses my A levels and again he ignores the fact that I had been doing well in ICT and switches me to business studies.

At this point I had enough. I tried to apply myself but I struggled so much I finished with a DD. I didn’t go to uni cuz I was just lost. I had lost my own sense of identity and agency.

I wandered and meandered for over ten years not knowing what to do, career wise. It’s taken me 34 years to get a better sense of who I am, and 36 years to discover that I could actually be autistic all along - aka I’m not broken, I’m different.
Now wait another 1+ year for a diagnosis 🙄

[Diamondphobe]

I can't count the number of "interests" I've had that, looking back with ASD/ADHD diagnoses, were not mine but interests of people I knew. I delved deep into them because research is what I do but I had no real interest. Who am I? What does interest me? What do I enjoy? I can't answer those questions. I'm 54.

[NatNat-uucs]

What's crazy is the only ones who knew (or paid attention) that i was different were the bullies. No teacher, or parent would pay any attention and it got ignored. Ironically, it was looking back at the bullies, and why they were being that way towards me that made me realize i have autism. I wish more adults would pay attention to their kids as the bullies do.

[raven]

We finally get some relief when we find our people online. Lol Some of us had to wait for ONLINE to be invented first.

[maxleong]

exactly. double whammy for closeted lgbt who are autistic. so now, i feel hollow and struggle to know my own self.

[zmunheu]

Thanks for saying it I have had exactly that since kindergarten… it still comes to my head these experiences where kids say you are wrong…”and me not getting why” … anyways now since 1 year I realized I am audistic I have finally decided to be myself and not be afraid no more …. You know what I shal ask questions I shall tell facts about technical things … think then I am weird we all are … I am fine to be me and start having a say

[jennifererin]

The world will chew you up and spit you out. I have aspergers and the annoyance of others for me just existing has been the hardest journey . I will forever remember the patient and loving adults I had in my life and will never forget the pain caused by people being so mean . Main thing is I was taken advantage of by pretty much any predator that came along. Please watch you autistic loved ones for the world is out to get the weaker sheep and hurt
, abuse or mistreat them. I say this with all truth for me it was from everything to teachers, doctors, and Even police officers.

[TheSarcasticSiamese]

Gods yes. I have flickers of memory of being more open, more me. 46 years later, I'm trying to find that person again.

[fuzed]

That feels like my experience in school

[jackcaley-neal]

Impact is being felt on a daily basis. I often catch myself acting like a desirable character I've seen on tv or witnessed in real life. My dad would go a shade of red when people upset him and I'm constantly trying to override that.

[laciereinheart]

I honestly didn't know it for a long time...until I found out I was autistic.
My entire life is a lie - I was almost 32 when I found out (birthday's in December, I found out late November) and now I'm almost 34.
It's been 2 years almost, and it feels like I still don't know who I am.
I never had friends except a couple of girls whose families moved around a lot because they were missionaries or seasonal workers... I would see them once a year...before I was taken out of school.

Then at home, nobody wanted anything to do with me, so I absorbed parts of them that were "the best" in their opinions, and have been lying to myself my entire life...

I pretended that I love lightning and ice as elements for dragons or characters to manipulate, and now I'm learning that actually, while those are cool, I prefer fire and steam/clouds.
That's just one example too...
I was bullied relentlessly at school, and was told it was because my siblings and I were the only white people in an otherwise all Mexican school (but we're half Mexican too; we just don't pass as Mexicans)...
It was kind of that, but also, one of my "pet" names at school was "freak" or the ever popular "weirdo."
I just wanted friends...
But unless I was singing Jigglypuff's song, nobody liked me - and it was ONLY while I was singing Jigglypuff's song.

[ананасоваякоза]

Helloo, sorry if its rude to talk about something else from a different video on here, i didnt know if you respond to comments but i feel itd be more likely on your most recent video. I just watched a video you made a long time ago on palilalia and i was wondering if you could answer my question

Do i have this if its not a directoy after, i often go 5min without spesking from a prior conversation and then all of a sudden i wisper or mouth some of the words i said in the conversation without thinking about it and when i realise i cringe, with your video you kinda described it more of a direct thing like "do you wwnt to go to the shop, shop, the shop" (you did not say that this is just an example)

[Walkingonsunshine]

Honestly people are cruel, I still remember something my close friend said to me a few years ago when we first started hanging out. "You always make me feel like I can just be myself" and it's sad that he was 27 when he said this. I myself am not on the spectrum as far as I know, but I know what it feels like to not fit in due to other factors. Strange enough my partner is on the spectrum and so is another friend of mine, I have an easier time connecting with other neurodivergent people possibly due to my ADHD. I just can't seem to ever please neurotypical individuals so I experience some social anxiety around most people, they are impossible to read and too unpredictable.

[t-man]

Another little discussed fact is that masking can also lead to a shemale fetish in a lot of autistic boys and men

[kingmasterlord]

nah, laugh at them for being wrong about you