Why you feel what you feel | Alan Watkins | TEDxOxford

Understanding why you feel what you feel is one of the most important aspects of human development. After understanding comes control. When you control your emotions through vertical development, you can be more successful and happy.

We’ve all seen adults behave like children and ‘throw their toys out of the pram’ if they don’t get their way. An inability to control emotions prevents us from growing up and becoming mature successful human beings.

Dr. Alan Watkins, founder of Complete Coherence, introduces the key phases of human development and explains why poor emotional control is holding back progress. He asks us to imagine a world where we never have to feel anything we don’t want to feel; where we have complete control of what we feel and when we feel it.

Emotions meet technology in a new app (Universe of Emotions). Taking us on a journey around this Universe, Dr Watkins explains how we can choose our own emotional ‘planetary’ address and live happier and more fulfilled lives.

Alan Watkins is CEO and founder of leadership consultancy, Complete Coherence. He is recognized as an international expert on leadership and human performance.

Dr Watkins has a broad mix of commercial, academic, scientific and technological abilities. Over the past 18 years he has been a coach to many of Europe’s top business leaders and has helped companies treble share price, enter the FTSE 100, salvage difficult turnarounds and establish market leadership in their industry. He has written five books and numerous peer reviewed scientific articles. He advised the GB Olympic squad prior to London 2012 and is working with them leading up to Rio in 2016. He has three degrees and is a neuroscientist by background.

[widgeasha]

He is right. Nobody has to feel anything they don't want to. I spent my whole life miserable until I decided to be happy everyday. I forced myself to smile and think happiness till its become a habit and now I live it for real. He's right, no one comes and injects you, you choose how to feel. Took me to age 47 to realise this and now I have freedom.

[MadelinePierce-py]

The cutest part is when he called out his son!

[sophbox]

Alan's talk addresses the first steps of how to respond to difficult emotions. But a key point he misses - and it seems to be one he doesn't subscribe to - is allowing the emotion just to be there.

We can't control what we feel. Difficult emotions are an inevitable part of life. But we can learn to respond to our emotions in ways that enhance rather than diminish our well-being.

For me, the key stages are: noticing what it is that you're feeling and getting distance from it by labeling the emotion ('oh, that's anger - I'm feeling anger') or by finding where it's located in your body and describing the sensations to yourself. Then, just allow the emotion to be there. You're allowed to be scared, angry, upset, hurt etc -- and while often they may feel unpleasant, they add to the color of life (and in my mind are much preferable to just a permanent numbness). Having accepted that you are currently experiencing the particular emotion, you can ask yourself what you need in that moment to look after yourself and choose how to respond to it in a way that is in line with your values.

[MC-pgko]

I agree with Alan Watkins: you create your own feelings by how you think. Even so, I can't help feeling disappointed in my awareness that my siblings don't keep in touch with me, even if I keep in touch with them. It feels one-sided and I can't help feeling that they don't care for me as much as I do for them. I have accepted that its their choice but it nonetheless saddens me.

[emmanottingham]

Love the bit where he says if you're lucky you will have a painful experience which will make you question everything. How true!

[judgescompilations]

Normally I make a summary for other people so they don’t have to watch the whole video. But this, you just need to watch. It is amazing

[butterfly-psuj]

I had the "disease of meaning" at the age of 11...up till now, I'm still searching the meaning, but I think for me it is gratitude...this is the only thing that makes sense to me in this world

[pagusmusic]

Emotional intelligence and mastery is the key to happiness, but it’s easier said than done

[vitalisfonsah]

I don't know why I haven't been looking for such videos on TEDx.
this is like the foundation I needed. this should be taught in schools every year.

[briciuana-maria]

A really engaging TEDx talk. But there are some things I can't agree with. I don't have a scientific background, but for sure I've been studying about this. Yes, objectify the emotion and realize you are not your emotion and you just feel it at the moment. Controlling your emotions might be a bit misunderstood. Controlling your emotions doesn't mean you are a ray of sunshine 24/7. Controlling your emotions mean that you know you own your emotions and they don't own you. It means that you can surf between them and know you are responsible for what you feel. So, if you feel anger, you feel depressed, you feel livid, you don't run away from that feeling and try to layer it with a so-called ''good feeling''. You just feel it and you know it will pass and you don't identify with it. We can't feel selectively.

[OurNewestMember]

8:09 If you're lucky, you have a crisis. Something terrible happens
11:34 emotions (energy in motion, always happening) versus feelings (awareness in our mind, may or may not exist!)
17:36 get control of it: take your subjective experience outside of you and objectify it

Secrets revealed

[leahswenson]

This is hands down the most important thing you could ever learn in life.

[cheekychei]

The first step is to recognize where you are, what you feel, and then you’ll know what to do next. The best ted talk ever! This changes the whole game, for everything you need in life. I can honestly say this is the very first principle to apply in any situation. Without this practice you can’t do or apply what other Ted talks or books or psychologists will ever teach you. No wonder why we live in the a world of sadness and confusion, we don’t even understand the most basic tool for our existence, and that is mastering our emotions.

[LordyByron]

Dr Watkins doesn’t say much to justify the “why you feel what you feel” title. It is beliefs that underlie and drive emotions, and it is as difficult to actually change what you’re feeling as it is to change your beliefs.For (a simplistic) example, if one has a belief that sex before marriage is wrong, they will experience anxiety (on the fear spectrum) and self-recrimination (on the anger spectrum) if they indulge. If one believes sex before marriage is fine, no such emotions will occur, and in fact joy (happiness spectrum?) will likely occur when the relationships go well.

He also lists 34, 000 “feelings”— which are not feelings or emotions at all but self-images! He advocates fiddling with your self concept until you find one you like, but he gives no method to do so. Probably because there aren’t any ways of “control” that produce any benefit or are even possible. (Hyping up your image for romance at a bar might get you hooked up, but the benefits are usually dubious).To change your emotions involves investigating and challenging your beliefs, and most people value their beliefs too much to do this. We tend to identify with our beliefs and therefore take our consequent emotions seriously — which does lead to much suffering. There are plenty of good therapies available to deal with self-defeating beliefs, leading to much happier emotions/feelings.

There is a another, simple way to deal with feelings that puts us perhaps more in charge of our lives: We become aware of the energy of emotions as sensations. These sensations can be pleasant, bringing relaxation and smiles to our faces, or unpleasant, perhaps flooding us with fight/flight energy, for example. Then comes a choice: We can simply let the emotion pass, which takes only a few seconds, or then mindfully label it as a feeling, which might take a few more seconds; and then have our attention be fully available for whatever life brings next, maybe even a desire to investigate the feeling if it is troublesome.We neither blame others for the emotions we may experience, nor “own” them, but are simply aware of them in the same ongoing way we are aware of any other sights, sounds, smells, or sensations. This is efficient, effective living, meeting life as awareness, without concern for self-image. It is effective when the ability to “let go” is there, the awareness that you are not your thoughts, feelings, or anything else you perceive.

[Raveena]

Though this talk is older, the core tenants remain the same. I'm at a transitional phase where I've felt a range of emotions but instead of feeling alive because of them, I've felt like I'm slowing dying inside. But I am convinced that the best of me is ahead. Thank You for Sharing.

[nonelost]

18:15 "So You really don't have to feel anything that you don't want to feel. Misery is optional". WOW! The ramifications of that statement are cataclysmically profound!

[brooklyn]

No idea I'd get this much out of this particular ted talk. Bloody brilliant!
He's just explained through "the disease of meaning" something thats been literally confusing my life for several years.
My crisis and desire for meaning in my life isn't so bizarre after all.

[Pauseitivityinaction]

I have been following Dr Alan Watkins work since last year when I watched his TEDx Portsmouth - Being brilliant everyday. I love his sense of humour, his ability to take a very complex topic and bring it into language that people can easily understand ... I just love his energy and passion for this topic.

I think he is 'brilliant' and love that he is helping us all to be 'brilliant every day'. Another great lesson, thank you.

[bunnyflop]

This is a very good topic. Though as it was already mentioned in some comments, understanding what you are feeling at any given moment is just a beginning of this exciting adventure of understanding oneself, others and world. And of course, taking your own responsibility for your feelings and actions is very important to start with it, but next always should be an awareness of why these emotions emerge. Take a moment before responding to a trigger. Recognize the context, event and if our past is drawing conclusions; next recognize what is your body automatic response (eg. temperature rises, weakness in legs etc) and what your mind is projecting: what is the main (dominant, overpowering) emotion and what others are present; realize the whole process. Only then think what are your options to respond and choose that response, which will help you to achieve a goal (to be happy for example).
Also, it is very important to recognize how other people are feeling, and ask them why (eg. Why are you angry?), followed by a mutually agreed solution. It really helps to understand what your actions mean to the other person, it helps them understand themselves better. Oh, and don´t forget to say goodbye to your expectations, as you completely forget to see the real person in front of you.
I have started doing it only recently, but I am feeling so much better and much happier!
So far, this is the best strategy I can come up with, hope it helps :)

[HelenaIvanova]

I really love this wording on 11:30 of "Emotions are just energy and motion" this is actually so true! it made many puzzles in my head to fit together.. Thanks!