The Fearful Avoidant & The 6 Stages Of A Relationship | Fearful Avoidant Attachment

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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!

This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.

Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!

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#Relationships #FearfulAvoidant #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles #Love #Dating #Romance

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[jelayastewart]

Fearful avoidant are often either obsessive or avoidant. Our emotions are extremely intense. It can be hard to regulate them in relationships.

[AshikSatheesh]

Summary Notes, by Timestamp

5:30
Fearful Avoidant is great during the dating stage. They are at their best self, showing up, connecting, charming, charismatic. But when there is a need for a commitment, then their avoidant side kicks in.

6:04
Deactivating can be in obvious and non-obvious ways.

6:08
Obvious forms of deactivation can be fearing the commitment, shying away, withdrawing, wanting space, and so on where they are not trusting fully.

6:17
The non-obvious forms of deactivation will be more subtle. These can be hyper focusing on their their partner's faults, focusing on what could go wrong, emotionally disregulating, feeling vulnerable and untrusting, pushing the person away to protect themselves, blaming their partner and so on.

6:58
They are trying to create distance between themselves and their partner because they're afraid and feel unsafe.

7:19
As soon as a commitment comes up, Fearful Avoidant immediately starts oscillating between the Honeymoon Stage and the Power Struggle stage. This doesn't happen with other attachment styles.

9:01
As the Honeymoon Phase arrives they start to experience their triggers and wounds. You will see their avoidant side come up.

9:13
They get triggered around the different wounds they have, from having their needs not being met. They struggle to integrate their sense of self into the romantic partnership.

9:26
They struggle to have their needs met because they believe they are unworthy of having my needs met. They may fear that if they express their needs it will not go well. They may feel there is no point in expressing their needs because they are not gonna be met anyway.

9:40
But this over time creates an imbalance of how much they give to the relationship versus how much they are receiving.

10:09
Although the Power Struggle stage is a scary stage in a relationship, it's also the one with the most opportunities for growth, depth and beauty. If you effectively move through it, you are setting the foundation for beautiful things to take place.

10:26
What you need to learn to pass the Power Struggle stage is to learn to be the following:
- Vulnerable
- Accepting of your vulnerability
- Accepting of your partner's vulnerability
- Able to understand and empathize with your partner's needs and feelings
- Able to express your own feelings and needs vulnerably, respectfully, and consistently from an emotionally regulated space.

10:47
To empathise means to try to understand where your partner is coming from, why they are feeling the things they are feeling, why they need them.

11:13
What all this does is that you understand each other with all your imperfections. You take off your Honeymoon Phase best-behavior-mask and get to really know your partner.

11:22
You move into the Stability Stage when you accept your partner for their flaws.

13:18
The Stability Stage is characterized by deep acceptance of one another, feeling safe, connected, and fading away of the drama. We tend to make adjustments taking each other's needs into consideration.

14:03
You start to feel settled in the relationship that you can make compromises.

14:23
One of the downsides of the Stability Stages is that there can be a feeling of boredom. If some of their needs in the relationship are going unmet, and they are not aware of it, they might fantasize about other people.

15:04
You can in fact use the infatuation to strengthen your relationship.

Look at what you are infatuated with—another person, their behavior. Figure out what it is you are attracted to and ask for that in your relationship.

This will bring back the deep connection into your relationship.

15:49
When you are in the Commitment Stage, the rites of passage is not about making decision to get married, have kids, buy a house, live together and so on.

What is required in The Commitment Stage is to ask questions and assess.
Do our values line up? Do our needs line up?
Do we both want the same things? What do we want for the future?
Do we both want children? How do you want to raise your kids? What are the important values to bring into the relationship to your children?
Do we both want a certain type of lifestyle? Do we want to travel and move around?
Where do they differ? How can we align them?

All of these are extremely important in this stage.

17:17
The Bliss Stage is like being back in the wonderful Honeymoon Stage, while having yourself in it.

You've got the excitement, connection and habits that feel warm, fuzzy and bubbly. And at the same time you have learned each other, you take each others needs into consideration, you can have tough conversations. There is deep connection and beauty.

17:47
To move to the Bliss Stage you have to work on your personal growth.

17:58
If you're struggling in any stage in your relationship then you are probably struggling with the rites of passage, in learning the lessons.

18:07
If so what you need to do is the following:
- Identify what stage you are in
- Identify what you need to move into the next stage
- (Implement it?)

[Lafilledlapluie]

I think it's important to recognize that you can't fix another person. They have to work on themselves

[hmanfilms]

It’s so sad seeing these people dance on the border of being able to push through their own fears and have a loving and blossoming relationship.

I tried so hard to be patient with my ex, and she was SO close. She pushed through and committed and had such healthy communications and then within a few days reverted back to her fears and impulsive ended things.

I’m trying not to take it personal, but it’s just so sad. I love her and she deserves love. They desire and seek it out, and then sabotage and run from it when they get it.

It’s truly such a sad and destructive cycle to themselves and others.

Continuing to learn why I stick these relationships out so long. Part of me is attracted to these people because I feel I can be patient enough to get them to push through their fears. I tend to see the best in people and try to pull it out of them, even at my own demise.

Even after being hurt, I still can look at them with deep love.

They have light in them, they just need more encouragement to not let the darkness take over. I pray for them. 😥

[CapeEniEer]

your description of a Fearful attachment being ok in the dating stages but then freaking out during the honeymoon stage was spot on... I sabotaged my last relationship earlier this month because of this :(

[Professional_Nobody]

If you don’t get on the same page with wanting children on day one, it’s doomed. Never waste time dating anyone who wants kids when you don’t want them, or vice versa.

[mlong]

Oh. My. Gosh. I knew I was a self saboteur in relationships but didn't know why until tonight. I just discovered my attachment style and it's blowing me away. Thank you so much.

[garrettlloyd]

I recently broke up with my boyfriend & I was so confused. I've started watching your videos and they have taught me that all the things that I went through with him was because I'm an anxious attachment style & he is an avoidant. Everything you say is right on point with what was going on. It has answered so many questions that I had & has helped me heal so much. I hope one day we can reconnect and work it out with the knowledge of this & I can show the videos to him. Thank you!

[kinseydesignsbrands]

Taking notes for my own reference as a fearful avoidant, but thought I'd share here since I didn't see it anywhere! Thank you for sharing this extremely valuable information!

1 Dating

Can last to about 0-6 months, depending on attachment style. Fearful avoidants tend to enjoy this stage because they can show up, be charismatic, connect. It’s when the opportunity for commitment comes up that they can start to deactivate and withdraw, oscillating into the next stage or the power struggle stage.

2 Honeymoon

Beautiful stage where there’s usually bliss, however, fearful avoidant tends to oscillate to next stage here. They can feel wounds being triggered almost immediately around needs not being met out of a deep belief of “I’m not worthy to have my needs met” or “if I express my needs it’s not going to go well and they’re not going to be met anyway so there’s no point.” Sabotaging the relationship can occur here or an imbalance of how much they give vs receive in the relationship, which can lead to a blow up.

3 Power Struggle

Important lessons to be learned here. It’s the make or break stage, right of passage for a relationship where you’re setting the foundation for growth, depth and beauty. Requires accepting your vulnerability, partner being able to understand and empathize with yours and your partners needs and feelings.

4 Stability

When we’ve moved through the power struggle phase effectively. Feeling like there’s a deeper acceptance and understanding of each other while feeling safe, connected and the drama fades away. Taking each other’s needs into consideration and making adjustments accordingly. Downside can be a feeling of boredom if they’re not aware of unmet needs.

5 Commitment

What’s required in this stage is to truly asses if each others values, needs, wants, visions for the future line up and how they can be lined up more effectively. This can look like marriage, living together, having kids, etc. but is essentially about making a deeper commitment to each other.

6 Bliss

Being back in honeymoon stage but deeper. You've learned each other's needs and you take them into consideration but you have your sense of self integrated into the picture, so you have yourself and love too in a blissful space.

[jimmyjoebob]

I wish that I had seen these before my break-up. I'm an AA, my ex was a FA. I was constantly on alert, but didn't know why; she was confusing to me, but she had no idea either. We just couldn't align. What a shame to lose love because you just don't know...

[Taratreehugger]

Well this explains why my honeymoon stages seem to last approximately 2 weeks while other people get to have 6 months or a year.

[elianap]

This gave me a sense of calm in the realization that I was never going to move past the power struggle stage with someone who stopped communicating. It feels easier to release knowing that.

[colorfullyme]

I just want to say, I am FA, and my previous relationship was with a very securely attached beautiful man. I think we went through all these stages, right up to commitment, and although we realized our romantic relationship was not working and we decided to "break up, " we have remained good friends. I believe we are now in our own version of the bliss stage. We both fully accept each other and love each other unconditionally. I am so grateful. I am also aware this might change if one of us for example marries someone else, but living authentically is so worth the risk. Thank you for yet another amazing video!

[witchlobster]

Here weekly to soothe my anxieties since I'm once again attempting to pursue a relationship with someone. it's exhausting.

[allisonrawlings]

Thankyou! In a nutshell a fearful avoidant. It's cost me the love of my life but its given me the kick up the backside I needed to look into and understand my issues.

[elainegallagher]

Personal Development School courses on the Fearful Avoidant ( me) have been instrumental in my transformation. Can't thank you enough Thais.

[chzamom]

As a fearful-avoidant working towards secure, I have learned to be very specific in what meeting my needs looks like to my DA partner, only for it to have it ignores. To a degree, I feel more triggered or re-traumarized when I specifically express a need to only have it laughed at or ignored. I feel myself going back into my avoidant phase because at least if my partner doesn't meet my needs, I don't feel so personalized.

[WPHSBandGeek]

I was seeing someone for less than a week and after everything was going great, him caring for me and showing me he wanted physical contact from a relationship, he suddenly brought up how he wanted no relationship bc he wasn’t sure he could trust someone like that ever again. The topic of a relationship never came up. But this came from the same person who stated they’ve tried dating apps… and even said our first outing was a date. It left me so confused how they did a 180 in less than 24 hours when we had just been having a great time

[jclyntoledo]

I feel like this is the most underrated and under-talked about attachment style. Thank you for talking about it!

[tinajones]

Powerful video!! Proud to say, my partner and I have reached the bliss After ten years of all the other mess. 🎉 It is possible and I definitely didn't see this coming. 💕 Thank you PDS.