Why men feel bad when their girlfriends succeed

connect

shot by John Lee

grip - Melissa Gasca

sound - Jason Mobley

edited by Ben Chinapen

edited by Timothy Hautekiet

gfx by Bethany Radloff

[Dantprime]

Speaking as a man I think a lot of men are taught "you are only valuable by how useful you are" and "you aren't allowed to show weakness or emotion" which results in a lot of men being closed off from others and insecure about being "useless" to those they care about. If a guy is closed off from others and afraid of being useless then I could see him being insecure about his partner's success because he doesn't feel allowed to share in her success or may even worry that she'll find him useless.

[davidcrowther]

I have to admit that this study rings some truth for me, but it doesn't mean that I don't want my wife to succeed. I'm actually very proud of everything my wife has accomplished and I want so much for her to succeed. At the same time I just feel bad about myself that I don't have the same to offer her. I'm not a jerk to her because I'm insecure about her success, it's more that I don't feel worthy of her. She deserves every bit of her success. She's a talented hard working person.

[Henry]

As someone raised by an ambitious mother, I don't actually feel threatened by my partner's sucess, I actually feel great that I have someone like that by my side.

That said, I can't help but feel left behind whenever someone close to me or in the same age group as me achieves something I didn't have yet, regardless of gender or the nature of our relationship.
This is something that I'm still learning to deal with.

[dudeambiguously]

As someone who spent 15 years as a stay at home parent while my wife focused on her successful career, I would posit much of the insecurity is also from external societal pressures. While I was comfortable with my choice, many others expressed dissatisfaction with my decision. Somewhat counter intuitively, many of those who had the worst opinions of the situation were stay at home mothers. I heard a lot of negative comments about the ideal of masculinity and I imagine many men would struggle to maintain a strong self image in face of those types of remarks. There is also, in most cultures, a sense of self worth attached to ones income, which means there's inherently insecurities both internal and external that are difficult to navigate.

[allenhalsted]

My partner is way more educated and successful than I. She has had two major promotions since we met four years ago, I on the other hand I have been laid off twice. I brag about her to everyone I know. I think her mom is the only person more proud and excited than me!

[Sinfilled]

I think this has to do with how much male culture revolves around competition. This can be seen even in the free time activities both genders tend to gravitate towards.

[kikiii]

Watching this made me feel so grateful for my partner. I published my first-ever study in an influential journal last year. When I told him, his immediate reaction was "how should we celebrate?" We ended up going into town that weekend and having a fancy dinner. He was genuinely so thrilled for me. Not a hint of insecurity in sight. I love being in a relationship with a secure, supportive guy.

[MrQuantumInc]

What's missing from the study is how one's own success affects their optimism vs pessimism about the relationship. The accusation so many men make of women in general is that they will feel the need to leave once they are more successful than their male partner. This study asks some very similar questions and confirms that men think this and even hints at an potential explanation as to why men think this, but doesn't quite answer the question on so many of men's minds.

[dyhppyx]

This is true. The real question to ask is do women look down on their partner more after they succeed

[AlanTheHuman]

I love your content and I don't wanna be that kinda guy, but my girlfriend just got a significant raise and upgrade in her position and I'm super grateful, I would say that I'm a lot more excited than she is, but I'm truely happy for her, she definitively deserves it

[MatthewTheWanderer]

As a man, if I ever have a wife or girlfriend in the future, I HOPE she is more successful than me! It baffles me how anyone could see that as a threat or any other kind of bad thing! It would be awesome to have a successful partner!

[gabep]

I think it makes sense. Generally speaking, society raises men to be “useful” and “competent” at things while they raise women to be “attractive” because these are the main ways society values men and women, respectively. I would hazard a guess that if women’s partners got “more attractive” than them they might feel similarly to the men in this study.

[ksng]

The answer is very simple, throughout all of human history the role of "provider" has been forced upon men and our entire value as a person is decided by how much we can "provide". If we are less successful than our partner it means we have no value to them, heck this doesn't even apply to partners, it even applies to family. As an Asian guy I'm also supposed to provide for my parents, and if I'm less successful than my parents, it means I've failed as a son. This is not about "jealousy", "envy" or "ego" it's straight up self acknowledgement of failure.

[PricefieldPunk]

I feel worse about myself any time anyone around me succeeds tbh.

[JohnWilliams-crsz]

This why being single is amazing! I never have to worry about feeling bad when my girlfriend succeeds because I don't have one! Nope, just me. No one else, at all. No reason to be upset or sad at all.
heh heh heh

....I'm so lonely.

[FreddyA]

I mean Women tend to have a change of heart in a relationship when they feel they are more successful than their partner
I think I saw a study about how couples tend to divorce when the woman starts to outearn the man

[varoth]

Its "men feel threathend?" Or "men feel their relationship is threatened?" Becouse those are not the same things.

[ThirdLawPair]

Using mate selection criteria is a brilliant move for this study. A *great* follow-up study would be to study how women feel about themselves after their male partner loses weight or otherwise becomes more physically attractive than before. Attractiveness is the analogous criteria for men selecting women, so it could potentially reveal an underling common mechanism of worrying about being replaced.

[zytcuy]

I think I am very lucky in this regard my man celebrates my success more than I do. He's my rock

[naveerakhan]

I had to break up with my guy best friend because of this exact nonsense 🙆‍♀️. I encouraged him when things were bad and celebrated every little achievement in his life with genuine pride. But every time something good happened to me or I achieved something, even my biggest milestones, it made him feel insecure and depressed 💁‍♀️.

Lesson learned. Breaking up with someone who can't be happy for you hurts, but you're way better off without that negativity👌