😥 HELP! My INFP won’t talk to me and shuts away

Are you in a romantic relationship or a friendship with an INFP who has seemingly suddenly begun to withdraw from you? These might be the reasons and here's what to do.

[mandyho]

Once the INFPs put their guard up, you know you're screwed

[chrissynovful]

The worst thing about being an INFP for me is feeling like a last option for friends and an obligation from family members. It hurts when I offer help and get shot down, it makes me feel useless and insignificant.
As a child, I mastered the silent treatment very early on because if I didn't feel that my feelings were validated I wasn't going to explain them.
As far as romantic relationships, I realized I need a partner with the loyalty and unconditional love of a dog but the detachment of a cat.
I'm going to die single.
Also, my previous relationships ended long before it was said to be because I am processing something that I have repeatedly said bothers me and I'm not heard. The moment I feel I am begging to have a person in my life, I shut them out for good.
Sorry for the long comment.

[aviralsinghal]

INFPs are caring. And they care a lot about friends and someone close. Amd we go out of our way to help them.

And we get seriously hurt when people we care about dosen't care about us as much as we care for them. So when a friend (who we were there for in their bad times) is not there for us when we are alone, we just shut that person away from our life.

[bunnyjoeyyeung]

infp is like flower, you shouldnt do much to them .
you can go visit them and give them space of them open up .
but you must let them hold their own power to decide to open up or not, with out any % of judgement
they only need space to grow freely .
they already feel very difficult dealing within themselves, without anyone notice.

[morestore]

It bothers people that I refuse to be controlled by them. They control everyone around them, but I rebel against it.

[revtrev]

I shut down on people. Part of me is processing trying to find an "ideal" solution. I've also realized recently how much I stuffed down. As a male INFP I've been shut down by people as much as I've shut down. Showing any emotion as a male and especially abstract emotional thought is just instantly shut down. As a kid I was more vocal but gradually being told I had no right to feel emotion or that it made me weak I stopped vocalizing it and just stuffed it. Adopted the strong silent type and really now struggle to break out of those behaviors but still met with the same societal BS it's hard and I'm not winning yet.

[anna-lenae.]

As a INFP myself sometimes I shut down to the person I love because I don't want to worry them or annoy them with my thoughts and because I'm still processing what's happened or what it means I will only answer half-hearted. And I hate it to not be able to show the love I have for that person and prefer to don't answer at all than answer half-hearted.

[gillb]

Totally spot on. When you talked about the process of gradually emotionally shutting down and then stone-cold emotionless, I felt validated. I've never heard anyone else verbalise that so thank you. I'll forgive (but be slightly less emotionally connected) over and over but one time too many I'm done for good and I'm gone. People think I'm overreacting because 'its not a big thing!'. It's not a big thing but it's repetitive and disrespectful. People don't seem to get that.
I adored my last ex and I don't think I will ever feel that way again but I forgave him so many times that I would now pass him in the street without acknowledgement. I don't hate him, I'm not angry, I'm just done.

[maheletw.]

Wow. The Part of your childhood, about opening Up after being asked and then regret it, because its used against you, I felt that A LOT. I also got to get over it, because i know now its based on cultural diffrerences like you said. I think it really makes us to INFPs.

Edit: I also think thats why we prepare ourselves to leave after we confront someone, because we always got the feedback that what we say wont be understood, we're wrong and we cannot deal with that.

[meaxdarkblade]

I really like how you talked about an INFP going blank and almost becoming hallow, as an INFP-T myself there was a period in my life where I was being hurt (it lasted years). As a result, I turned off all of my emotions, quirks, etc. just became nothing, and not really willingly either, it kind of just happened, and that state of being lasted almost my entire HS life until one day where it all just came back. It's been years since then and I'm still seeing the negative side effects of being blank for so long, so I def wouldn't recommend going there.

[Lefriss]

This is seriously so accurate. She has worded this so well. That's so odd... I have as well where I will just become a whole different personality. Sometimes I do it without knowing as I guess a shield for myself. But, when in the cold state it can be quite difficult to get back to normal. I hate that everytime I click into that weird emotionless and cold state I usually say or do something I extremely regret later. It's so true that we usually get punished in some kind of way when we open up to others. She keeps mentioning in the video that we have to process everything a lot, and I completely agree with that. I really wish people would understand that instead of trying to get us to open up to them when it's our personal processing time. It just kind of ruins how we react to things without having time to process.

[_yahir_]

*who else is here thinking they screwed up with their INFP friend/relationship partner*

[chriscadence]

Your videos are helping me big time in my relationship. Thank you so much! Wish I found them a year ago. INTJ male dating INFP female.

[davidtaylor]

I can definitely relate and cutting myself off emotionally has been a long standing ego defense mechanism for me my entire life. It may not always be the healthiest thing I could do, but I can tell you that it's effective. I'm more likely to employ that defense mechanism when I feel like I've been emotionally blindsided by someone I had formerly trusted. Thank you for making it so clear for me. Now I see why I need to work on it and learn to communicate fully and fearlessly. My estranged husband and I vowed this to each other in our wedding vows and he repeatedly broke that vow. Over time it became unforgivable and we are now in the midst of a divorce. It killed my love for him and I just want him gone from every aspect of my life. I can forgive but I will never forget and I will never give him another opportunity to hurt me again. I no longer trust him and I no longer love him. I'm happy with this outcome and it proved to me that he was never the man I thought he was and he never will be.

[monseymons]

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I’ve completely cut off my sibling. Everything about them just entirely rubs me the wrong way. When we finally reconnected a couple years ago, I tried to be friendly and understanding. I vocalized some actions they’ve made continuously that I don’t like. They haven’t stopped. Their actions never stopped. One thing I hate is repeating myself. I’ve pushed myself so hard to express myself, so when I have to repeat myself a third time, I’m done. I no longer believe my feelings and emotions are validated. I no longer answer their calls, I rarely them back. I don’t spend more than 30 minutes with them per unwanted visit. I get a lot of grief from my partner and close friends about it. They try to reason by saying they’re my family, I’ll be regretful if they were hurt. And the sad truth is, I know, deep down, that I won’t. I feel bad but I don’t care anymore

[Drazeroth]

On behalf of other INFPs, we're sorry. It hurts us too much to go against what we feel. I have good friends and close family that I can go months without communication. We don't always hide from those we want to avoid, sometimes it's just better to be alone.

[billyhampton]

I cried. This woman has my brain. I've never heard my thought process and inner workings put to words.

[sanjuanspartan]

Ive never heard these thoughts verbalized outside of my mind. I legit thought i was weird or just a messed up person. Thank you.

[emma_luce_]

Your experience with your parent is exactly what has happened to me (infp-t) my whole life. I just started internalising everything and burying all of my emotions.

[hungreeblud]

As an INTJ with an INFP partner (26yrs) who withdraws but then NEVER says what was Ugh. I spend a lot of time guessing and agonizing about what I could possibly have done wrong now. 

I think it's usually because I wanted to have a discussion about feelings and brainstorm about solutions, but OOPS I wasn't careful enough about my phrasing and something I said sounded slightly critical. Then BAM, a week of the silent treatment while he "processes". Great.