Unhealthy Mother and Child Relationships

Are you currently preparing to become a good mother to your future child? Are you worried that your own childhood experiences may bring a negative influence on your parenting? Or perhaps you are the child who wants to analyze the kind of relationship that you have with your mother, so that you are able to know more about yourself, and why you are the way you are.

You came to the right place.

Writer: Syazwana Amirah
Script Editor: Denise Ding
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
Animator: Kayla Ramirez
YouTube Manager: Cindy Cheong

REFERENCES 
Chase, N. (1999). An overview of theory, research, and societal issues. In N. Chase (Ed.), Burdened children (pp. 3-33). New York, NY: Guilford.

De Victoria, S. L. (2008, August 15). Harming your child by making him your
child-by-making-him-your-parent#1

De Victoria, S. L. (2008, August 15). Harming your child by making him your
child-by-making-him-your-parent#1.

Frijns T, Finkenauer C, and Keijsers L. 2013. Shared secrets versus secrets kept private are linked to better adolescent adjustment. J Adolesc. 36(1):55-64.

Koerner SS, Wallace S, Lehman SJ, and Raymond M. 2002. Mother-to-Daughter Disclosure After Divorce: Are There Costs and Benefits? Journal of Child and Family Studies 11(4): 1062-1024 .

Minuchin, S., Montalvo, B., Guerney, B., Rosman, B., & Schumer, F. (1967). Families of the slums. New York, NY: Basic Books.

[phoenix-]

My mom shares ALL of her issues with me. Ten-year-old me was shown a stack of bills and told we wouldn’t be able to pay all of them, and I have to listen to all of the marriage issues she’s having

[fable_enthusiast]

Don't excuse your mom for this, if you've experienced this kind of neglect it's their fault and they should feel guilty. They were adults and decided to have you, it's their problem, you don't need to rebond with them. Believe me, if you'll cut them off, you'll feel better overtime

[reecedoolan]

Thank you so much for this video as an expecting mother I don't ever want to harm my child the way I was by my own mother who very much fits the emotionally absent mother type.

[datboi]

1. bosom buddies 0:43
2. boss and subordinate 1:50
3. the role-reversal relationship 3:01
4. the emotionally absent mother 4:46
5. the mom and her trophy child 5:50
I hope I could help!

[haiddipiloto]

My mother was very “Narcissistic.” It got so bad that I had to officially discontinue all communication with her which included having to let go of everyone I have ever known that stays in touch with her.

[thatonerobotfromstarwars]

Back when i was a kid, my mom would always tell me about her problems, the hardships that she faced and everything about how people hated her and her family, till how my dad is an absentee dad who's very selfish(which severed my relationship with my dad).

I understand that everything was very hard for her and that caused me to want to help with everything i could, be it saving money through any way possible, such as eating the bare minimum at school, looking at every price tag when i purchase everything. All this when i was 8. Even though she had been through a lot of hardships, she never listened to how i feel, summarizing everything i did that was not according to her ways as rebellious and rude to her, thus fighting every day.

Sometimes, even to this day, i just wonder if the problem is me all along. Because i know my mom wanted the best for me.

[khalilahd.]

I had a pretty bad childhood and I always said I won’t have children because I never want to end up being like my parents. I experienced both emotional and instrumental parentification. I took care of my siblings and our emotions 😕. Though not easy I’ve learned to heal from these trauma but I know how hard it can be to overcome so I’m praying that anyone else who relates finds peace and healing too 💛

[artisticalex]

I'm dealing with issues with my mom right now and I have been since I was a child because I have autism and she is so hard with me sometimes. These are all relatable.

[Vampirzaehnchen]

It's kind of funny. My mom somehow fulfills all of those types. She too was my "best friend", at least she said so. She managed everything and everything had to be done her way. She also was like "you can ask me for anything, I'll help you" but when I needed help, she didn't care. And when I couldn't help her (because I was a child and therefore not able to do certain things like earning money) she was like "you were so helpful when you were younger" (I heard that from her since I was twelve...). And whenever it came to exams she never got tired to tell me what she missed in school, how I had to do better to become whatever I wanted (and I'm pretty sure today that she would have made me being a nurse or something equal) and also she compared me with other students in my class and told me in the next sentence how she didn't care about other people...

[avidhossanmansur]

Here is the actual definition:

“The Devouring Mother “consumes” her children psychologically and emotionally and often instills in them feelings of guilt at leaving her or becoming independent.” ~ Caroline Myss. ... The Devouring Mother can also be those who hide behind our followers.

This type of mother can make her children slaves to her emotions and her needs. In this type of relationship, the child can end up parenting the parent. This type of mother is never satisfied and she uses guilt like a weapon. The children of this type of parent usually end up doing one of two things

They become so embroiled in the parents life, that they end up not having a life of their own; or
They run away as soon as they are able, just to get away from and not to be “devoured” by this parents life.
To avoid either of these traps, a child has to learn how to set boundaries with a parent and be able to ignore the parent when they start making absurd demands.

If you have this type of parent, start setting boundaries now. Let your mother know that you love her and will always be there for her, but you have a life to live and now is your time to live it. Remind her that it is a parent’s job to always want better for their children and it’s a parent’s job to give their children the wings they need to learn how to fly from the nest.

After learning about the horrible thins parents doto their children my respect for my own parents grew a million fold. They were negligent for sure but that was about the worst of it.And good luck out there.

[joban]

My mother managed a mix of all, depending where she was on her bipolar rage cycle. The more positive ones didn't work for engagement of course because I was already terrified of and hated her by the time I was 10.

[ouiouibaguette]

My mom is litterally a mix of all of these. Especially the first one she always just dumps her problems, complaints, anger and sadness to me like I'm some kind of a trash bag for all her problems LIKE I HAVE TOLD HER MULTIPLE TIMES NOT TO TELL ME THIS STUFF BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW but when I say that she gets offended and is like "you don't care for your own mother" "what type of daughter are you"

[EliseMarmalade]

in our household, she's the only one who's allowed to be sad or mad. show those emotions and you're punished for it.

[Louise-klow]

your mother being your “best friend” can be so difficult because when you need her she’s almost never there or doesn’t know how to handle it i’ve had to give my mother a level of emotional support and planning im constantly asking “what do i need to to make this happen” because if i don’t do every single task that i physically can it will never happen we are planning a move and i know for a fact if i didn’t handle al of the custody school and job paperwork we would never leave it’s a constant push and pull begging for emotional support and when i ask for it it turns into a pity party for her because “all of my emotional issues are her fault” because she just wants to point all the fingers at her so she doesn’t have to deal with it and give comfort she only wants to receive it

[hypnoticmush]

both of my parents were like this, my dad made me be the parent- and he would yell at me when I wouldn’t cook, do the dishes, etc. i did everything
my mom still leaves all of her problems on me and it’s so stressful, this video gave me some insight, thanks :)

[stayhappylittlemermaid]

Speak the truth even if your voice shakes, don't let anyone judge you by your mistakes... they just don't know what it takes.

[asis]

I really do love my mom. She’s the one who could understand me. Ever since she was outcasted by her mother (my grandma) and lost her brother to cancer (his family is very toxic and blamed us for not being there for him), her sleeping pattern is not regular, she keeps on spending unnecessary items to the point my room is being used for her storage. The relationship between my mom and dad isn’t working well and they wouldn’t communicate like how they used to. They would argue over petty things and sometimes it would be me and mom arguing. My mother wouldn’t even give me a chance to cook although I have wanting to learn to cook. She’s not the person I that I used to know. I really love her.

[ReaperofSouls]

My mother was a mixed bag. She'd throw tantrums, play favorites, Yell and slap and manipulate and we were just supposed to go along with it. She's gone now and I'm just stuck with these frustrations which can nag at me sometimes.

[etaokha]

I've always had a strained relationship with my mother growing up and now as an adult we're like strangers and she thinks am responsible for her happiness. I moved out and lived my indepent life and raising my kids and she never calls or cares about her grandchildren. My mental health was more important than having a toxic mother in my life. She was always emotional unavailable

[alanosmarceballosfranco]

I developed BPD thanks to the toxic relationship I have with my mom, I always try to be a bigger person and fix our relationship but she just wont change her ways. If you are a mother or a father please understand that kids are not an extension of yourself and they are not meant to fulfill the standards you set for them. Kids are unique individuals and they are as human as you are. It is your responsability to accept that fact.