Therapy & Theology: Red Flags We Shouldn’t Ignore in Relationships

In this episode, we'll tackle how the word "submission" has been abused and what it looks like to identify if a relationship has gone from dysfunctional to destructive.

Join Lysa TerKeurst; Licensed Professional Counselor Jim Cress; and Proverbs 31 Ministries' Director of Theological Research, Dr. Joel Muddamalle, for a conversation about therapy and theology.

Helpful links from Lysa TerKeurst and the Proverbs 31 Team:

-Share your story with our team! We’d love to hear how the Proverbs 31 Ministries YouTube channel has impacted you.

#lysaterkeurst #proverbs31 #therapyandtheology #therapy #theology #womensissues #mentalhealth #emotionalabuse

[AnGeLaOYA]

The problem with dysfunctional relationships is that the potentially toxic person can almost volunteer to change their behavior in a way that will keep you hopeful and keep you in the relationship. Becoming mentally strong enough and aware enough to know what authentic and real changes look like are very important or you may be volunteering to stay in a manipulative relationship because the other person who is potentially toxic is giving the illusion that you are controlling them with your boundaries and they are changing, but the changes that they are appearing to have are superficial at best and their underlying dysfunction is still there. You cannot let the appearances of the other person changing on your behalf be enough for you to stay in a relationship, unless the other person is authentically seeing you and hearing you and understanding you and responding in a way in which you need them to that is generally just showing you that they're healthier human beings for it and not as manipulative tactics. Potentially toxic people focus on exterior actions and do not want to deal with what is hiding out in the closet.

[daniP]

The pain when you really love someone and it's falling apart is so much..so much pain.

[jld]

‘They refuse to acknowledge that unhealed trauma needs to be worked out so it is not acted out’.
So true for so many…sadly.
Thank you Lisa, Jim and Joel.
May we all know grow and rest in the truth of our redeeming savior Jesus.

[tvcater]

When you start recording your conversations with your husband …that’s a clear sign of being gaslighted

[berlizgonzalez]

Just Wow!! Husbands love your wives as God has loved his church. That hit hard. I have not found a love like this. God always brings me back to him and reminds of the love I'm worthy of ❤

[carlahoglund]

I’m 71 & never knew until I got out of my 44 year marriage that this was what I was dealing with. In therapy, I was introduced to covert narcissism, I typically don’t like labels but he hit almost everything on the description. The red flags you’re listing also is true & I kept trying to change myself to make things work. The bar kept being raised!! I was totally wiped out as a person due to what he brought up about my past to take the focus off him!! I bought that for so so long. Glad this is being put out more & more. It’s hard when they claim to be a Christian & done years in Alanon/ACA. NO Change!! Thank you!

[elizabethschilling]

May the entire body of Christ become healthy and whole that we no longer hurt each other. 🙏❤️

[hispoiema]

My 35th and last year of marriage, I was shaking, with pain throughout my body and insomnia and couldn't concentrate. He ignored me, explained why the things I said were incorrect, told me his needs, and used me as a sounding board. No relationship ever. He constantly told me to pray for him in order to make the marriage better, citing spiritual warfare on himself - and that's why he couldn't help it.

[monicasoyombo]

I felt nauseous as you read the list...and a little scared. But I know that God allowed me to find your book and 3 months later this YT page so that I can get the help I you all for your hard work and dedication to this topic. It is so needed. 🙏🏿

[projectqueen]

I had this same convetsation..."I am supposed to be in safety in my marriage".
AND I totally felt insecure, disoriented, and confused.
No worries God healed 🙏

[kaceyleann]

Wow, great discussion. Some manipulators are so cunning and good at disguising their true character. Your heart is blinded by “love” that you don’t realize the relationship is toxic until you’re in the thick of it.

[newlinsa]

Throughout my 19 year marriage, I have been dealing with abuse; spiritual, physical, and emotional. When I was an 18-year-old kid, newly married, I didn't know what to call it. I knew the physical abuse wasn't right, but it happened so infrequently...and he was so apologetic that I stayed. I could almost bear that, if I'm being honest. It's the emotional abuse that has just completely devastated me. For years I've dealt with debilitating depression and anxiety. 2020 was especially hard being in the same house with him for months and I quickly spiraled into a very dark place. I couldn't pray or read my Bible and just felt spiritually and emotionally empty. It has taken a LOT of therapy and work to get out of that dark place. I felt like I was in a deep pit that I had to claw my way out of. So, I chose to separate in hopes that we could both work on our own stuff and we could come to a place of healing...but it didn't work. And now we're under the same roof again and I'm trying to set boundaries that he's unwilling to honor. I feel sad, alone, and... trapped. If I'm being honest, I'm terrified. All the questions run through my head. Am I making the right choice? Will I be able to make it on my own? I don't want our marriage to end, but this relationship is not sustainable for me because he's unwilling to even talk to me about anything. I can't allow the depression that keeps knocking at my door to come in again...I can't deal with that again. And I can't even begin to heal from all the trauma because I'm continuously living in it. Please be praying for me to have wisdom to know what to do.

[henriettehofsink]

" loving other without loosing yourself" well said

[daughtersofthekingministry]

Thank you so much for talking about this! It’s super needed..
Singles need so much help.. singles ministry is so needed and those that came from broken homes and then found Christ don’t know how to identify good relationships.. this needs to be talked about in the church

[northtrader]

I'm a male listening to this. I am routinely on the receiving end of red flags 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. Issues are NEVER dealt with and just sept under the rug as fast as possible and almost always met with an emotional explosion that is way beyond what the conversational context calls for. I am often questioning whether I am going crazy. My kids have commented the fact that meaningful addressing and resolution to issues appears to be impossible. Been trying to 'hold' the marriage together for the last 10 plus years with no progress in these areas over that time. It is very discouraging These scenarios are not only experienced by females.

[mdereus]

I am thrilled that Christians are tackling this issue. Mental health is a HUGE issue in the world and that stems from issues that were discussed today. Blessings to all three of you as you discuss more specific issues. Thank you in pointing it always back to Jesus. From your list, I see areas for my improvement and to put healthier boundaries around some issues I am facing - drawing that line in the sand. May God bless your podcast as you reach more and more people. Shalom!

[victoria]

This is so important. It has brought me to tears to listen to these podcasts. God revealing the truth of what he has already begun to show me. I have been through several abusive relationships and I believe they were even worse because of me believing false interpretations or misunderstandings of Gods word. God will give you wisdom and understanding through the Holy Spirit if you just draw near to Him. He loves us so much! Thanks you so much!❤

[rdDayPromise]

I wish I had heard this years ago when I was told by pastor’s there are no grounds for divorce. Fortunately, they sent me to their approved therapist, and she disagreed. I left the marriage and life was wonderful as a single mom for years, until life fell apart. I had carried guilt for years because “God hates divorce”, so I then felt God must be punishing me for getting divorced all those years ago. Long struggle to come to the conclusion that I wish I had been more careful in choosing a husband. God will use all my pain for His purposes. I just now understand those verses and feel like a huge weight was just removed from my shoulders! I wish I had learned more about boundaries raising my kids while coparenting, because now I am horrified watching my adult children being harmed by their father. I think it is with the intent of hurting me. So I am processing more guilt. I am so glad to see mental health issues finally being addressed by the church! That is the story God sent my storms for, just waiting for an eye of the storm to catch my breath!
Thanks for sharing what God taught you in your storm!

[renchemarais]

DESPERATELY NEEDED TO KNOW THIS. SO TIRED OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

[zuuumbaaa]

When Lysa started reading the list of red flags I immediately recognized them from her new book, Boundaries and Goodbyes….even though in the book the reg flags are not listed under “emotional abuse”, when I read that list in the book - before seeing this video - I immediately thought: these are classical behaviors of emotional abusers/people with narcissistic tendencies. Thanks for speaking about it under the umbrella of emotional abuse in this video. Because when those behaviors consistently, that’s emotional abuse.