John Gottman's Four Horsemen and Antidotes: Couple Counselling #LewisPsychology

In this video I discuss Dr John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and their antidotes. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is actually a metaphor depicting the end of times. Gottman use this metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. John Gottan is an American psychological researcher and therapist. He is known for his work on relationship analysis through scientific direct observations, many of which were published in peer-reviewed journals. Gottman can predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy and has researched relationships for over 40 years.

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🔵 VIDEO TIMINGS

0:00 Introduction
0:54 Criticism
2:03 Contempt
3:18 Defensiveness
4:12 Stonewalling
5:25 Introducing the antidotes
6:14 The antidote to criticism
6:59 The antidote to contempt
7:45 The antidote to defensiveness
8:17 The antidote to stonewalling
9:51 Summary

🔵 HORSEMEN ONE: CRITICISM

The first and most common horsemen is criticism. Being critical is often the expression of pent-up, unresolved anger. Criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint focusses a specific issue, but criticism is an attack on your partner’s personality or character. Criticism often starts with the word ‘You’. Criticisms also tend to be generalisations as you’ll frequently hear phrases such as “You never” or “You always”. Criticism can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel attacked, rejected and hurt. The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes prevalent it actually opens the door for the other horsemen. The antidote for criticism is to use a soft or gentle start-up. Avoid using ‘you’ statements such as “you did …” which feel like an attack and indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

🔵 HORSEMEN TWO: CONTEMPT

When we communicate with contempt we we treat others with disrespect, call them names, throw insults and use body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. With this horsemen you’re basically throwing insults into the heart of your partners sense of self and when we communicate in this way the person on the receiving end is made to feel worthless. According to Gottman, contempt is the single greatest predictor of a relationship breakdown. He has even referred to contempt as sulphuric acid for love as its the most destructive of the four horsemen. The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship, and there are a few ways to do that such as expressing appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner.

🔵 HORSEMEN THREE: DEFENSIVENESS

The third horseman is defensiveness which is typically a response to criticism or contempt. The fact that defensiveness is an understandable reaction to criticism or contempt is one reason it’s so destructive. But defensiveness tends to escalate a conflict rather than resolve it. The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility even if only for part of the conflict.

🔵 HORSEMEN FOUR: STONEWALLING

Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, they shut down and stop talking. Metaphorically they are building a wall between them and their partner. Stonewalling is a result of feeling physiologically flooded so when we stonewall, we’re not in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally. The antidote to stonewalling is to practice physiological self-soothing, and the first step of self-soothing is to stop the discussion. Break for least twenty minutes because it will take that long before your body physiologically calms down. Spend your time doing something self-soothing such as listening to music, playing a video game, going for a small walk or reading. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as you find it soothing.

🔵 ABOUT TERESA LEWIS

Teresa Lewis is the founder and Director of Lewis Psychology and a Senior Accredited psychotherapist with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (MBACP Snr. Accred). Qualified in 1995, Teresa has been providing counselling and psychotherapy treatment for nearly 30 years. Teresa holds a masters degree in counselling and psychotherapy and is a qualified EMDR Practitioner having completed training accredited with EMDR Europe. Teresa is also a qualified adult educator and an accredited Mindfulness teacher As a recognised expert in her field Teresa is frequently asked to conduct editorial reviews and endorse counselling and psychotherapy books for international publishing houses.

[kubakozub]

I think that as adults, we often fail in relationships because we don't really know how to be in a relationship; we just observed our parents without considering that relationships can be better. And so, from generation to generation, we repeat the same mistakes. You presented these descriptions and solutions nicely. I think that these antidotes may be different for everyone, but you included the very foundation.

[biicoachingformndkarlotto]

Thanks for the presentation. Very useful for my inner dialog as well

[vanglo]

Best explanation that I understand. Thank you so much?

[jhnc]

I like to think of the difference between criticism and contempt as internal vs external venom; Criticism is external - the verbal acid that slowly destroys a person. Contempt is internal - resentment, loss of respect, and devaluing a person (this is the last nail in the coffin). Similarly, defensiveness is external: verbally creating barriers to addressing any of your issues; whilst stonewalling is internal, the silent treatment, the silent internal wall that ignores all issues slowly corroding the relationship.

[MartheMauve]

I think you really have the gift of explaining things in such a way they resonate with me immediately.
One viewer at a time you make a better world

[SusanaXpeaceu]

This is really interesting, you often read about the four horsemen but you don't often read the antidotes!

[Rawkale]

Clear explanation on the Four Horsemen and provide helpful antidotes. Thank you so much 😊

[zarahumranwala]

This was so well explained, thank you!

[jameswanyugi]

Thanks for sharing so calmly and clearly.

[richardbutler]

Great video thanks for spending the time to create and post

[ladybug]

Absolutely excellent explanation of the four horsemen and the antidotes!!! You have a gift for teaching! I understand it much better the way you explained it. Thank you so much! This information is vital for peace and happiness in this world! And it can help us all to become more self aware. I’ve been practicing this in all my relationships and I have noticed how much it helps when I use a gentle start up when I have to say something about a situation I don’t like. It seems to help when interacting with people with emotional problems too. Have you had success communicating with people with NPD or narcissistic traits using the four horsemen antidotes?

[er]

I feel like the stonewalling began all the trouble. My husband can see anything I say as criticism. I once told him that I felt like our marriage was healthier than it had ever been, and expressed that my resentment of a painful miscommunication we'd had early on was completely gone. I smiled at him with relief. And he said, "we're talking about our relationship? I'd say that the biggest problem is ...." And he walked away.

I was so confused. He thought that I was trying to fight with him, maybe because I said it was better, which means that it hasn't been perfect, which is an attack? I guess?

[JeSuisunHumain-]

I like the idea od antidotes, but I wonder how effective they will be long term. For example in the case 8:03 if we are to assume that partner A is routinely upset at partner B for not taking care of various tasks, then would paryner A simply responding by apologizing and offering to do the task him or herself be an effective long term strategy?

[stevedeacon]

Makes a lot of sense. Am I the only one that is distracted by the figure on the shelf. It looks like a Buddha statue.

[caselynng]

So this is very beneficial and helpful but what if you’re on the receiving end of contempt?

[Grut]

Today, my wife told me that she wished for a divorce. Unfortunately, my marriage was doomed from the start. I could only express the behaviours demonstrated by my parents in their own failed marriage.

I wish I had found the work of Gottman sooner. The Four Horsemen reflect what I had experienced. My wife has stated she still loves me but that reconciliation will not be possible. I have broken her.

[AbbyMills-fl]

I'm curious however, when a partners expectations are very high and not obtainable how would you discuss this without it sounding defensive? If a partner continues to ask if you have completed tasks and you literally haven't had the time, how would you phrase this so you don't put the onus on the partner? Obviously a great deal of work and research has been put in to the Gottmans' work and studies show its effectiveness. I'm just having a hard time connecting theory and reality. If both members of the couple are staying away from the four horseman and working towards treating each other with respect, I do see how this would work. However, if one partner was the only one trying to adhere to this I could see it becoming abusive.

[zoegavin]

What if you are called the most horrible things after you've told them how much it hurts, and you choose to just leave as you, from past relationships also just can't and won't except that, they too have had hard past relationship. And then yet still miss them as things mostly are wonderful

[musthurt]

Stonewalling is also a sign of Narcissistic behaviour

[Flamingpins]

So what happens when you take responsibility for not “calling Phil about dinner” and she still attacks you?