Can’t find love (and sick of hearing ‘love yourself first’)

Enrique writes, “Dear Susan: I love your videos and they helped me a lot. However, I am starting to lose hope for love. I'm tired of people say, "You have to love yourself first" "You have to be independent." I'm 26, and have never had a relationship, guys just keep choosing others over me, almost all of them loose their interest in me, I’m torn and frustrated, how will I ever believe I will find love”

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[whocares]

So there’s just one thing that isn’t sitting right with me about all of this. Why are single people always made to feel like they’re the problem and they have some fatal flaw? Sorry, but the person has a point. We all see complete trainwrecks who are in relationships. They didn’t do any work yet found people who love them unconditionally. Not every single person is unattractive, weird, or dresses badly. Many are attractive, kind, and interesting yet they’re still single. They follow all the advice out there yet still don’t meet the right person. Seems like it’s either down to luck or this world is completely backwards

[toscadonna]

Our grandparents didn’t have to “love themselves first” or twist themselves into a pretzel IOT find love. They weren’t taught to be independent; the attitude was that men and women needed each other and that love/marriage were meaningful. Society has changed drastically. My life would be better with love. I’ve always had to be independent since I was a kid and couldn’t count on anyone. It would be nice to be able to count on someone like they could count on me.

[lifebeginstoday]

When will we start telling the truth, that many people, good people, will not find love? It doesn't matter what they do, how they look, what they say...this world is so off track that not everyone will be so fortunate to find love. People need to start the dialogue on how to live a wonderful life and not feel devalued without a life partner.

[SusanH]

I get sick of hearing your too picky! If picky means being in a relationship that both of us are attracted to each other, with same moral standards and interests. Then yes I am picky and I’ll stay single.

[knatxkyngxkoldofficialpage]

When they always ask if you found a relationship yet, but they never try to match you up with someone they know.

[Mountainsever]

This whole “you need to love yourself first and be independent” stuff is so annoying. I’m a 33 year old single man. I WANT to be married. I WANT to find a wife. I WANT to share my life with someone and build a life together. A relationship should be about building a life together not living it independently with someone else. I thought I found this and then I was broken up with out of nowhere. So it sucks. Everywhere I look, I see people in relationships and people who are married. I know it won’t always be sunshine’s and unicorns and rainbows but I still want to be married someday and find a wife. I shouldn’t have to apologize for that

[ChrisLT]

When I was a teenager, I was baffled that people in relationships can be sad. "You have a girlfriend, you've basically won at life!" Little did I know what a real relationship is like. It's there to enhance things, not to fix your issues.

[cheeseoneverythingplease]

This video is gold! We really need to normalize this conversation around being single and talk about the unreal expectations about coupledom. So many people suffer deeply and feel less than because they believe a relationship will improve their lives and bring happiness
As if it was the ultimate goal. It's natural to want to experience it and share your life with someone, but we are constantly bombarded with unrealistic views of relationships in social media, movies, music, pop culture, and society. And that unreal expectation only bring suffering.

[papyrus]

I found my soulmate when I was in love with life all by myself as single :)

[Bauswin]

I really empathize with Enrique, both in his situation (I'll soon be 28 and have never had a relationship) and what he's being told. When you're stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of rejection it really does make you feel hopeless, and the last thing you want to hear is an empty "love yourself first". My favourite (sarcastically, of course) is "no one will love you unless you love yourself". If you want someone to feel worse about themselves then use that line. The dating world is scary at best and absolutely soul crushing at worst. I'm trying to work on myself, and I do like the idea of being able to share a life with someone, but frankly I have no idea if that's what's in store for me. At least not in the near future. It's a rough thought really.

Either way I really enjoy and appreciate your videos, Susan. You rock!

[npkrn]

Yes I'm with Enrique... The empty platitudes that many people throw at you aren't helpful. It's like being at a funeral and inevitably some moron says the deseased is "in a better place" 😤 As if that will assuage your grief 🙄😔 And I agree also with your friend - many of us have done quite a bit of inner work, are comfortable with ourselves, and ok with being single - but here is the problem with being someone who HAS done inner work, we start to realize that in the dating pool many have NOT done any self reflection so you start to date them and realize how asleep they are in their lives and you just can't continue with them - so your alone again. Finding others who are where you are, or at your level of self awareness if you have done the work and battled your demons and bettered yourself is very, very difficult because most people have not.

[robertlopez]

I would say to this 26 year old that I feel the same exact way as a guy. I’m sick and tired of the same advice as well. Especially when the people saying it usually are hypocrites. All I can say is don’t listen to them if it makes you lose hope. It’s ok to be a hopeless romantic. Not many people are like us and it drives us insane to hear the same thing over and over. Just don’t lose faith because I know what you’re going through and I go through the same thing. Be desperate if you want; most people will judge you for that but it’s not like they’re perfect either. Be independent by telling them to go screw themselves and their stupid advice.

[maceyr.]

As a 20-yr-old woman, I absolutely love this one!

[samuraimaidai]

I was just thinking about these issues and I always hated to hear "you should love yourself first" statement. But your explanation was so on point that I felt like you were reading through my soul. I slowly started to change this mindset of "the one" and "he will change everything". After many disappointments, as a 32-year-old woman, I started to focus less on the love, maybe I lost my hope already. But thank you Susan, this video made me reevaluate myself :)

[Dan-dijd]

I'm nearly 40 and never successfully been in a relationship. I'm sure I do something wrong but people I know didn't have to try as hard as I did to even get into a conversation. At some point all you have left is yourself and you wonder what went wrong? At this point a relationship is also something of a unicorn unobtainable dream that you wonder what could it be like? You sort of imagine all sorts of unrealistic scenarios that would probably never realistically happen. But at this point I feel so broken about it that if I was in a relationship I probably would feel sad and angry.

[marienmocka]

Release all the stress, chill, and try to have a good time, it will happen naturally. It is being my mantra🥰 thanks a lot.

[robertah]

Wow this video really changed my mindset! I’ve been depressed about being single lately

[iolantham]

Dear Susan, I appreciate some of your advice, but some people NEVER find love. I've dated many guys and had boyfriends and I was never loved. It's not about my looks, behavior or other aspects. It's the men who are selfish, who lie in the big issues, like loving me (because they can't get another better girlfriend at the time they are with me), men who are narcissists, players etc. With these I can't have a family. Like me there are other single men and single women, because I believe about 50% of men and women are poorly raised and don't deserve to be married. Who would want to be with a selfish person, who cares only about himself/herself? Regarding the woman who didn't work on herself and found a man who loved her, this is through God's grace. He made it possible for those two people to meet. For me and others like me, He didn't send anyone to love us. If we are the only ones who love in a relationship and the boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't truly love, that's not real love and that relationship should end. So, love doesn't come to everyone. I'm 37 at the time I wrote this message.

[alanna]

Wow . You literally couldn't have said it better. Experienced my first heart break last year. The only relationship i have experienced as a 26 year old myself. I can definitely say that going through the break up and looking back, everything Susan said in this video is factual.

[cesarinfashion]

I could totally relate to what you were saying Susan. I've been single for a while and started to wonder if there was something wrong with me or something but thanks for making it clear it's a process we have to work on and overcome since the biggest love comes from our inner selves instead of idealizing something that probably doesn't even exist. Thank you for your videos, God bless.