Disorganized Attachment: Pull You Close, Then Push You Away

In this video we chat about all things disorganized attachment style: how it develops, the traits, the typical relationship patterns and of course, strategies to work through it.

Socials:

[Gemisnotmyname]

The core belief is "they will fuck up. And Im ready with my bags packed and I didnt believe them for a second that they loved me. Lets get this done, im already over it. And I knew it wouldnt work"

[ilovecupcakes]

You look like Kelly Rowland. Absolutely gorgeous 😊

[Mandy]

I consciously experience this within romantic relationships, it's like you want that connection so bad but then when you have it something switches off until you feel threatened again.

[xoyouaremysunshinexo]

What's so hard about this style is that in order to change those beliefs about others you have to have positive experiences with them. But our attachment style is often how we end up connecting with people who just DEEPEN our negative beliefs. It's a Catch 22. So the very shallow advice that folks are often given, that we need to put ourselves out there and keep trying leads us to more negative experiences with other people, which just gives us MORE reasons to distrust. I've had different therapists suggest this without taking into account how someone's attachment style may contribute to them seeking out people who are not good for their healing.

[raelcoward]

I was like oh Kelly Rowland is doing therapy now?

[briattnybrittany]

in my 'healing childhood issues' journey, i enter every relationship with a baseline of trust, until proven otherwise. i also trust myself and my internal guidance fully. i find that's the healthiest approach and i'm secure now. i've come such a long way 🙏🏾 and it wasn't easy, but it was worth it. to anyone suffering in silence, keep going. i've even forgiven my caregivers and made peace with what was and i'm present in what is, and setting my life up for what's to come. keep going! you got thiss ❤

[v-buckschan]

Dude, my funniest thing (in my opinion) of my disorganized attachment is that I go online, any video game ever with text chat, immediately build a close relationship with a random person within minutes, then immediately ghosting them forever.

Wowie that’s a short lived roller coaster 😅

[ayaayouni]

🥺i've been struggling with that my whole life i didn't know that i have this kind of attachement style just lately
actually my relationships are bad friendships and love ones
i feel like i'm pulling away everyone
at the same time but at the same time i want to be loved and cared for
i want to be vulnerable with someone but i can't trust anyone 🥺
i'm working on this right now
and i hope things could be better 🥺❤️

[jpbsbraga]

It feels like a con. "Oh they are showing me that there may be love for me here, but I think there isn't. I've been here before", "Not even the people that love me love me", "They just like me now, but they'll stop eventually"

[zajaiva]

The belief is: they fucked up, they have never actually loved me they are only showing it now. I am a fool and a idiot for even thinking that was a posibility so better that I leave now showing that I didnt care as much as I did so I dont appear to be the fooled one.

[misterx]

1:19 - "The people who love you will hurt you"...I searched for this insight for so long, always felt there must be something, and now I have it. Thanks so much!

[whatshappening]

I suppose this is the one that fits me the best. I’ll get really excited and optimistic in the beginning but then things change because all of sudden some red flag pops up and I bounce. The red flag shouldn’t be a deal breaker but any sign that things could go bad-i bounce. I have been through too much and so even the slightest possible conflict and I’m gone. But then I still crave intimacy. It’s wild.

[letterscreative]

This was very eye opening Simone. I do understand that I end relationships because I feel threatened all the time of rejection, even when there's probably, realistically, no threat, I feel very alarmed and in the end close the situation. It can happen rather quickly, say, even after 1 month. I feel like I cannot be "myself" or "open up" or "trust" or "relax". The only thing I feel is rather essentially very threatened and very not enough, I don't even feel like I understand how normal co operative space is, or what love is. I also think I attract partners who can't give me what I need, like depth, connection and understanding.

In essence, you make it very clear that this is my "paranoia" trauma state or w/e I should call it, I feel this way because I was/am deeply unsafe. Not because my partners are unsafe.

[tigrrrlilly]

Such a helpful, kind way to describe an attachment style that can feel brutal (I’m on the receiving end of it). I’m looking forward to checking out many more of your videos, thanks!

[samyb]

I got my heart broken by an FA. It’s been a very traumatic recovery. I have a lot of empathy for her. She’s been through a lot of traumas. 4 months out of the relationship and I’m still hurting. It’s so confusing.

[ade_adeg]

Met a beautiful lady with this issue. I'm determined to find a solution

[RoseClimbPaintC]

Stay single forever has been pretty useful. Still got my heart broken though. Still stay single forever is my best bet.

[kkx]

Id really love to find a support group to start being able to build trust with others. This attachment is a recent thing I'm finally accepting and trying to understand. I hoped I would not be this, but I am and I have to actively try almost all the time to not just walk away from everyone in my life. Would be so much easier!

[sjgrall]

I've never seen this attachment style come up anywhere previously, and it describes someone I tried to date several times over the years, at least from my perception. Thank you! I've been trying to make sense of it all.

[looli]

This is the best video on disorganized attachment I found. Thank you for taking the time to make it. I suspected I was but the explanations were so clinical it was hard to see my lived experience in them. I don't see myself as unpredictable but I definitely see myself pushing and pulling within a moments notice. I see myself running after vulnerability bc Im so scared and raw but also feeling anxious that theyll finally get sick of me and running after then when they don't run after me. It's all so toxic and now that I have a name for it. I can better address it simce I really have a special someone who deserves the best version of me