NARCISSISTIC VS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: ORIGINS AND WHY IT MATTERS

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NPD and BPD definitely share overlapping traits and dynamics, however, the origins of Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs Borderline Personality Disorder are often different, especially in terms of childhood and attachment.

While the personality disorders can overlap and vary, the way we deal with someone who has NPD vs BPD can be different in some areas, especially in terms of what we can expect from them, how we set boundaries, etc.

This video explores NPD and BPD from an Attachment lens, and explores the similarities and differences, and why it can make a difference to understand the disorders and traits of BPD and NPD for those of us who have them in our lives.

[AmandaBradley-phlj]

I have a theory that BPD could be characterized as having severely dysregulated empathy. I have seen my BPD parent display a tremendous amount of empathy for other people, consistently over a long period of time and in a variety of situations. But when something triggers the storm inside them that empathy completely disappears and is replaced by rage. I think maybe rage can even feel like a twisted form of justice to them: “I bend over backward to take such good care of you and this is how you treat me? I’ll show you…” and then they launch into rage and abuse. And then when their empathy returns they feel so terrible for having hurt the other person that they cannot cope with the truth and turn to denial or blacking it out from their memory. So the child experiences this horrible mix of empathy, rage, abuse, invalidation and gaslighting.

[Overthetop]

The biggest commonality between the two that I found, was the apparent expression of the cycle of abuse. It took me a while to figure this out... originally thinking that the BPD partner was NPD, but the push-pull cycle of the BPD appears at first like the hoover-devalue-discard cycle of the Narcissist. Around and around, positive and negative ad nauseam. The underlying difference is that the NPD abuse tends toward those actions being malicious for personal gain, while the BPD cycle is a struggle to stabilize their perception of you, and the distorted threat that that poses to them. Really different causes, but superficially, the "cycles" seem the same because, well... they are cycles.

[touchedbyfire]

This was a great explanation Dr. Sage. My mom cycled between the two conditions and also had a few psychotic breaks in there as well. The way we experienced her was either out of control emotionally or checked out emotionally behind closed doors. In public, she used us like props to demonstrate what a good mother she was. But she wasn’t and I did not figure this out until I had my own children. I grew up not knowing what was real and not knowing anything about who I was and what I wanted because we were trained just to manage her emotions and nothing at all about ourselves which were always secondary and not important.

[faychampoux]

I am a retired social worker and I love your channel. Thank you

[kathleenferguson]

My mom was diagblnosed as NPD by one psychiatrist, BPD by another.. Another diagnosed NPD w/ BPD features, the 4th BPD w/ NPD features. I agree with the last two.
The conditions can overlap, but they are very different.

[chinhphan]

My compassion ends where the abuse starts.

[exovit]

As someone who's in remission for BPD I LOVE that youre making this!! They ARE different. And you sometimes do need to cut a BPD person lose. But theres hope. You have to look at whether the person working on themselves and getting better ❤❤❤

[PhoenixtheII]

BPD: Hurt themselves, blame themselves, doesn't know how to get love.
NPD: Hurt others, blame others, demands love
BPD+NPD: Hurt both, blames others
BPD+AvPD: Hurt themselves, blames themselves, removes themselves/runs from situations, doesn't engage, lacks assertiveness

[openrealm]

Seriously, there was a super-subtle thread of thought that she maintained during the last 2 minutes there, that was sublime. I now see my situation clearly. She is BPD at the core, and with certain NPD qualities, meaning she maybe does have a soul after all. I don't know. Goodnight all, very thoughtful video.

[ArtistBentley]

Thank you for this explanation. This has helped me understand myself much more. Of course, since I am the one damaging others due to my BPD and possibly more (also an addict in recovery from alcoholism for 23 years, but still struggling with addictive behaviors and chronic pain issues). Now at age 65, I realize it is much too late for me. However, I can refuse to inflict myself upon others, which is the only truly responsible course of action for me. Fortunately, I also value my solitude when I can get it. So that will have to be my saving grace. 🙏🏼 I appreciate the work you are doing on here.

[sineadgrier]

Brilliant, my son took his own life at 32 we both had bpd and substance abuse . it's like losing myself this really helped me understand i was too ill to make a better job of being a mum but I am so sad I loved my son so much . I am estranged from my daughter for over 3 years now and I can't cope with oldest son 's Npd partner . All I can do is live my best life alone and show that there can be some recovery and to be a witness albeit from a distance to their lives .. I am not to blame for all of this chaos and tragedy just some of it.I am nearly 19 years sober.

[ChrisViljoenAwesome]

Doctor, out of months of researching, you have been the absolute best in making things clear and complete yet concise!!! am I glad I finally know how to separate NPD from BPD and now know how to better navigate it. Thanks doctor!!!

[lisatolife]

I feel as though I have been divinely guided to you Dr. Sage. Understanding my childhood has been difficult, but you explained exactly what both my parents have dealt with all their lives. My mother the NPD and my father the BPD both not diagnosed, nor would they except a diagnosis. I was diagnosed with ADHD nine years ago and I have been in search of my mental health lineage ever since. I feel a sense of relief having a name to put with the actions they exhibited as I was growing up and continue to as an adult. I'm an empathic survivor (former NPD in training) and I'm always in search of a better me. Thank you for posting this, it took me two years to find you and I'm so glad I did.

[BigHeartNoBS]

My twin sister is NPD. I went no contact on her and my narc family in 2006 so I could live a healthier way of life. I feel like I am BPD healing my narcissistic & codependent tendencies and I am a lot more at peace. I feel happier! 😅 I don't rage like I used to. Been focused on my purpose- driven vocational work, which has been very healing.

[maressasilva]

It's the first time I hear such a good explanation on the difference between BPD and NPD! Thanks Dr Kim! ❤

[saero]

Hi there, therapist here. I think you do an amazing job of clearly explaining mental health issues. I think you do an especially good job of explaining how you can have compassion yet not subject yourself to terrible behavior, particularly in dealing with BPD and narcissism.

[lavenderkisses]

Raised with a boarderline mother & married a npd-took me years but I’m ok with me now & completely agree, similarities between the two, but the core of “why they do what they do” is different.
Both definitely operate with unhealthy methods regardless of what motivates them.

The video does a good job of explaining what I’ve noticed.

[cominghometoyeshua]

Very helpful. I have always thought my mother-in-law was narcissistic. But after watching this, she is borderline with narcissistic traits. Sadly, she works in psychiatry and is screwing over her patients everyday and brags like she is their savior But she is tearing families apart By over identifying with the borderline child in the family. It's super creepy and she appears oblivious to how sick she is. I have had to cut off all contact with her for her constant manipulation, Horrible lies about everyone that loves her, and complete disrespect of any boundaries. Everyone is so scared of her because of her backlash when you defend yourself to her that they choose to enable her. but not me!

[narishaloflin]

This was soooo helpful! I've been trying to discern the diff between these 2 disorders for months...& finally today while I listened to you for the 1st time the light bulb went on! WOW, I'm NOT going crazy! I feel such relief! Thank you, Dr. Sage! I just subscribed! 💟

[xchrysantha]

I LOVE the way you describe both BPD and NPD. I have BPD and so does my mom, and it's very moving to me how much compassion and empathy you bring to our experience. And as someone who loves humanity and always tries to see the good in people (even to my own detriment), I also appreciate how you speak about people with NPD. The discourse around people with this disorder or these traits are SO vilified (which honestly is completely understandable), but you leave a little window of hope in the discourse that allows us to understand where those behaviors and that psychology is coming from and therefore ways to bring light to it and for people to get better. I dunno, just listening to you describe all of this makes me feel hopeful. Thank you so much for the work you're doing. <3