New relationship? Why pace can make or break it

Timing and pace are important factors to establishing a relationship and allowing it to solidify. If you push too quickly you’ll scare off your partner. If you move too slowly they’ll lose interest. Here’s the pace that’s just right.

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[verronica]

anyboy else in love with her decor? the colors the style...that chaiselonge in the back...i need it

[westcoastorbust]

We were fluid within a week. Never played games, I never had to question anything. We are pacing ourselves intentionally though. It's hard because we are attracted to each other.

[KiwiWithAHatFF]

This is some of the best relationship advice I've stumbled upon on youtube. There truly aren't any "One size fits all" approach for relationships. Relationships are subjective to the experiences of both partners. Some may think that seeing eachother three times a week is excessive, with the latter feeling comfortable. It's up to you, and how your partner feels. The tricky part, is it takes knowing an understanding yourself, and being authentic so that the connection is natural and NOT forced!

[steventoms]

Found this really helpfull.
My last brief relationship went waaay to fast and ended in disaster.
This time it’s different and feels so much nicer. And we communicate so well on a lot of different things too.

Going steady really is the way to go for me

[LittlePoet]

Wow, there is a lot covered here! You are always brilliant Susan. I can relate to " pacing" so much...I am the foot-dragger and I am the one full of fear.I do not fear love...I fear losing me...I fear marriage. I have been dating this great man for 2 months now and we now see each other week-ends and one night during the week. That seems like a lot to me but nothing to him. It takes me months to fall in love with someone and I what I feel overtaking me is attachment and safety...not love. But I adore his fatherly ways towards me...and I think I could fall in love with him. But I need a lot of time and I’m not sure he could give me that time. Sometimes a person can love you enough for two...but that’s a dangerous road. xxoo adore you, Susan

[rbaker]

I’m much slower at the beginnings of something new these days (I’m 39). I’ve literally just started seeing someone, four times in the space of two weeks. He started rushing the physical side with me on date 3, and I made it clear I want to move at a slower pace. He met me for date four, and again, wanted sex. He’s confused, because he knows I like him, and he is very sexually attracted to me and also likes me. But he is finding it hard to understand my tentative pace with sex. I’ve been very open and explained that it is my pace, my preference, and that I rushed the physical side in the last and found that it created a false sense of intimacy, before my mind had time to catch up with my body. Anyway. He said he understands and respects that I have boundaries and am caring for my emotional state. But I’m scared to stand my ground and stay true to myself. My instinct is to please him and give him what he wants, otherwise I will lose him. It’s the first time I’ve done things at my own pace, and it feels different and a little scary! But, I have to think - if he truly likes me and wants me, he will understand and wait!!!
Loved listening to you video.
It’s so apt. And very helpful. Thank you!

[fernandaguisard]

I've recently got into a new relationship and we've had a relatively fast pace, but it does feel pretty natural, at first I was worried that maybe we were going too fast but after watching your video I realised that we've been respectful with each other, respected each other's personal liver, we're allowing ourselves only have contact when both of us can, and I think that our experiences in the past are responsible for our pacing, to me, we've found in each other a lot of things thay we've missed in the past.

[shilpie]

You are seriously so articulate. This helps tremendously.

I have commented previously on a video about how to not be a fake you in a relationship because that’s what I did with my ex. And now I’m watching this because I want to make things right with a new, awesome guy in my life.

Funny how you think life can “end” if you’re not with someone but trust me, once you get rid of that crazy expectation, there are endless possibilities!

[chempanda]

I'm in a relationship now. My former ones I always went with whatever pace the person operated on or how things are. These days I take to heart if I'm comfortable or not and voice it openly.

[cherylross]

Pacing is so Important, Susan is so smart and full of wisdom.

[lindazeisky]

Fantastic, so true! I noticed that too, after dating just enough people (doesn't have to be a whole lot, different for everyone, I feel) allows you to be more aware, see clearer of what you want and don't want for sure. Thank you! 💚

[wellitsjustG]

good God thank you for the vindication. I was pumping the brakes at the beginning of a relationship to make sure my 5 year old was stable from the divorce and also follow his lead about being around my new girlfriend. I was met with "When am I going to be your top priority?". I communicated exactly why I was being soo deliberate, but it was not good enough. And when she didn't get what she wanted, she set the whole thing on fire. Allot of time and effort burned to the ground for lack of maturity. I've learned from it.

[mgw]

Thank you for this video Susan. This helped calm me down a little bit. I had a talk with my girlfriend and everything is ok. I told her I don't ever want her to feel pressured but sometimes I can't help myself she'll have to blame God for making her so attractive to me lol. Her husband cheated on her and its hard for her to completely open up to me at this stage in the relationship. She said she see's and knows im a good Man and that she can see a future with me but she needs to slow down and give her some time to process her emotions. She's guarding her heart and I totally understand. I respect and admire this woman very much. My marriage ended due to my wife having an affair. So I can totally empathize with her. I think or feel eventually she's going to open up and never let me go.

[sswcustomcyclesswcustomcyc]

Excellent information Susan. In this age with computers, and the sadly common attitude of "it's right now or never going to happen" I have noticed people are so used to instant gratification. So many people do not have self control and just jump right in without looking at what they are jumping into. They do not pay attention to their own actions and they do not take responsibility for their own actions. So when a new relationship goes wrong one or both people jump to conclusions and it gets very toxic very quickly. I have made the mistake myself of just jumping in and finding out that she was not even close to being as interested as I was. Or finding out I was not intended as she was. I made mistakes in my actions, I learned from them, and I made amends for what I did wrong in those relationships. By doing that I was able to learn more about myself, what I want, what I can bring into a relationship, not repeat my actions that ruined the relationship, and then be able to move forward with my life to start a healthy relationship. I would suggest to anyone to keep a journal of their relationship. That way they can keep track of their actions, keep track of what they are happy with, and they can reflect on their own actions and see their progress in the relationship. Then they can becoming willing to practice honesty, open mindedness, and willing to do the work for the relationship is not just important for the person it is important for the relationship. The journal might sound like micro management of one's self to some people. I see it as a useful tool to prevent repeating past behavior that leads to failure. From my personal experience going slowly, practicing healthy communication with her, listening to her, being able to share with her my thoughts, share my feelings, my willingness to learn, and work with her. Practicing these actions putting them to use they will continue to help me in a relationship. By doing this going at a healthy pace and not rushing has been not just helpful to me I have noticed that it helps her too. Anyways I am done rambling and I am so glad to have seen this video today. Thank you so much Susan for sharing your wonderful advice. I look forward to seeing your next new video. Take care and have a wonderful day and an awesome weekend.

[Busgirl]

Your a genius! I just started dating again, and this clarified everything for me. So now I know I’m pacing myself the right way with the guy I’ve been seeing! Thank you!

[winkfma]

This is GREAT info. My partner said your exact words. I almost thought he saw your video.

[ava-jlll]

How would this apply to a long distance situation? How is the pacing then? What about intimacy, what’s the pacing there? It’s not like you have the convenience of seeing them when you feel like it with a short drive /cab ride away on the weekend.

[nikstar]

"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread"... my gut feeling was going OFF when my ex wanted to introduce his 3 children (5, 7, 9!) to me in week 4! (50/50 custody with his ex wife) I explained it was way too soon for me and he just didn't feel settled until we had met saying "kids and I are a package deal and they will love you so much omg" . Me, at 44 never has kids and never married took on way too much injecting sooo much positivity into their lives .. i lost myself (took days off from my business to look after them as he was in so much debt) I gave in and met them.. fell in love with them as they took to me like fish to water. After only 2-3 months, I was so depleted and I had to work on disengaging bc I was too involved in their lives when it wasn't my responsibility .. fast forward 9 months later and I was totally exhausted and $7K spent on kids (my fault giving too much) from him expecting me to parent them and drive his parenting bus! I had a breakdown and he couldn't handle me wanting space.. he knows he broke me and felt really bad but is a type of guy who will take if offered a freebie...We had a phenomenal connection and born on same day but I felt like I just kept wanting to go home and recharge as it was way too much. He knew his life was way too chaotic too but we clicked so well. It's not worth it guys, listen to your gut, don't get caught up in the fantasy.. Susan you're amazing xx

[daleyparsons]

Thank you! Oooo hard truths! My new partner wants me to meet the kids, we’ve only known each other a week! Just like you say she’s maybe not for me but she is really nice.. I won’t be wrangled thanks to your advice and I’ll comfort her and let her know how I feel

[JustLN_Ellen]

Woow! that's what i needed. I thought it was only me!
My current boyfriend jumped into the relationship so fast i didn't even know we were a couple. just on the second date, as he told me later. we were on the phone and he said we are together and i was shocked like how and when did this happen, i was very interested in him then and didn't neglect anything, which i kinda regret. as the time passed, l was starting to lose interest, even tho he is perfect, i felt something was off. especially because after one week of dating he told me he loves me, which was very unrealistic for me . He was talking about future plans and about me meeting his parents in a month and so. I felt really bad, because i didn't feel the same way. We had an instant emotional connection, but nothing but that. now we are in the relationship for almost 2 months and i have more and more doubts, i became very indifferent, i don't miss him at all and feel like have no feelings, i just want to be friends, i don't want to loose him entirely. We had a conversation and he knows how i feel and he understands me. He even admitted he rushed things up, he said he was afraid i wouldn't want to see him after the second date so he gave it a try. For me it was too fast. We haven't even flirted with each other or went on a romantic date. Even tho i like being next to him, i feel bored, the spark is gone for me. like we have no common interests, and in addition he has a very low self-esteem and is total opposite of me. I feel like if we had more time from the start, i might have fallen for him or just stayed friends, but now it all just disappeared. I was hoping the feeling would come, but it didn't happen. I don't want to hurt him, i even tried to break up but i couldn't, cause i didn't want to loose contact with him, i care about him, however not enough for being with him.