Why You Keep Getting Manipulated (And How to Stop)

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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Introduction
01:43 - Why do human beings lie?
04:13 - Observe and adapt
05:31 - Engaging our emotions
08:46 - Counter-manipulation
16:18 - Cutting out the BS
17:59 - So who is this for?
19:20 - Honest VS Manipulative emotion

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[plixplop]

Dr K is great at shining a light on blind spots such as, "we teach kids not to lie, but not how to detect liars"

[DecisiveHard]

Stepping outside of the convo and detaching emotionally so you can be more analytical of a liar/manipulator is so important.

[AcousticJuice]

I had a short relationship with a girl who turned out to be a pathological liar. She was absolutely bizarre in her complete inability to tell the truth about almost anything and how casually she would lie about the most inane stuff. It took me a long time to trust people after I realised what she was, because I had never experienced anyone like that in my life. In situations where telling the truth wouldn't actually pose any problems for her she lied just because she...could?

[sterilizedmilk]

This is literally my mom. Gave up on trying to change her tho. Set boundaries and move on with your life. Society can keep calling me a bad person I value my mental health.

[HawkeyeVoid]

This makes so much sense, I get into a lot of debates online and I’m astonished how many people just say things to aggravate. Like no honest rebuttals, evidence, question dodging, but the constant is they try to control your emotions. Having truth makes no difference because that’s not what they’re after.

It also makes me think of struggle sessions, or “uncomfortable conversations” which are also designed to get you to accept radical ideology through purely emotional means. Saying whatever will get you to “confess your sin” and adopt their ideas.

[nbified]

I would love a more in depth video about how someone acts when being accused of lying but is actually being honest. Dr K touches the subject a little bit in the end of this video, but I want more. MOAH!

[slimjimmacho]

Philosophy has taught me so much about how to handle these people

[codaboi]

That whole thing about letting the liar get what they want a little bit but still holding up the boundry was something that actually happened with me unintentionally at one point.

I remember being suspicious of my partner (who i later found out did cheat on me) and i tried to explain to her that my lack of trust was probably from being cheated on in all my previous relationships. In the conversation, she couldn’t get her head around the idea that I had trust issues, it wasnt necessarily her fault, but I also wasn't going to take the blame or just stop being suspicious. By the end of it she was screaming, crying at me. She always knew that having a melt down made me want to console her because I hated seeing her upset. Once I realised that was her nuclear solution, she couldn't manipulate me anymore. Manipulators almost always use your empathy against you to get what they want. Once you empathise but dont give them what they want, their mask starts to crack.

[butwhytharum]

omg the observing... ive started watching for people getting pissed off when they try to influence my thought process... if they get irritated or angry i know im poking in the right places to call them out on bullshit. and it feels good when you actually know its backfiring on them.

[NymphaeaDreams]

Say you're in the woods and a wild animal acts threateningly to you. The correct course of action sometimes is to also match a threatening stance while backing away. That is the point of this tactic with a manipulator, they play games and the only way to compete is to play the same game. It is not morally wrong to play the game that someone else started.
Yes, it's better to cut that person out of your life and never be forced into those games again. But this is not always an easy fix as people can be in a relationship for months or even years with someone before they show their manipulative tactics. This is why it's important to learn how to handle these situations and how to back out while keeping as much as your own peace as possible.

[agr_xp]

I recently had a very terrible experience with a liar, who, what's more, used to be my good friend. I couldn't believe it when I confronted him about his lies and manipulations towards me for three whole weeks. As you mentioned at 18:34, there was no dialogue with him, he didn't confront what I was saying to him, he only focused on making me feel guilty. Like a broken record, he kept telling me not to get angry, and at the same time he was unable to explain the deceptions that were the reason for my anger. It was as if he was pretending not to hear, but what's worse, he heard everything and turned the tables instead of trying to communicate.

It was impossible to talk to him, to find understanding, although I tried for a very long time. And it was only because of an old acquaintance.

It's sad. I knew him, and today I don't know who he is, why he does it. He deceived me and he deceives himself.

[lellymapommscymbillnos]

Great video, but I think the term "liars" is inaccurate here:

People who emotionally manipulate in this way are not always lying - people do this *when they are afraid you won't believe them*, for whatever reason.

I grew up with undiagnosed autism and ADHD, and was also academically "gifted". When I tried to tell the adults in my life about my difficulties, they didn't believe me. I was constantly punished for falling short of expectations due to circumstances I had no control over (e.g. doing homework because I couldn't focus despite trying for hours).

My solution? Manipulating and guilt-tripping my parents and teachers to convince them not to punish me. I was telling the truth all along, but I still had to be manipulative in order to be believed.

Whenever I suspect that someone is manipulating me, I always stop to consider the possibility that they're going through the same kind of thing I did. It's not applicable to every situation, but I feel it's important nonetheless.

[SpanishHag]

I’m neurodivergent but my backstory has put me in a position to feel I’m wrong about everything I “know” in my life.
Thanks to my diagnosis and AI I can see finally the games being played at a subtle level.
Your channel, books like “Games people play” and similar are giving me my sanity back.

[prettypinkblunt]

I don’t usually watch a lot of psychology videos on youtube because a lot of them are made by people who aren’t actually qualified to talk about those topics but your videos have genuinely helped me feel not only seen, but also helped me understand the mentality behind certain behaviours among other things. Thank you 😭🙏🏻🙏🏻

[cg]

I needed this. Thank you. I'm tired of feeling nïeve and manipulated. I wanted to level up this skill for a while now.

[lamarr]

It's interesting watching a video of something that I've become really good at, and listen to a professional explanation of what's actually happening.
Sadly these skills cost a lot of self reflection and past pain if you discover them by yourself.

[Calloflunacy]

Super fascinating thinking about your explanation of what to do with liars and emotionally manipulative people, as over years I developed this defense mechanism on my own having to deal with a lot of them in the past. Started out as just getting apathetic towards the BS over years of being used and taken advantage of so I would just agree and accept the worst case scenario and move forward as if it wasn't true. Then noticing how when I stopped letting my emotions get controlled they suddenly acted very different, and they would panic or even admit they were lying if I took away the consequence for getting caught lying. It's been very useful in diffusing tense situations between friends where one person was being deceitful and figuring out why, as usually the liar has some underlying background situation going on that's also not being addressed. Never really thought about what I was doing laid out in a system like how you explained it though and it's really cool to see that.

[thejillykilly]

Your ability to articulate is truly your superpower! I love hearing these thoughts beautifully expressed. Could you create some videos to help us understand ourselves and our emotions? I struggle with self-awareness, but I’m very curious.

[smob]

How do you deal with being called out as a liar when you are telling the truth? I often get accused of lying for making inappropriate eye contact, not having proper emotional responses, my speech pattern changing or needing to take a pause. Showing people evidence or telling them about my medical conditions often make people even more suspicious of me. In the Adderall example, I wouldn't have even bothered trying to get a refill from you, in fear you would have thought I was trying to manipulate you into giving me them and cutting me off entirely.

[ahem]

a video on recovering from a relationship from a person like this would be helpful. i am paranoid of other people now, especially men. i used to love everybody so much, i want to find my way back to that.