I Came Out to My Family at 45 - Timm's Story

Timm suppressed his sexuality for years, got married and started a family. He finally came to terms with being gay at 45 years old and shares his story of navigating that with his family.

[awesomelife]

Church truly is the best training ground for learning how to hide one’s true self from a young age, and practicing living a lie into adulthood. The irony of a belief system that says, “The truth shall set you free, ” while teaching you in every possible way to be anything but truthful is mind-boggling.

[massagewerks]

Timm, I’m Fredd. Similar story. Opening the door coming out fully at 48 and getting divorced. 2 adult kids and 6 grandkids. The trauma is the internal battle between faith and sexuality. It’s still hard.

[ATLcentury]

I grew up Catholic too. But I also knew at a very young age there was something different about me as well. The first time I thought “why did I do that?” was on a vacation with my folks. It was just the 3 of us, never had siblings, I was 4 years old. It was a car trip to Atlantic City. At one point I was on the floor of the back seat. I was coloring and all of a sudden I picked up my GI Joe, took his tunic off, and started drawing chest hair on him with a brown crayon. When I was done, I thought “uh oh, what do i do now?”. I did my best hiding Joe most of the trip. When my folks were packing the car to go home, I took Joe to a trash can. I felt like a mobster dumping the body of his latest hit.

I was confused, but could never let my folks know. After a few years I began catechism classes after school. One afternoon the class were given envelopes with something for mom & dad. They were to fill it out and send it back next week. It was a quiz for parents and child to take. Parents asked different questions of their child, write them down and send back. It all seemed pretty harmless to me, that is until THE question was asked.
“When you grow up, what kind of family do you want?”. I thought “oh no”. I started being stubborn, avoiding the question. My mother asked me, “you must know what kid of family you’d like, where you’d like to live, how many children”. I answered that yes I knew, but I felt it might make her mad. “ Nothing could make me mad, there aren’t any wrong answers, it’s what you want”. No wrong answers huh? O.K.. “I want the kind of family like on the t.v. show “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”. “I want to live in an apartment with a balcony, 1 son, and a maid”. My mother’s eyes bugged out, she needed a cigarette. “That’s nice, but where’s your wife?”. I answered “Oh her?, She’s dead, just like the show”. My mother went pale. She scribbled something on the quiz and we never spoke about it again, that is until many years later, one night when my folks had come home from their yacht club, my mom was feeling no pain. She picked a fight with me and in less than 30 seconds screamed at me “JOHN! ARE YOU GAY?”. I was shocked, but had the courage to calmly say, “I’m sorry mom, but I find that I’m attracted to other men”. Didn’t go too well. My folks gave me 30 minutes to pack what I wanted, leave my house and car keys (the car they gave me as a birthday gift), and get OUT!!!!. 30 minutes later I was dragging my luggage to a pay phone to call the man I’d been dating to give him the bad news.

The rest of my story plays out like a movie, but ending is somewhat beautiful. After lots of drama, I met a handsome guy at Tiffany. He tapped my shoulder to say hello and introduce himself. That was almost 34 years ago. I don’t have an apartment or a maid, and zero children, but in the last 34 years we’ve had 4 Yorkies. I’m thankful every day. The last several years have been a challenge, but we still have each other. I love him more than I ever thought I could. All of you kids out there, stay true to yourself, YOU are your best friend. I wish the best for everyone.

[markfout]

Thank you for sharing this part of your journey, Timm
My story is very similar to yours…church, family, coming out in my 40’s.
Sadly, I haven’t found a life partner to share the emotional experiences with and to help each other heal and grow into the whole person I desire to be…

[BillBo-gs]

Loved this interview, Times story is very similar to mine. My only thing is that I'm 70 and grew up in a time that being gay could get you killed.
Don't laugh at the 70 yo, we seniors still love and desire. Timm, you will always be connected to your wife. After 30 years I am still best friends with my X.

[donaldleet]

Timm, Like most comments here our stories are so alike. Thank you putting into words the feelings I’ve had that I never understood. The time frame we lived in was very different as I was getting divorced the year you were getting married.
Thank you for my current tears.

[iamsuperfritz]

My father is gay and still hasn’t said those words to me at the age of 65. I am also gay and since he has this internalized homophobia it has affected me in my life as well. It’s always better to just be honest.

[darrylsanders]

OMG, I’ve stopped this video at the point when the daughter text “if you are, it’s ok”.. I had to stop because I literally broke out in tears .. which are rolling down my face as I type this.. I’m imagining how he felt reading her text..such a beautiful part of this story which I’m anxious to get back to❤❤❤😂

[kevinhartman]

Can I say that these are so comforting to listen to. To hear other people that struggled through things I've gone through. I am reconnecting with God again after years of just drifting away. I always question myself and being able to be gay and Christian. But listening to this really encourages me. Prayed as a high school kid to make me straight. Dated girls because I refused to let myself come out of the closet. I told myself I can not tell anyone and I must be with a woman. I struggled and hid it all through high school and college, until I met my now husband.

But thank you for doing this podcast. It's been putting ease on my mind. God bless you guys and everyone here who is so accepting.

[davidoran]

Different story here. I knew I was gay at 13 and came out a little at 18. Agonized over it for years and finally came out to everyone. The culture and religion do a number on all of us who differ from the norm. Be strong, be yourself and don't compromise. I am 70 now and happily married to my husband for 29 years. love to all.

[Devyn_Caldwell]

Great listen. Congratulations to Timm for getting to this point. It is never easy and coming out is not a one and done thing. I have been out since I was 16 (I'm 58 now) and I still have to deal with coming out with new people I meet on a regular basis. It gets easier for sure, but the internalized homophobia never completely goes away.
As to the haters who post on here, I am 100% comfortable with who I am before the eyes of God and my salvation is between me and God, not any one else.

[jabezcreed]

I'm so grateful for Timm and his story. I am not married, but everything he describes is 100 percent accurate. The weight on your head, the bubbling anxiety, the panic attack, the masking.

[src]

I remember telling my mom I was gay. I just knew in my heart she didn't know, she did bcuz I was obviously a homosexual 😂
I tell her and when she says she knew I was like, How?!
She said "Honey, you arent exactly the star quarterback dating a cheerleader" 😂

[TimothySmith]

First of all, Timm is handsome and adorable, second more people need to hear these stories, so thank you for doing these shows and last, from religion to self accepting queer is a HUGE struggle that takes many years to unfold! It did for me anyway.

[robertcarlson]

This is a great episode. Thanks, Timm for sharing what could easily be my story, except that I am 67, not a minister's son and I'm just coming out now. I told my wife and 4 grown kids a couple of months ago and I just shared this podcast with them and asked them to watch it because it could be me talking. I asked them to feel free to come to me with questions, concerns, fears, anger, etc. They have all been wonderful and I thank you for this great tool.Good luck as you continue on your journey.

[dmnemaine]

This is pretty much similar to my story. I grew up in a fundamentalist Baptist family, and also knew I was "different" at an early age. When I started figuring out that I was attracted to boys/men and not girls, I was scared. I convinced myself that I was going through a phase that all boys go through and that I just needed to "give it all to Jesus" to take care of. The problem was that Jesus wasn't taking "the gay" away from me. I am very shy and introverted, so it was easy for me to avoid dating girls. It was just chalked up to my shyness. Life went on like that for me until I was 32 years old. There just came a moment when it was either be honest with myself or bust. I literally fled 3000 from home in order to feel safe coming out. In retrospect, it was the best thing I've ever done.

[upsupeter]

This breaks my heart. For the love of god we as people put the timms through this we put them in a corner were they can’t escape and it just destroys them. I understand some people don’t understand it but why how does it affect them. Just because someone chooses to sleep with someone that WHAT they don’t approve of. I might like the choice of your partner but I not going to make your life miserable over it. Move on people let the timms of this world live there live as they want and not the way you think they should. I hate to think what he went through and I hope that he now can find a way to get on with his life. Doing what others expect of you is not the way forward and I hope for people that think it’s just a phase now realise how situations like this can destroy many others lives. ❤

[rahvp]

I’m so moved by your story Timm and relate to you on so many levels. My story has many many similarities to yours. I’m much older than you now and still feel like I’m a work in progress and always will be but I’m grateful for the progress I’ve made which has been hard won and taken a lot of work along with some therapy and mental wellness pursuits. I wish you continued success in your journey and please know there’s at least one person out there (me) who gets you, respects you, and wants the very best for you and your family. You are brave and full of integrity and your story will help many other people find their way in their own way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing.

[paulhilder]

Great conversation, telling my kids was the scariest day. My wife and I called a family meeting and did it together in person, me crying my eyes out but amazing to have the support of my then wife. All 3 were in there 20’s not living T home so missed all the signals but they were amazing and more concerned that we were all going to be OK and that they really supported both of us.
Even my granddaughter was like ok NP ❤.

[jeffwatkins]

What a tough journey, Timm. Yet you're dealing with it so honestly. Bravo! I came out to my mother and sister in my mid-teens. My sister asked if I was attracted to her boyfriend. But my mother's comment was very interesting. She was afraid I've have a difficult time and I asked why. "Oh, it's tough enough for a man and a woman to get along. But two men who both want everything their way...?" I never told my father. I feared he'd just take it out on my mother. However, I brought my partner to visit who turned into my father's best friend, the son I never was to him.