The Real Reason Men Don't Ask for Help

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In today's video, we explore why men struggle to ask for help and share some methods on how to seek support effectively.

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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Introduction
02:44 - Help seeking
05:14 - Healthy help seeking
08:36 - Why is asking for help difficult?
11:31 - What do you do if someone asks for help?
13:20 - Limited disclosure
14:49 - Asking for help as a last resort
21:48 - Conclusion

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Healthy Gamer is an online community and resource platform for gamers and their families. It does not provide medical services or professional counselling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care. Our coaches are peer supporters, not professionally trained experts, and they cannot provide medical service. If you or a loved one are experiencing an emergency, please call your nation's emergency telephone number.

All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.
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"Yeah man, kinda going through a rough time...feeling lonely and aimless"

"You'll get through it."

stevensmith
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Middle aged adult here. Got a problem? You basically just get some form of “that sucks to hear”. Then you’re left to fend for yourself.

Hlecktro
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Some of the best advice I have gotten was from a close friend a few years ago. I was in a very low spot in life and people could tell. At the time I was very resistant to allowing anyone into my problems, but at the same time i found so much happiness/feeling of accomplishment when I helped others. She caught me in a moment when I showed happiness for being able to help on the project we were working on. She told me “everyone can see how happy you are when you help others, but when you don’t allow others to help you, you rob them from that same happiness”. Massive light bulb moment for me.

Vishfeast
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If you've ever asked for help when you were just barely holding on and your were laughed at or ignored it probably broke you and forever changed you afterwards. Men should ask for help more, but we also need a society where it's the culture to help men and be available to them. We're heavily aimed at women, children, and men who are so well off they don't even need the additional help to live a good life.

CloudTribe
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I got over asking for help a long time ago; but family wasn't supportive, friends can only listen/do so much before you feel like a burden and the 2 therapists I had weren't very helpful and didn't even bother to follow up.
I think for a lot of us asking for help isn't a problem, the problem is nobody cares. Not even the people who are paid to care.

aroyals
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I have adhd & autism and I’ve learned not to ask questions. Most neurotypicals would think I’m stupid or r*tarded because I don’t think like them and ask “dumb” questions that everyone else already knows the answer to. It’s hard to ask when you’re treated like an idiot from a young age…

mitthrawnuruodo
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As a software developer, I always tell my colleagues to ask for help as soon as possible. It's better to ask someone else to provide the answer and solve the problem in five minutes than keep it to yourself and spend five days struggling alone.

BogosortLife
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I've been homeless going on 8 months. I asked for help and I was told nobody cares.

tea-we
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Getting help is, in my experience, usually both worse, and more work than just going through the struggle, or doing the work, by myself, alone.

MadMaxx
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I have had to endure abuse for asking. Anywhere from Being belittled for even asking, and being treated as im in the way, or being flat ignored have all happened.

MrDamon
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The main problem I feel that has been driven into the minds of men for forever, and now more recently into women, is that we are considered failures if we aren't fully independent by adulthood, which is absolutely stupid because we as humans are social creatures, not solitary creatures. We need dependence on others for a myriad of aspects, be it for emotional support, or stimulating conversations, economically, taking care of our offspring, social life, etc., and fulfillment in these aspects don't necessarily have to come just from a romantic/life partner, or immediate family. It can also be fulfilled from friends, or even just coworkers, or acquaintances with common hobbies, etc. Loneliness is something that we were never meant to be in. And it sucks that this lone-wolf mentality has been pushed so hard on everybody, especially young men.

Marksman
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I'm a woman and that is exactly how I was raised... That's why when I tried therapy I just couldn't talk during sessions. I learned to just live with all the trauma.

olgagerman
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Womens problem: The world is constantly telling me what I should do. It's exhausting.

Men's problem: No one gives a shit about what I do. It's lonely.

codycrawford
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People don’t care. That’s one of the biggest reasons why.

ItsAvrageGamer
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I recommend gym guys to ask for a spot. It's such good practice, especially if you ask them to help unrack the bar or tell them how many reps you're going for. Notice how most people have no problem giving a couple seconds of their day to help a complete stranger. Also, ask where the trash can is in a house you've never been in before instead of looking for it endlessly.

aquaticstripper
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Not seeking help *including self help) has stunted me. Didn't really want to accept being "weak" but only ended up not growing to my potential.

frishter
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I knew I needed therapy for a long time but did not want to tell anyone. What I did was, during an unrelated appointment, tell my doctor I thought I had adhd (which I actually did) and asked him to get me an appointment to be tested. Then I got tested and officially diagnosed and that doctor recommended me medication (which I expected) and told her that was not the solution I was looking for. She recommended I try therapy in lieu of medication as that's the only other form of help I could get medically, and I agreed. She got me a recommendation and an appointment, and two weeks later I was seeing a therapist. By the second appointment, I shifted the topic of our conversations from adhd to my mental health struggles. Now I'm getting the help I need, and not a soul knows except the person I wanted to know. That's the lengths a man will go through to avoid asking for help.

ianimations
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Breaking the stigma around men asking for help is so important. Thanks for shedding light on this issue and providing practical steps!

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As a man 3 months out of work, threatened with homelessness, having an inordinately hard time polishing my CV, and word for word told my GP that I don't know how to ask for help last week, hello.

Surprise, even me saying this to the GP resulted in immediate and useful help. It was not a shameful experience and it feels quite nice.

I had it calendered in tomorrow to do the CV alone, and finish it, or else I suppose I am a shameful trashman who can't sell himself in a few paragraphs. Thank you for the reminder, I'll make some calls to recruiters or honestly anyone tomorrow instead. Man needs help.

joshhunter
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Society and culture have taught me that I can't expose my quavering vulnerability to a harsh and uncaring world.

stifledvoice