Podcast 359: Toxic Positivity: What it sounds like, why it's toxic, and what to say instead

EPISODE DESCRIPTION: In this podcast I talk to therapist and author Whitney Goodman about her new book on toxic positivity, why good intentions are sometimes not good enough, and more! As Whitney notes in her new book, toxic positivity tends to shut down conversations, and often stops people from truly connecting—especially when it comes to the hard “stuff” we all face as we lives our lives. Even if someone is just trying to be nice by saying things like “everything happens for a reason” or “remember, the glass is half full”, the person sharing their pain and struggles can feel silenced by these seemingly innocuous platitudes. It can make the person struggling feel like their distress is making the other person uncomfortable or scared, which often feels like rejection.

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*DISCLAIMER: This podcast and blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. We always encourage each person to make the decision that seems best for their situation with the guidance of a medical professional.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS:
3:55 How toxic positivity can affect our relationships
4:30 Why good intentions are often not enough
6:00, 11:40 Why positive affirmations aren’t a “cure-all”
8:00, 20:00 Why we shouldn’t suppress uncomfortable emotions
14:30 Why the concept of toxic positivity has gone “viral”
16:20 How shame can affect our mental health
17:50 The dark side of self-improvement & self-help
24:00 How toxic positivity can show up in our communities
29:30 How to complain better
33:00 Why we can’t fix other people
35:20 Toxic positivity & feeling in control
38:00 Toxic positivity & motivational conferences

[lowcountrygirl]

Brilliant topic. This is such a much -needed topic of conversation, especially among Believers. Learning to actually experience pain and grieving was essential to my healing and deliverance.
Thank you so much Dr. Leaf ; also for your wonderful guest.
Blessings!

[kevinmasterson]

I have finally learned that if someone is trying to talk me out of my experience, it’s probably best not to share deeply with them.

[joy_r]

It feels so good to know that I am not the only one who doesn't find positive affirmations useful. It's so great to see Whitney here. I love the content she shares online.

[arelymartinez]

I really agree with you guys. Sometimes I just want to vent but then people try to give their opinion on solutions instead of listening. Toxic positivity is real and makes people feel invalidated.

[plutoplatters]

By being toxically positive one is ignoring at least 30-40% of what happens in life. I call it denial.

[GrettaHG]

In CBT there is the idea of cognitive distortions which are inherent in negative thoughts. Positive thoughts can contain these same distortions. I agree that this aspect is often overlooked. And it is toxic. Great conversation.

[melissabartnicki]

Wow, this is so refreshing to hear- even for an "Idealist" personality type like myself. Thank you!

[nataliablair]

Wow Finally, someone is addressing the gap between what you say and what you believe. People who are intuned to their sincerity and honesty will have trouble with positive affirmations.

[Purity]

We would all do well just to "rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." (Rom 12:15)

[Lonewolfalchemist]

Some of this seems like common sense stuff but to actually put it down to a science and a study, you’ll realize its not as obvious as you think.. we never put these things into consideration or actually implement them.. this is legit behind the scenes stuff👏🏽💯

[MrKillswitch]

As someone who likes to keep tabs on what is going on with both the churches as well the new age the problem has gotten drastically worse over the past two years so much so that it is causing some very real harm as well driving normal people out of both. The whole love and light toxic positivity is just vomit inducing at times but as always the worst of it is victim blaming along with all the usual invalidation that comes with it all. As the next few years play out it will become very clear that such had set people up to fail as they have to come to terms with reality never mind face their own thoughts and emotions they've been repressing for so long.

[olyalytvynenko]

Hi, can you do a podcast how to be happy? What is normal to feel, we understand what is not normal, toxic, negative feelings, but what is normal on the other side of the tunnel, how should we feel at the end of healing process? What is it how we should feel after removing negative stuff? My parents are narcissistic, my mum is more sadist, my dad is more mosahist. She loves put you down constantly, he loves to imagine if or maybe possibilities of life which are painful, and this is their Norma behaviour. I suffered all my life, but then I moved from Ukraine to Australia, and cleaned myself from that people and that negative feelings. So I think logically, realistically, more positive. But I feel I need guidence for happy life, what is it, how to feel, what is normal, I don’t have clue. All psychologists including you are talking about negative stuff, we get it it feels bad. But no information what is good about positive side how to feel, what is normal?

[sowmyakarthikeyan]

There are two types of people who are difficult to handle..toxic positivity and toxic negativity....always complaining even for so small problems but someone will be facing so much bad situations than themselves but they dont even understand that.

[jessejules]

Toxic positivity is wxperienced as dismissiveness.

[charleymacdowell]

Thank you so much for sharing this!
I didn’t want to listen originally, but knew I needed to.. because I’ve been ACCUSED of toxic positivity.

The thing is, though, everything you’re saying is FAIR and reasonable, and I definitely don’t advocate for anything you’ve condemned.
But people mistake me for “toxic” simply because the things you bring up issues with are things that I’ve integrated into my life in a way that doesn’t control me, but in a way that I enjoy, and those things work well WITH what I do and how I live my life.. But I definitely take time to process my emotions in a more healthy way now, thanks to you, Dr. Leaf, and some others!
So, It’s a RELIEF to hear that you’re not just saying “affirmations are useless” and “because someone enjoys different avenues of self-improvement, they must be addicted to it.” A balance to everything.

Thank you both for coming together and communicating this issue in an intelligent and thoughtful way. 💕

[vitalrestandrecoveryclinic]

Love this. Live in SoCal and im SO OVER the manifesting movement!!!

[lindaframpton]

Fabulous balanced and encouraging podcast thank you.

[sarahd]

Fun interview, very interesting.
How do you deal with someone who complains & blames about the same things over & over for years? Validating & empathizing hasn’t changed anything, neither does suggesting they get help, nor does it help to finally point out the victimy & blaming & their part in it. How do you get them to stop complaining to you?

[agnesgoretskiy]

This is so helpful! Thank you for this great podcast.

[hippiexyzzz]

I loved the insights n refreshing perspective. Great podcast Dr