Childhood Neglect and the Attraction to People Who Don't Care About You

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Extreme neglect in childhood – where adults literally don’t care for you appropriately, can lead to a kind of emotional “leakiness” where -- even though you’ve created a good life and set goals as an adult, -- you feel disconnected from people when when they are close to you. For people with CPTSD, that memory of NOT being cared for can creep into every situation – you feel it with people you date, with friends, you feel it at work or school, and if it’s not healed, it will cause you to get into and STAY in relationships where, in fact, you’re NOT cared for. In this video, I respond to a letter from a man who is repeating the pattern of his childhood and is ready to change.

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I am not a therapist or physician. My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in-person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client physician or quasi-physician relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.

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[DMKarinZeeland]

Needed to hear this and it helped immensely to process a situation that came up recently without getting in a cycle of dysregulation and destructive behaviour. After following this channel for about a year listening to one of your video's became a great tool to regulate as well.

[MartineMaria]

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams
What has helped me is to determine what each friend is: a giver or a taker. With most people you know right away. Avoid takers in your life.

[desareadoodles]

I’m in the same boat, where I don’t feel people care or ask about me. Where I think they want me to be agreeable instead of a whole person. When dating now, I keep finding people who do not hold space for me. It’s annoying, and I’m learning not to dismiss those feelings

[SwimSweetie]

It is so difficult to move past abandonment issues. They creep back up years after you think they’ve been resolved

[MABowers]

I have gotten to a place where if someone does care it’s a bonus in my life. I’ve had to learn to care for myself. Then I learned I’m the only one who CAN care for me the way I need. And I’ve been doing it so long that the thought of letting someone care for me distresses me.

[sueg]

Feelings of “no one cares” is very real and I am 73 now. And in lots of cases it’s true.
When I’m at my lowest my it haunts me eventhough I have two family members who care. Perhaps out of obligation or whatever is their reason.
And believe me, many many seniors feel abandoned because they really are. Or they do not want to be a burden.
So yes, early traumas that have been worked thru previously can return and haunting when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable since childhood.
May the Force Be With You All.

[nycjanedoe]

I'm definitely not attracted to people who do not care about me anymore. My boundaries are strong. It is largely why I presently have no people: In the last several years I have let those with whom relationships were one-sided go, and surprise! No one is left. I know there are people in the world who will care, and will show up, I'm just not sure how to meet them. Each time I have met someone with whom I've felt there could be friendship, ultimately there have been stumblings and little hurts needing repair or more information, but that's when others stop showing up or they think it can be sorted via text, where tone and texture are often lost, and things actually worsen as a result.

I want to do relationship with folks who check _in_ to meet difficulty, not out, and it has been so, so hard to co-create.

[mintyhippo]

I think it is really hard to outgrow friends. For me, it’s not only not wanting to be alone (but realizing that I feel alone with them anyway), it’s also that I’m still learning how to accept, feel, and process my feelings. And, by extension, the sadness I feel at the loss of friendship. You have to grieve when your body needs it. Grieving feels hard and scary alone and I end up avoiding it.
I’m slowly but surely picking away at it as I get stronger, and the thoughts and feelings of “they weren’t the right people for me” get louder.

[Julietttapril]

This is the first time I have heard someone share the same experience about having a breakdown in the first year of college. My breakdown was so severe, I had to quit college and it lasted for many years. (Depression and severe panic attacks) I am so grateful to be on the other side of all of the pain, though a lifetime of acute trauma has taken a toll. One day at a time there is freedom!

[radiojet]

Another great video - thanks Anna. It has been said that " you will stop worrying what other people think about you when you realize they seldom do". The Stoics got it right - very few people really DO care about you. But that's not a a reason to worry nor fret. Rather, accept this fact about the shallowness within most human interactions. And think: how many very famous people have died in your lifetime who nobody talks about any more. Out-of-sight = out-of-mind. Concentrate rather on, as Voltaire put it: "tending your own garden". In other words, socializing is overrated. Choose carefully with whom you spend your precious time with.

[dammar]

I suffer from this very profoundly, but i can't pinpoint any neglect from my parents. Things became chaotic during my adolescence, but my childhood was peaceful. Yet, i was disconnected from others since very early on. We weren't socially integrated, though, as my parents were foreigners in the country I was raised in.

[celine]

Once after a surgery, a friend told me don't think people don't care. But I was hoping they would visit me, it should be normal things but some took their time. It's also important to be near people who are available, especially when you have a difficult moment. Ultimately people say they are too busy. But it's a question of priority. Now I try not to expect too much and think that people will be there if they want to be.

[biondna]

Thank you for this. I see more clearly how my parents worked hard to normalize their neglect of my brother and I. I just found a new counselor to replace the one who retired, and this one's well-versed in romantic limerence, my biggest challenge right now. The on-and-off-again attention is just what I grew up with. I healed a lot with my late beloved 2nd husband, but I still have this bread-crumb hunting reflex. It's the dopamine fix from withheld attention suddenly being piled on. Crazy-making.

[HappyCat]

James I’m so sorry this happened to you. I was ignored and unwanted by my own family, so I get how hard it can be. You can get through this. Give yourself credit for reaching out. Deep down, you know you have enough worth to seek healing. And you can heal! I wish you the best in your healing journey and I know you can succeed.

[gabbypage]

I have friends whom I reunited with from 40 years ago and I know they care. We are family now. I was the family scape goat and was abandoned by them. Much happier now.

[jayshrutisingh]

I started my new job and the trauma came flooding in i use to work in the morning cry every night had so much anxiety till i quit and worked in my healing i am 24 .
Your trauma will catch you in the worst possible times

[CenterCommunity]

Sometimes I feel like the person who doesn’t care about me, actually needs the care the most.

[davidpruiksma]

Once again. I can really relate. I’m 67 and it’s still causing pain and grief. At this point, I’ve tried so much. I just don’t think it can be fixed. I am happier now accepting my fate.

[GenRN]

James, you are definitely not alone. You can finish school. Stay focused. You will make new friends in the next chapter of your life. Keep healing. I have the same wounds. Work on yourself, especially when seeking a significant other. Look to have some fun and find people that reciprocate. Hang in there. Sending love and hugs.

[marisa]

Yes, indeed. This struggle is very relatable. The sensation others really don't care is such a hurtful one. In addition comes the lack of trust that when others actually do reach out, they really mean it and will stick around. Healing takes time but getting there. Hoping the best for James and others here, too.