The Signs and Stages of a Coercive Relationship

Coercive control is a series of behaviours aimed to dominate through manipulating, threatening, abusing and bullying someone into submission. Among other things it can involve emotional, psychological, sometimes even physical abuse.
Some of the common recurring themes in coercive relationships involve gaslighting, intimidation, violence, with holding attention or resources, and emotional blackmail.
This video outlines the stages of a coercive, abusive relationship from the beginning, usually known as the honeymoon period, to how the victim adapts to the abuse. What happens when the victim realises it is coercive control and what happens when they either leave or attempt to leave, and the aftermath.

Other videos you might find interesting:
How covert narcissists manipulate
How narcissists make their victims look like villains
How Narcissists Bully Others
What happens when you ignore a narcissist?

This video is for information purposes only

Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos in the comment section.

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#coercivecontrol #domesticabuseawareness #abusiverelationship

[leeannsellman]

I spent 20 years of this cycle over and over. Our children were his tool to manipulate me. It’s not something someone can understand unless they live it. It’s always therapeutic to have someone understand what I’ve lived.

[fionascott-rf]

This is my daughter in law of 15years. She picked off, one by one, every person around my son. He was a shell of a man when he finally broke free of her. Fortunately she underestimated the "staying power" of his family and we were there to help him rebuild his life. She never wanted children but when he first showed signs of ending the marriage she had our grandson. My son is utterly devoted to the little one and remained in the marriage. Her abuse of him was not even hidden after the baby was born. He was a nervous wreck around her. He barely spoke whenever in our company. It was pitiful to watch. He has been away from her for two years but unfortunately will still have to have dealings with her because of the child. He is happy, successful in his career and unrecognisable from the man she controlled. For all the family of victims. You may think your loved one is lost to you. Hang in there. Be there for your son/daughter/sibling when they finally/ hopefully break free from these toxic people.

[Lucy-jzsg]

Never tell a narcissist you’re leaving until you’re in a safe place.
They have nothing to lose & may become violent if they are aware of your intentions to leave.
It’s worth talking to a DV charity to get advice.

[San]

I heard something the other day that stuck with me. Anyone who is committed to diminishing another person is being abusive

[panfried]

"to compromise just to avoid the punishment" - sadly, it does eventually lead to this... until one learns that this is abuse, the total opposite of love, which has absolutely NO PLACE in a healthy relationship.
thanks, darren.

[helen]

My ex partner used to use sulking as a control tactic. He worked away all week and knew that the weekend together was important to me. If I said or did something HE considered to be unacceptable, he would take to bed for the whole weekend. Then get up Monday morning and go off to work for the week without a word.

[steviecrow]

Looking back, I know exactly when the “manipulative shift” happened, before I knew the term. It was the minute I realized Mr Nice Guy was no longer on the premises. Someone dark had taken his place.

[brega]

Leaving and no contact is the best way to get away from such idiots. It can be extremely hard ! Often the idiot gets what he/she wants by being like a temper tantrum constantly demanding toddler. They drive you bonkers.

[le_th_]

I think there is a potential step missing: PTSD and the long recovery process, and the abuser need not have ever laid a finger on you, either.

[ilektrakaratasiou]

Physical abuse is the blood pressure rising, the anxiety levels increasing, the stress symptoms on the body and so much more like missed health appointments, neglecting physical needs and not caring for ones health...Lets be open minded and not limit physical abuse to having to touch someone.

[Grrrrrrr]

This is spot on. Until I started counselling for another reason and removed myself from the marital bedroom I couldn’t think straight. Suddenly everything became clear and I have now exited the relationship after thirty plus years 🙏

[forensicfaithinprofiling]

You just described my now ex husband and my marriage to him a "T".
Even 4 years now into solid daily recovery, it is still so difficult to put into words exactly what coercive control and abuse is. Thank you Dr Darren. I was raised like that and married right into identical dynamics. It's almost like deprogramming yourself from a cult. I have an enormous recovery team surrounding me because I survived 52 years of non-stop coercive abuse. I'm here to tell any survivor, that you too, can get through this, and become your own individuated self. That you can learn that life is filled with beautiful experiences, and healthy people. And I believe in you all. You deserve better, you have always deserved better.

[juliepoppy]

I had to converse with the person this week due to info about my mum's health, and it only took 2 mins for the person to do so many things that are now big red flags. They said to me " well even though you are such a hard person to have in my life I will concede to ring you fortnightly now you have rung me. "
I thought to myself " Hell no! "
I may check again in another 12 mths.
Only a slight wobble experienced. Gosh I have grown. Thank you.

[billyliar]

This video is so true. The Honeymoon phase, then a gradual escalation of tension ...the whole thing about trading with generosity and calling in favours, gas-lighting etc. Absolutely spot-on. My ex-wife to a tee - she was incredibly subtle but this was actually more damaging. She would introduce undermining comparisons into a conversation such as ''Audrey only works 2 days a week, her partner Chris has a good job though''. Then triggered I would say something like ''Oh yeah but you are part-time too and Audrey is self-employed so we don't know the circumstances'' (my ex-wife only worked 3 days a week) She would then accuse me of being attracted to Audrey and talking about her all the time, when it was her who bought up the topic. Priceless. I could literally feel the stress melt away when I had made the decision to quit, told her so and got on with my life. Living in a toxic relationship isn't worth it, no matter how many strings bind you together.

[dianeetchells]

I have been through 32 year's of marriage with a covert narcissist. I was isolated. He took over of my money. I am currently in my own home and trying to serve divorce papers which he is avoiding. Trying to own me . Yes you are describing my life. Now I am absolutely crippled emotionally, he coopted overt narcissist to trash me at tennis. I wish to God I knew what I was up against before I said I wanted a divorce. My God it never ends and MY daughter witnessed my behaviour and thought I was the bad person.

[darlene-MamaD]

I tend to not discuss on personal toxic situations that I've experienced...I try to discuss on how I've healed over the complex trauma that I've experienced in my 52 yrs. Yet, these last few years... I've chosen to share...mainly due to your channel and a few others on YouTube. I left a 11 yr relationship that was on this level, in 2002. I dealt with the majority of these tactics. It definitely started small. I remained in this toxicity due to fear of how my Daughter ( he in this scenario isn't the bio Father) would blame me for taking him away, if I left...the last straw was when he told me, ' I don't care if you're not happy, I don't want to lose you' Oddly enough, after I left he did all he could do to ; buy my daughter extravagant gifts/smear campaign me/brainwash her into being angry at me, etc. I left with my clothes and my daughter's belongings and started completely over...with very little job exp due to being a stay at home Ma for 6 of those yrs. Life seemed scarry at first...with years of pro help, on codependency, fear of abandonment issues, I was thrilled to realize not everyone will treat me in such a manner...that I deserved respect, equal reciprocity in an intimate relationship.
Thank you,
for sharing this video to educate people !

[MasterMalrubius]

The idea of distance from the abuse being the first step to recovery is 100 percent correct. I gave several chances to someone because we lived close and it was difficult to avoid/ignore her without seeming like I was the jerk. I finally decided I couldn't deal with her and did just that without caring of how it came across. It was like coming out of a drunken stupor. I began to see how I had been screwing up by continuing to deal with this person. There is a quote; "All road lead to Rome." Well, all roads with a toxic person leads back to abuse. You cannot interact with them without going back into the abuse. The only way to deal with them is by having third-party involved or heavy documentation to keep them back.

[derek]

You have mentioned in this series of videos the best way to deal with people like this in your life is to manage boundaries with those trying to control you I've learnt this for myself it's the best anyone can do

[robertjerge]

3:19 not to use certain words: i returned to US Naval service in 2000 and learned that women now served aboard combat ships (no worries there). Whenever i would talk to my wife about my work aboard the ship (unclassified info) she would get mad whenever i used female pronouns and/or names. i changed that to using either gender-neutral or last names only such as "the guys", Petty Officer, Seaman, Johnson, Smith.

[nathanvogt]

The abused person often tries to get others to submit to the abusers behavior. Trying to save themselves fallout after friends and family members disagree question the abuser.