BENIGN Narcissists: Everything you need to know (Part 2/2)

ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"

JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM

JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK

GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS

SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST

LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"

DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[pratiksridhar]

The "benignness" fades away to reveal more devious narcissistic traits like manipulation, gaslighting, playing the victim etc when they dont get what they want. You're fine as long as you have no expectations of them, start voicing your needs and see how quickly their "benign" act wears off.

[Liitebulb]

When people say "it's easy to make friends in your 20s" these are the friends they're referring to.

[juliemurphy]

Definitely the type of friend that only has you around when it's convenient for them.

[posieglom]

One of the dangers with these people, if you are too close to them as either a friend or a romantic interest, is that you become the "sidekick, " and your relationship makes you feel like they are the star of your own life story and you are a supporting player. I have let this happen to me with close friends, and had to snap out of it. I was so much happier when I realized I should be the star of my own movie.

[kathleengrant]

This is totally my husband (ex). It was like I had an extra child. He's so irresponsible, the life of the party, everyone likes him, but at home he was lazy. In 27 years I had to remind him to take out the trash everyday. He knew that if he pretended to forget something, I would do it. Finally when the kids were grown and he no longer had playmates he totally ignored me. Spent all his free time playing video games or on Facebook. I raised 5 kids and him. He's the only one who never grew up. Early this year her finally admitted that he'd been pretending to be stupid so I'd do everything, that he'd taken advantage of me all these years... and he said it with a smirk on his face like it was funny. He was so proud himself. I'll never forget that smirk as long as I live. I left him as soon as I could. I was already living alone with him right in the same room anyway. I figured if I was going to live alone I might as well do it without a slob to pick up after. Now he still tries to hoover me and love bomb me, but I just see that smirk and I'm not even tempted.

[NS-uqst]

Before this series I used to think these people are "normal " And I am the " too emotional" And " too sensitive " Kinda person.
Thank you Dr. Ramani.
BTW today you are glowing and looking very pretty. 🌺🤗🙏

[NotTheVibe]

hi doctor. i am a narcissist with a lowercase n… that’s what my therapist told me. i watch your videos to become more self aware of my own behavior and not hurt my significant other or family. i want to be a good person. i am still self centered i admit, but i think of others a lot more than i used to. your channel has helped me a lot

[debralbungermd]

I had a "best friend" whom I went on vacation to Cancun with every Spring for 20 years. One year, she did not return my call for 3 months to plan our trip, so we didn't go. A month later I got a postcard from her from her vacation in Spain. Apparently she had gotten a better offer and could not be bothered to tell me. We had a little bit of an argument about that but all she would say was "We are still best friends and there's nothing you can do about it!" I dropped it. I called her a couple of times the following winter to plan our trip but did not get a call back so I gave up. And yet I STILL remained "best friends" with her. We continued to talk once a month or so. A few years later she said, "I wonder why we ever stopped going on our annual trip to Cancun?" She truly did not remember. When I reminded her of the above, including that she ignored my calls the following year, she accused me of making the whole thing up.

That is one of many stories with her. She was fun to do things with, but I should never have elevated her to "best friend." I think now that she told many friends whom she let down or ignored that they were her "best friend." I ended the relationship 3 years ago by text. The text was several paragraphs long, reminding her of the above and several other things she had done to me. I told her that I cared about her, but I could not longer be loyal to someone who apparently only thought of me as an interesting option. She finally responded to the text 18 MONTHS later. Her reply, in its entirety: "I do miss you sometimes." Right. Thanks. I ignored it.

[Maria-wsmi]

Benign narcissist, is not as benign, when you are a child of one. My mother could be fun, at times, but she made a mother out of me at a very young age. I, not only had to mother my younger siblings, but the most damaging, I become half mother, half friend, depending what she needed at the moment, to her; she often shared gossip and thoughts about others, that should never have been shared with a child, like telling me at the age of nine that she thought my father was cheating on her. (which was completely untrue, but how does a child process that?) This really made me feel insecure and unprotected. As you mentioned, Dr. Ramani, my net became very large and I ended up marrying a narcissist, but I never really seemed to notice, until we had children and then all the childhood memories came flooding back, as I realized how he was so much like my mother. Thank you for your talks, they really have helped answering so many questions and explained many of my underlying frustrations.

[neptunesdreams]

I used to call my father a "charming narcissist". Everyone loved him because he was fun. Including us children. But when we were adolescents, and stopped adoring him, he was off with his girlfriends and buddies. Please, Dr. Ramani, reconsider the term "benign", because it implies that they do no damage. My father drove my mother into serious mental health issues, and no one believes that he was the cause because he was so charming. Thank you for your videos. They are a life-line for those of us who had to live with these charming monsters.

[barrycrowder]

And when you are married to one, you will realize that the talk of being "soul mates" that happened during the love-bombing stage somehow faded into a chronically unmet expectation. And if you have kids, then good luck trying to establish limits, and get used to being constantly frustrated. In fact, frustration will be come like a mantra.

[rubymaubert]

You truly are a world treasure. Thank you

[Misses-Hippy]

This was my mother - proudly superficial, daughter of the silent one, granddaughter of the ice queen. I am so completely opposite and they failed me completely. Fact is, I was being abused and sensing their untouchability, I did not ask for help and "fell on my sword" for my mother's sake, as she seemed overwhelmed already. II thought I loved my grandmother, but now, I can only summon up pity, because she was unreachable, utterly superficial. I did not want to disturb her selfish world with my abuse problems. Thanks for letting me twist in the storm alone.
It is hard to miss people who were never really there.

[nelumbonucifera]

These are the overindulged ones who are used to being the centre of everyone’s universe and grow up to be insensitive and are constantly seeking attention to maintain that privileged position.

[notagain]

One troubling personality trait I've seen in several people, is that they believe you are trying to control them if they go along with your ideas on just about anything. They will be constantly pushing back at you, frustrating you seemingly on purpose, but usually it's their fear of feeling like the controlled one. Even if you are mostly accommodating to them, it will make them uncomfortable to do the same for you.

[rocktheboatpaul]

I married a benign narcissist in 2015 and did not know what this was. I knew what a full blown narcissist was but not benign. She fits every single category you checked off here. Egocentric, selfish, immature, and at age 45 all she wanted to do was party. No depth. No intimacy. Finally because of the Covid-19 I was able to get the strength to leave her. She basically forced me out because she wasn't quarantining. She was going out to party and I was not going to risk her getting sick and bringing it back to me. I have happily filed for divorce. Thank you for this great video!! This makes so much more sense now. She was a spoiled girl since high school. Got that brand new car the day she turned 16 with her name on the license plate. I discovered that without trust and intimacy, and without any knowledge of her inner world, that this was not going to be someone I could connect with.

[cianap.]

I've been "friends" with some people like this, and it's true that they can add positively to your life if you accept that they have their limits. If you engage with them, the #1 rule I've found is to NEVER depend on them for anything. Don't count on them to be your ride home. Make sure you have something to eat even if they promise you dinner. Never agree to split costs with them when you're unable to pay the full cost yourself (because you may have to unexpectedly). Never plan a trip with them without backup plans and refundable tickets. Never wait to hear back from them before making your plans. Never ask them to pet sit. Never depend on them as a client (you know the situation, they say they'll hire you for a project, while in the meantime treating you as a friend and you're spending more time than you'd like because they're a client, but then the project or gig never materializes and you realize they just wanted someone to be extra agreeable to go bar hopping with). Never ever go into business with them. Still, once I protected myself from let-downs, they were fun and interesting, a much-needed foil to my overly cautious self.

[Kelzy]

When I first met my psychologist he very quickly told me he thought my mother was narcissistic, and this is definitely my mother. I'm flooded with memories and examples. The one that stands out the most was when I was diagnosed with IBD. I was sick for 18 months, and I finally had a G.I. appointment which I knew about 1 month beforehand, but the day before I went to see the GI my mother flew 2 states away for a 2 week holiday in the sun - in Spring. I spent the week mostly alone in hospital. My father briefly visited twice and his gf rang my mother to abuse her for not being there for me. Related facts: Fathers gf also called ibd a personality disorder and convinced my father it was all in my head. I grew up surrounded by them. 🤦‍♀️

[mariogoldenuniverse]

Not sure "benign" is a precise term to describe this manifestation of narcissism. Perhaps "mild, " "normalized, " or "socially accepted" narcissism would be more accurate.

[freespirit]

After I have recovered from being with a malignant Narcissist. I ran into a benign one and I had an allergic reaction. All Narcissists make me sick today. I cannot stand to be around them anymore.