Stop Defending Yourself To The Narcissist!

One of the greatest wastes of psychic energy is defending yourself to a narcissist. Dr. Les Carter reminds you that narcissists are the very embodiment of defensiveness. It's what they are; it's what they do. So when you respond to them with your defensiveness, you have stepped into their swamp. As you commit to your good character, you can sidestep the defensive game altogether.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted more than 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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Join Dr. Carter on our Facebook page, Surviving Narcissism, for a time of live questions and answers each Thursday at 11:30 Central Time, U.S.

[guillermomonroy]

"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast
ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them
under their feet, and turn again and rend you. "

[lydias.coaching]

"I was wrong" simply does not exist in the narcissist's dictionary. Don't waste your time.

[dailyequanimity]

“Stop defending yourself to a deeply dysfunctional person.” Yes! I’m on Team Healthy and a person of good character. Thank you, Dr. C.

[michellewall]

No theatre without an just walk away, .... no more humiliation, control or drama! Peace!

[JA-koxu]

Every argument is a game to them, where only they can dictate the rules (and can change them at will). They won't accept defeat, so the only way to effectively defend yourself is to stop playing.

[LordZombieZanetta]

my wife is the most evil person I've ever met and I fell trapped in order to protect the kids

[angelanicholson]

When you defend yourself, your giving them the ability to mock you, blame you, call you a liar and control you, plus it wears you down, and they love that. Not to mention, they love constant dramas, thriving on them. This also gives them power over other people to smear you if you try to explain to others, and with them needing to disqualify your truth by calling you over sensitive, an imaginary type, even a liar. Over time, not only do people not believe you, but the shame paralyses, and the feeling of misplaced guilt, and being told YOU are the trouble, turns what could and should have been a beautifully lived life into a cess pit of fear, lonliness and self-hatred. Everything and anything bad will feel as though it's your fault, and the narcs will smile wide with the power they've exercised over you, excusing all their wrong doing deflected onto you.

They need to project onto you all their anger from feelings from their own issues, giving them the joy of someone paying for what they felt and how they took things done to them, or like a proxy to pay you back for what someone else did to them. Their own hurt, guilt and shame is alleviated by passing it on to someone else, and they get to justify their wrath upon you, instead of upon the person/people who hurt them. They walk away free having pasted their hurt and feelings onto someone who they see as easy to blame, because you are kindly, caring, non confrontational or easdy going. You not only have their hurt and feelings put onto you, but also their wrath and expectations on you and from you that is meant for who hurt them.

It's so twisted, they'll even play your saviour while they are/have dewstroyed you, with a sick sense of seeing you pay to the extremes. Wiping you out is their goal, as if they've taken on their abusers role toward you. They lack the ability to consciously see that you are innocent and do not deserve their hidiousness aimed at you. Aall that matters to them is the transferance of their feelings, guilt, shame, rejection, onto someone else, and the angeer and revenge, as well as the full support from you toward them, while they exploit, use, abuse and desstroy you.

As the Dr says, the "whatever" response is the only one that works, but it has to be eearly on, or it's too late, as if it's late, they'll destroy you all the more, so be aware of this. However, better late than never, and they'll soon see you are no longer their slave, and you'll see their anger and hatred show up. Taking care of your needs and of yourself is far too precious to give away to an abuser. Being kind to yourself is required to move past this. And dropping the responsibility and misplaced guilt placed upon you for their feelings must be thrown into the trash where it belongs. We don't need to turn angry toward them (though being angry at what they've done and caused you is a natural heaaling process, so deal with that but not outwardly at them), just rewmove their power by switching off our natural caring and compassionate selves, and blocking the transferal they scape goated you with, after all, they relentlessly cared nothing about destroying you and your life to pay for what someone else did to them, dsomeone they didn't have the courage to stand up to, if they could. And cared nothing about branding you and sending you out into the wilderness, completely vulnerable and afraid, without protection all by yourself.

It's so hurtful, but you didn't turn into them by how they treated you. Yes, it ruined your life and stole what you'd have chosen. But your heart is still intact, and you are stronger than you ever thought, having survived, possibly from young, a life of being targeted by someone who was far weaker than you. So, when you are able, give yourself some of that compassion you openly give out to others, put the lies out, and find your true self and enjoy even the small things that were never allowed to you, and be kind to yourself. You'll be so much happier knowing you have the ability to do this, unlike the narcs who can only destroy other's in response to their feelings and hurts. You are responsible for your own feelings and for yourself. Be happy and enjoy being with yourself, and chosing your own life from now on. Finally. After going through your emotional state, working through your own feelings, hurts, etc, forgiveness all round is required, toward them and toward yourself, for you to move forward and freely, especially within yourself. Bless all survivors. You are stronger than you know.

[margochanning]

The most ironic thing about the narcissist is that they have an insatiable need for external validation.

[lynnfincham]

It’s the strangest thing.. when your in it you can’t see it ... when your out of it you think oh my god why oh why did I wait so long to walk away... but when you do what a delight x

[dnwitte]

Quoted verbatim: "It's hilarious to back you into a corner and watch you try to justify yourself." I wasted years trying to be friends with that monster.

[Mysticus]

I’m sticking with my life of quiet virtue

[wheelerpat]

“Don’t join them in that swamp.” How true!

[soulrebel]

You learn as you go. It takes time to realize this stage. When you do it’s the most amazing thing ever! There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! Much love to all!

[terencehennegan]

You don’t need NOTHING from narcissists. The less exchange of energy the better, there is no genuine reciprocation with a narcissist.

[runtherace]

I wasted so much time defending myself. Even in the moment I had no idea why I was bothering to do so. I guess I felt a great injustice about the incorrect characterizations he would say about me. I felt like I was going crazy. In the heat of my defense, it almost seemed to fuel his continued negative verbal onslaught. It was just absolutely nuts! After 9 years of that cycle along with emotional and some physical abuse, I finally got the courage to file for divorce. He got the papers last Friday. It was a very difficult decision because of my strong faith and the fact that he poses as a devout Catholic school principal. Everybody thinks he's wonderful. I can't take this way of life any longer. Dr. Carter's videos have helped me see the truth of what I've been living with and that it's most likely not going to change. For my mental and physical health, I can't stick around to find out.

[earlvanweerd]

When you fall into defending yourself all you are doing is giving them their supply.
Waste of time

[jeannes.]

The narc once sneezed right on my face, close-up, (soon after my brain surgery) and when I asked why she did that, she replied “my house, my rules!”

[bolt-dbtfg]

Haha, They are like a audio tape on loop. The communication just goes around and around and around in circles. You're just arguing and explaining yourself to an unchanging metal box, a tape-recorder machine on repeat. Set your boundary. Walk away from the little metal box

[dailydoseofmedicinee]

Here are a few ideas to help you do just that:
Don't fall for the temptation to sink to their level.
Don't feed the ego.
Don't take responsibility for his emotions.
Don't use ultimatums.
Don't give him negative attention👍

[WS]

So far 5 toxic narcissists have disliked this video! You'd have to be a goblin to dislike this wonderful man and his incredibly kind and helpful information!