Why modern America creates fragile children | Jonathan Haidt

Kids are more anxious and depressed than ever. Is identity politics to blame?

Generation Z, born from 1995 onwards, has been raised with “moral dependency,” argues social psychologist Jonathan Haidt. As the first generation to get social media at age 13, Gen Z has been denied the independence that previous generations enjoyed — the “free play,” the time spent off devices.

In general, Haidt argues that this generation is more fragile and sensitive to conflict, insults, and exclusion, making them less adept at solving problems on their own. And Haidt believes that overprotection has made them weaker and easily discouraged.

That’s why teaching critical thinking and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be the key to helping young people question their initial interpretations and improve their mental health. Haidt also discusses identity politics, differentiating between “common humanity” and “common enemy” approaches. Fostering a sense of commonality rather than division, Haidt argues, is essential for creating inclusive and diverse environments in educational institutions and society at large.

0:00 Kids born after 1995
1:25 Locking kids up
2:00 The end of independence
3:05 What are triggers?
3:30 Psychological habits to break
4:04 Habit #1: Motivated reasoning
5:14 Cognitive behavioral therapy
6:28 Habit #2: Tribalism
7:29 Good and bad identity politics

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About Jonathan Haidt:
Jonathan Haidt is the Thomas Cooley Professor of Ethical Leadership at New York University’s Stern School of Business. He is the author of The Righteous Mind and The Happiness Hypothesis.

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Read more of our stories on parenting:
The parenting paradox of the ultra-wealthy
Parents: Don’t make your child the enemy. Build your relationship instead
Parents: Don’t focus on happiness, help build resilience instead

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[bigthink]

Do you think American kids are being raised to be too fragile?

[marvinbrown]

Therapist here with a particular niche for working with adolescents and emerging adults (also trained in CBT); Haidt is spot on, a lot of my clients have difficulty navigating conflict, very little coping skills for life's challenges, and do not socialize enough (zero spontaneity with it comes to hanging out with each other; parents have scheduled their childhoods to the max) and struggle with overall independence. The positive however, is that Gen Z is smart, introspective (maybe to a fault), they are open to working on their shortcomings and have a grasp on mental health unlike previous generations.

[pootispencer]

I'm a post 2000's guy ( I guess you call us gen Z). At every turn, it has been quite irritating that my parents (who are quite attentive and take their parenting duties seriously) strongly discouraged risk taking and never took me seriously when I claimed I was capable or responsible enough to do certain things. The response was always, 'No you can't' rather than 'Prove that you can'. Enormously, I feel that even now as a college grad my parents basically have zero trust in my capabilities. You have no idea how difficult it is to do outgoing and controlled risk taking stuff when you've basically been smothered.

[ScreamingNoises]

I was born in 06, and this description epitomizes my year. I wasn't necessarily coddled as a child, but my parents always arranged "play dates" with friends for me when I was younger. Nowadays, most of my social interaction is online, even if it is with friends from my hometown. A huge thing in our household is to plan, work tirelessly, and get good grades. I was raised to analyze every situation and think objectively. Consequently, most of my social interactions feel forced and awkward. I'm more stoic than my generation's stereotype, but it yields the same results: I'm neurotic and antisocial.

I feel trapped in my society without the adequate tools to advance myself. While I'm not someone to blatantly lash out against anything that hurts me, I don't have the emotional maturity to handle my stressors. It's like my emotions are a half-deflated balloon, and I'm trying desperately to pinch the hole shut with my fingers, but I can't keep the air from escaping. What escapes is anger and frustration at my life. I'm left slowly being sapped of all emotion as the balloon eventually fully deflates. My school or my parents don’t help me. They've replaced any intrinsic motivation with extrinsic rewards for completing tasks. Write a paper and receive an A. You're interested in x, y, and z? Search for colleges to get into that have that. I'm left with too taxing of a workload to meet my parent's expectations, and I'm passionate about none of it. If I drop the workload, nothing else interests me anymore; there is no happy place to relax.

This is why I turned to social media. It preoccupies my time by mindlessly scrolling through seconds of people's carefully manufactured online lives. I can laugh at jokes without thinking about anything. It is my mindless escape. I know it’s not beneficial for me, and I need to find meaningful connections in the world, but it’s easier to do nothing than force yourself to get up in the mornings.

Sorry this isn’t about Gen Z psychology, but I couldn’t stop once I started writing. I think our generation magnifies depression because there is less support from other people. We aren’t practiced at helping each other, and older generations don’t understand our emptiness. I hope people feel the same.

[haoyangguo]

Cities need to become walkable again so kids can hangout without having to go to a mall. Sometimes it’s not that kids doesn’t want to go out and play with peers, it’s just that they have no place to go to.

[Emc]

As a young adult who is now a teacher, this is 100% true. Kids NEED PLAY. It promotes interaction, problem solving and creative thinking.

[brendanb]

something to consider as well is how many kids are raised in suburbia which doesn't allow anyone without a drivers license to go to any places to hang out, other than neighbor's house. The way we design our communities simply isn't setup for kids to explore and enjoy the area around them. We could work on that

[waynr]

I grew up basically unsupervised because my parents were always working out watching television. Now in my late 30s it's hard to imagine depending on anyone for anything and I've never had a long term romantic relationship. So I think there's a balance to be had between guidance/support from emotionally intelligent adults and opportunities for measured risk taking / independence.

[earthemma]

I was born in the mid-90s and I’ve definitely seen this with my childhood. When I was 8 or 9 I went out to play with a friend in the neighborhood and we pretty much went everywhere within a mile of home for like 5 hours. I had a ball. Well, when I got home I got a dressing down from my parents because they didn’t know EXACTLY where I was and I caused them to panic. This impacted me so much that I never went out and did free play again. From then on, I allowed my parents to helicopter parent me and I just retreated within myself and played on the computer all day. My parents were well meaning but by scorning their own parents’ parenting style they inadvertently made me and my siblings very fragile. Meanwhile, my husband, a foreigner who was allowed to engage in free play cannot understand why American young adults are so damned anxious and fragile. It’s absolutely foreign to him—and he grew up in a financially insecure home so his childhood wasn’t necessarily “easy” but he still came out well-adjusted.

[ggukiescave]

I’m Gen Z. Being born in 2004, I was practically born with a technological device in hand. I was never allowed to go outside because my parents were fearful of me being abducted. They were even afraid that I would fall and scrape my knee. I never learned how to ride a bike because of this. Even sports cause fear and anxiety within me because I was taught to avoid them.

Instead of being outside and socializing, I spent my days online. From ages 5 to the present, most of my best memories consist of what happened online. To say that out loud is extremely depressing, but it’s my reality. I grew up playing Wii Sports with my cousins, Minecraft and Roblox with other kids online. I socialized with peers—not through physical means—but digitally through social media. My parents didn’t have much knowledge on how to use technology so I basically had unlimited access to the internet. They were immigrants as well, so they didn’t necessarily understand American culture, which caused further apprehension about allowing me to be outside. I remember always feeling hurt when I couldn’t attend a friend’s birthday party, or not being able to attend an after school program. For them, it was better seeing me on a screen than having to worry about me being kidnapped/physically hurt. You can probably imagine that I was exposed to a lot of information that I shouldn’t have seen as a young child, but thankfully nothing bad has happened.

I will say that having spent the majority of my time online and not learning how to interact properly in the real world has really affected me negatively. I have social anxiety, and my view on the world (as mentioned in this video) is indeed extremely negative. I often speak to my parents about how I don’t want children, or how I feel like I cannot trust our own government. I worry about our climate, and worry excessively about our future in general. I have trust issues with people. It takes a lot for me to genuinely open up. They laugh at me, wondering, “Why are so many Gen Z kids like that?” They don’t mean that positively. I doubt my own decisions and have extremely low self-esteem. I don’t feel like I can confidently and comfortably navigate through the world on my own. Even though I’m freshly 18, I mentally feel 12 at times. I try to force myself to seek out uncomfortable situations because that’s how I believe growth occurs, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I do have my own drivers license, and I am currently a full-time student and I have a full-time job. I’m actively reading, and I try to develop my hobbies. Still, I feel lacking in every aspect.

I feel as if I can’t think critically, and I’m losing all my creativity. I used to have a vivid imagination, but I notice it is on a steady decline the more I age. I believe I’m not easily swayed by marketing strategies, but I do believe it is harder for me to create my own opinion on something. I find myself often being in the middle, rather than being on extreme ends of beliefs (unless they are blatantly wrong and go against my morals and values). I’m more so worried about my creativity. I don’t know how to get it back.

Despite all the downsides that come to growing up in this type of culture, I believe I have learned a lot and seen different ways of living. I was introduced to the self-improvement culture, and learned a lot about stoicism. I view financial freedom content, and I am extremely self-aware when it comes to the psychology of people and the emotions of people. I feel as if I wouldn’t have learned all that I have if I wasn’t on the internet. I try to limit the time I spend on the internet even without my parents having to say anything.

Sorry, I don’t even know where I’m going with all of this. I guess all I really want is to be a good person who can feel comfortable in the world and in my own skin. I don’t know why it feels impossible to reach.

[JavierCR]

Wow!! As a parent I can tell you, this is spot on. Stop sheltering kids so much from reality and let them grow a thick skin and problem solving capabilities.

[GeetaGalaway]

I was raped and molested very often by dozens of men growing up in the 80s and 90s. Growing up as a young girl, I was constantly being solicited by grown men. I escaped and fought off most of them. It has taken me a lifetime to heal, and most never heal that. I refuse to subject my daughters to that. Obviously, I don't deprive my children of social interaction, and I teach them about the world. I, by far, do not shelter them. However, I think young girls have a much different experience in this world than young boys. The world isn't as safe as the man in this video portrays. There definitely has to be a balance. Sheltering your children isn't the solution... but neither is neglecting them.

[boyvip]

I was born in mid 90s and my parents were so protective. I was the one that wanted to go out side and play with other kids but my family held me back, wanted me to play inside. Now from an outgoing one I became awkward and can't communicate well to other people. To anyone that's going to have children, please let them go out and communicate with other kids, don't overprotect them, let them fall, get hurt (in an exceptable manner). You wil only harm your children later on.

[arielgharsi]

3:18 “We should not be teaching our kids to see the world as being full of triggers, we should teach them to live in a world that’s physically quite safe but full of offensive statement and ideas” So well put wow.

[FullAdder]

I once heard of an experiment where trees were grown completely inside once sprouted, protected from the elements. As the trees grew, they had no strength and, eventually, would simply fall over under their own weight. They found that those exposed to the wind as they grew did not fall over and had the strength to support themselves and even weather storms.

The same wind that sometimes blows over full grown trees was necessary (in smaller doses) for the trees to stand in the first place. Our children are the same: they need protection from the full force of life, but if they do not experience it at all, they will always rely on an external support.

[caroflaka]

This is so on point! I even noticed this as a kid moving from Colombia to the U.S. I got here at at the age of 11 and found it hard to connect with other kids here. They seemed much more childish and immature than the kids back in Colombia and I've always felt like relationships felt more superficial.

[IvanRodriguez-file]

I was born in 2001 and raised in the hood. My mom would work late hours as a single mom so I was out in the streets as a kid. I'm so thankful for this because once I made it out and manage to get to college. Holy shit the amount of kids my age who were so immature mentally and emotionally. Close to no wisdom. Little things send them off the rails. Depression was runny ramped. So many labels yet they hate labels. They can't live in the moment. I saw this more in kids that came from a good home too where both parents are home.

[antongetzlaf]

I was born in 2000 and was raised in the way he describes, and when I got out on my own at 18 I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and I was terrified (not to mention a bad roommate). Luckily I hooked up with a good group of friends, we all give each other advice and laugh at our mistakes, we've been through some crazy times together.

[theaquaticbystander]

As someone who's a part of this generation, this is exactly how I and a lot of us feel. Even now, most adults in my life treat me like a child, making sure I'm safe, keeping me away from danger. Instead of teaching me how to fend for myself. Now getting out on my own almost feels impossible.

[atomic_tubetop]

Bullying isnt a good thing. I went to private elementary school as a kid so i was stuck with the same group of kids from 5 to 14. One of the kids convinced all the others not to talk to me starting in kindergarten, and by 5th grade in a class of 30 students i had 1 friend. And friend was a generous term, he was just the only student who would talk to me. I remember praying tp god in 4th grade that i wouldnt wake up. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since. I have extreme social anxiety which makes my depression that much worse. Bullying has destroyed my life.
"When we protect kinds from ... teasing and exclusion we are setting them up to be weak." Im weak because no one protected me. Im weak because none of the adults for the first 5 years of my social life thought to stick up for me.