I’m Struggling With My Husband’s ADHD (How Do I Cope?)

I’m Struggling With My Husband’s ADHD (How Do I Cope?)

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[wentzel]

I've had a few hundred conversations with my adhd husband which included lots of yelling. After the first few dozen times it felt like hell, he has lots of abusive habits and I've ended up in lots of awful situations because of his adhd. I had to calm myself down over the years because the shouting match is just not worth it. I still have the same conversations every week and month after 8 years. He refuses to do marriage counselling and CBT. I found a way to stay calm but I am miserable. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore and I definitely need a therapist to help me bounce back to the happier person I used to be. Dealing with his adhd broke me, meanwhile he hasn't lost anything and is still himself and I've lost a whole lot of me.

[AncientLemomTree]

This is my husband!! My husband was literally unable to “learn” in school. Teachers called him incorrigible. But not only does adhd run in his family, high intelligence does too. When he was medicated in the 7th grade, he got a perfect score on the state’s standardized test. They had to bring in government officials and had him re do the test in a private room as they watched to make sure he wasn’t cheating. After failing high school with zero credits, he took the AZVAB and got a score of 97. He probably has an iq of over 160. Today he takes a very small dose of adderall “That doesn’t really do anything” and works 80 hours a week at a job he excels at- machine repair. I’m very proud of him but I’m basically his secretary when it comes to appointments. He forgets EVERYTHING! And by now I just assume I’m going to take the garbage out every week.

[AlexisDavis]

I burst into actual tears during this call. Dr. John expressed how I’ve felt my entire life. He articulated his crazy brain in a way that was so human I thought he was mentioning my crazy brain. Whoah.

I’m not alone. I’m purchasing scattered. I’m feeling hope. For now. Thank you ❤

[theundone]

There are tools for ADHD. If you know you have it, it is your responsibility to use those tools. If you're not doing that, then you aren't taking responsibility for your actions and ADHD is not your main problem.
I'm a woman with ADHD, and I don't have somebody else to put the burden on for the work that doesn't get done. I have to find a way to get it done, period. Sometimes that means cleaning in 5 minutes spurts while I'm waiting for the coffee to brew, it involves setting tons of reminders, it involves giving myself literal pep talks, yeah, sometimes it means self-compassion, meditation, and breathing exercises. I recently started taking stimulant medication and it actually helps. I didn't want to start simulans, it took an act of self-compassion to allow myself that tool as well.

The core of it is, we all have to take responsibility and do our best to meet our responsibilities and to not take advantage of those around us. Yeah, we have weaknesses but that's not an excuse to not take mitigating action.

[rebeccabyrne]

I am in the husband’s shoes ADD/ADHD, thank you caller for taking the time to make this call thank Dr Delony for taking this call. I have experienced for many years from others that the statement “ well that’s just who she is.” And many times people will leave my life because “they can’t deal.” But thank you for the explanation, I can now make strides in processing conversations of the needs of others in future relationships and this call has given be more clarity. Thank you

[paulaqueirosz]

You described my husband and our mom-son relationship. The difference here is, my husband thinks there's nothing wrong with him and he needs no treatment...

[katelyndefreitas]

The problem is that people with adhd who “self manage” is that they have made a process that works for them to survive and once things change (ie kids) their brain cannot make the change without everything falling apart

[alejandrogomezdelmoralguer]

This is so weird to hear. I have Adhd, I’m a husband, and I HATE my condition with the passion of 1000 burning suns. It’s not a superpower to me. It’s my constant albatross. Fine - I’m creative and I think outside the box some. I’m also (and this isn’t me being immodest - I’m literally an award-winning, published scholar) smarter than most people. But you know what? I’m constantly fighting to get things done through the brain fog, the distraction, the dopamine-hunger, you name it. It’s not fun. I’ve had a diagnosis since I was 10, I’ve been mostly medicated since then, and I still have depression (also medicated for that!), in part due to lifelong feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy stemming in part from always feeling like I was only ever keeping up in my relationships and in my professional life when I work at it as HARD AS I CAN. I respect that some people might feel differently, but even those of us who wish to God we could Just. Be. NT. and have meds to help, we may still be fighting like hell, and it sucks. And I gave it to my kids, poor guys.I spin it as it’s part of them and not a personal flaw, but I’m sorry - in this NT world, it isn’t this wonderful advantage. The whole world is built for people not like us, and it’s hard.

[CurtisOnYoutube]

If anyone here has ADHD and is forgetting stuff set alarms on your phone for everything. That’s what I do lol I wish I would have started doing this years ago.

I always felt daily tasks felt like such a chore cause it would eat up my mental bandwidth trying to remember. Now I will just set an alarm to do the dishes at a time I think works good and all day just alarms go off for things lol. But me not having to worry about remembering things all day is such a relief.

I still forget to set an alarm every once and a while but now instead of forgetting 7 out of 10 things it’s like 1 out of 30 things.

[jquinnstring]

30 year old male with ADHD here, im on 20mg of Ritalin La, failed school and was failing at life untill i held my little girl at 20 years of age talk about a wake up call. Ive held a good job for over 10 years same relationship for 10 years and im proud to say weve just came back from a trip to disneyland that i organised and planned all by myself!! Its completely possible u just need to be open about it, Yes i am a hot mess at times and yes need help with a lot of "simple" tasks but i also refuse to let this dictate my life and i refuse to be a failure of a father! To all the chemicaly imballanced brains out there YOU ARE NOT YOUR ADHD

[leahboynton]

I burst into tears with this episode. 1. When you said discipline feels like I'm losing a superpower 2. When you said your wife says thank you for bringing the cups in the house rather than omg, it short circuits the shame spiral.

[JerriaNikonchuk]

I have been married to a man for 47 years that is everything that had been discussed here. He has never been diagnosed with ADHD but I’m exhausted from living and managing two lives, emotionally and physically. This chaos is killing me and he feeling awful about himself. I love him but I don’t want stay anymore, I don’t think it will ever be manageable at this age or point in life. So depressed

[kierre]

These episodes about spouses with ADHD make me feel so seen. Over the years I have started to believe that it's me making too much of a deal of things. I feel it in my soul that's not true. These women are having the same experiences and the same emotions. Im not a nag or too controlling. Im a wife turned mother. Im tired. Im defeated. Im not overreacting.❤

[alittlepieceofearth]

When John talked about needing an orderly environment if you are easily overstimulated was so validating.

[victoriarivera]

A spouse with ADHD inattentive type who sees nothing wrong with the careless behavior and disregards the efforts the partner makes to compensate the lack of support … when the child presents similar symptoms and sees nothing wrong with that and constantly resists all efforts to correct the situation…

Forgetting; that’s nothing. I just wish I could say things without getting aggressiveness back and the commitment to compromise…

[lauramckiernan]

Accountability is everything. My ex husbands adhd destroyed our marriage. He walked out, never wanted to acknowledge his behaviour, lack of attentiveness, unable to be financially responsible, deregulation, always feeling attacked over the smallest things. It was exhausting. To this day he still doesn't think he was the problem. I hope this womans husband is willing to own his part and manage his adhd.

[goldengirl]

I cried, listening to this. I have a husband with ADHD and this has helped me, so now i have an idea on how to approach him on helping me with household chores.

[benbeaudet]

Started Scattered Minds because of this video - WOW is it unbelievable. The level of intimate knowledge and ability to dismantle common misconceptions, while completely validating the pain and experience of people with ADHD is astounding. Fantastic recommendation.

[ColliersDesignConsultingLLC]

I feel bad for saying this. I hate my marriage and want to leave. It’s not a “superpower” like everyone keeps trying to express. My husband is a hot mess and refuses to get help for years. Now he’s smoking vapes and weed daily and it’s making him extremely slow minded. I know he’s not autistic but I can’t deal with this anymore. I used to vouch for him anytime anyone would comments about him, but after 12 job loses, jail and a DV charge, extreme narcissism, abandonment issues, and both his parents on drugs (one died), IM DONE. I pray God can heal him it now I’m almost 30 and having to move back into my parents house smh

[rosewest]

I have tried to educate myself to be there for my adhd but the rsd episodes are so hard. My anxiety goes through the roof sometimes and it feels like walking on eggshells. He knows he has adhd (from childhood) but he doesnt want to face it. He wont see the doctor or go on meds. He wont go to therapy. He has convinced himself that he can manage it but the heartbreaking thing for me is to see him not managing it. Lashing out verbally, agressive talking, going silent on me for weeks when I try to calming talk to him about our relationship and the little lies all the time.
I backed off last year and he blamed me for everything. 3 years in nearly and its so draining. There is so much I love about him but its like being with 2 different people.