Why Our Loved Ones Hurt Us

A surprising amount of suffering is inflicted upon us by those who ostensibly love us. An explanation can be found by understanding the psychology of cruelty.

FURTHER READING

“Part of why it is so hard to understand ourselves is that people are constantly doing things to us that defy the common-sense of view of how human beings might plausibly behave around people they claim to care about. We expect that those who might carry the title of mum or dad or husband or wife would, unless they had very clear reasons to do otherwise, show us kindness. And yet the brutal reality (which we must take on board for our own sanity) is that humans are frequently beset by feelings that are so intolerable and difficult, they develop urges to pass them on to others in a version of emotional pass the parcel…”

MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Watch more films on SELF in our playlist:

SOCIAL MEDIA

Feel free to follow us at the links below:

CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Alix Bortoli: Direction, design, edit and
Martin Leman: animation

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[avidhossanmansur]

A wise woman once told me, '' You will bleed on your loved ones if you don't heal yourself' this really helped me in that phase of my life. Long story short, I got cheated on for over a year without even having a hunch. I felt that I was stupid for trusting a cheater or undesirable to women as a whole. My frustration turned into bitterness and all my relationships suffered. Skepticism and lack of trust were slowly poisoning my whole life.
but with time, research and a lot of support from friends I finally came out of my hellscape. now I know that someone needs to be able to hold proper friendships first to have a proper relationship. Also, I don't rush into relationships blindly like I used to. Remember to always have a net of people who care about you and whom you care about so that you don't find yourself in my shoes.

[NickNotas]

Regardless of why they're hurting you, if they keep doing it, you need to distance yourself. They need to process their own demons before they can have a healthy relationship with you. -Nick

[RealmRabbit]

It's like what a wise philosopher once said:

"What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more."

[rando]

"Cruelty is at heart an attempt to make ourselves feel better by doing to someone else a version of what was done to us." Instead of expressing anger at those who have hurt us, we end up redirecting our anger at someone who didn't cause it in the first place. Doing so feels safer than addressing the real underlying problems. And usually, the one who bears the brunt of our rage is seen as weak, insignificant, and unable or unwilling to fight back.

[Leo-mrqz]

I think the husband and wife scenario is the hardest to overcome. You go into the relationship with rose colored glasses, thinking that this person will always want what is best for you. Then, time passes, and you've realized that you just fell into another trap of narrasstic behaviors, because that pattern is so utterly familiar to you from childhood, that you were like the spider to the fly. 💔

[FreaknJoshwa]

This is why I’ll never have kids, knowing how much generational trauma had been passed on to me by my parents. Some I haven’t even begin to understand yet. Would never want to subject my own to the same “invisible” traumas.

[Ryan-Horgan]

Sometimes you have to cut ties with some people - “If you want to fly give up everything that weighs you down.” – Buddha

[jhgreen]

I swear this is the best therapy. Giving us insight into why people are the way they are. Thank you.

[nickstemberger]

Had to distance myself from my extended family after losing my dad. I fear they will never understand the pain my family went through. I am so disappointed that I have to be the mature one with adults decades older than me. I made the hard choice to save myself even if it came at the cost of being a black sheep and emotional abuse. Wish I would've seen this video at 15, now that I'm 31.

[icidaimon]

Very timely video for me. Learning a lot about the inner workings of my family and how that has impacted my mental health.

[kitluwi]

Every one of us is projecting what's happening/happened inside us, subconsciously. It takes so much energy and effort to be self-aware in order to end the cycle of hurting those around us for what was done to us. It even also takes so much effort to truly be aware or notice that we are projecting our pains.

We need to practice mindfulness everyday to be self-aware.
We can't heal if we keep on repeating the hurt we experienced to the people around us, especially to those whom we claim we love the most.

[FuriousP]

This is why I'm terrified of relationships. I always think that people have a secret agenda to hurt me.

[airbus]

I was destroyed like that but not by my parents but by a partner who I loved so much you can't imagine. I'm still gathering the pieces. It affected me so deeply.

[AJ-das]

This reminds me of my recent ex. It wasn't until I fully moved out and she had nothing over me that I realized how much she unintentionally tried to scare me because she was stuck in fear. I wish her peace.

[vezirmertcan]

"Such injections wouldn't work if they were noticed, so enormous energy goes into the cover up. It is debatable how much the injector even understands what they are up to; they are more driven to act than cleanly be aware of how or why they are doing so."
You are doing a great job. Thanks so much.

[iloveyou-cfbr]

„A big part of self-knowledge means realising that those we love and have trusted may have put sole hugely damaging ideas inside us that need to be identified and corrected to help us to attain the freedom and light-heartedness we crave and deserve.“
Damn.

[Trasea]

"Emotional pass-the-parcel." Great name for it. I was just ghosted by a guy who said he's been ghosted by many women, and he would never do that to anyone. Ahh, but he did. After 20 months of talking every day, he disappeared. Now the trick is for me to not pass the poison parcel to someone else. God help us all... we humans need our DNA rearranged!!

[arielm]

My sister and I both experienced multiple traumas growing up. She expressed it by causing me pain and I just bottled everything up. I grew up resenting her for causing me so much damage. Over the last few years, I've had a different perspective on it all- I just feel compassion and sadness. Part of healing from my trauma is realizing that the people I resented growing up were probably dealing with a laundry list of their own unresolved trauma.

[CommanderHarataIdaku]

This really and truly made me think about the way relationships in my life have fallen apart or been damaged by people I thought cared about me. I've always wondered and had a subtle idea as to why that occurred, but this just cements the truth for me. Thank you for this video.

[thechancellor-]

To the *incredible person* that's seeing this, I wish you all the best in life❤ don't over blame yourself, accept things and go forward. Don't let others define what “success” is for you. Get up, learn the skills needed and get after it, all the keys to a happy life is in your hands. Keep pushing.