How to Validate their FEELINGS and still have BOUNDARIES.

Validating our partners feelings doesn't have to mean we agree with why they are having them, it simply means we value their perspective as legitimate to them. We care about what's going on inside of them. It doesn't mean inviting them to accuse or criticize or verbally attack us, it just means showing them the same respect and kindness we would want shown to us if we had a concern or complaint as well.

How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
#marriageadvice #relationshipproblems #conflictresolution

[valvlester]

Active listening is seeking more information so that we can understand where the feelings and beliefs are coming from. To do this we must resist the urge to defend ourselves and openly seek to understand. 🥰 so important.

[cobiewoods]

I am so grateful for these videos! I realized that I’m not crazy, I’ve just not been safe or validated for the past 10 years. I don’t want my husband to fix the situation in the moment out of anger and I certainly don’t want the blank stare or angry defensiveness. I need a partner that actually wants to understand me, to validate my feelings. Your videos have validated my feelings enough for me to stand up for myself and stop downplaying my needs to make it more comfortable for my husband. I realize how my desperation has led me to hide the depths of my hurt in order to not overwhelm my partner in hopes I get a breadcrumb of understanding….and all that did was to make him oblivious and further ignore me. He’s now upset at me that I didn’t tell him sooner now that the dam of hurt has cracks and is showing. I have tried so many times to ask for counseling or couple time, to turn off the damn tv! I’ve tried and tried but I realize I have been hiding…last night I’m telling him that I need HIM to pursue healing and learning, not just comply with what I tell him he needs to listen to or attend. I need him to pursue prioritizing our relationship, I got “I get it” and yanks the shower curtain across my face. And this is him “trying really hard”. And I believe him, in his mind he is trying, I’m just having such a hard time extending grace but he’s sooo oblivious.

[calimaree]

Great video!!! I can’t stand the, “Don’t feel that way!!” Or “You shouldn’t feel that way”. Just shared this…. 🤞🏾🤞🏼🤞🏽🤞🏿

[jodycarroll]

Thank you for your videos and words of advice. Sometimes I share them in hopes that my partner will get something out of it, and sometimes like this particular video, I am the one who gained something. This goes both ways in a relationship (as of most of what you say). For me, I often want validation or understanding but I don't always give it. A lot of time, I am the harsh and critical one. So, videos like this one, hits home, and makes me see something that I myself needs to be better at.

[kevinramirez]

As someone who’s been trying to do this for about a year now, it’s is so fucking hard. Sometime you think you’re doing it right then you reflect on it and realize you’re not doing it right at all.

[jasonlu]

Thx for this video. My dad has a lot of very unhealthy thought patterns and pent up frustration due to being raised by toxic parents, and it seems to me he tries way too hard to suppress his own emotions and thought at his own expense when we as a family disagree over things, which prompts him to explode and lash out when some little thing triggers him to vent all of his emotions. I myself had somewhat similar issues of suppressing emotions, which manifested more passively in depression and feeling worthless instead of anger, until recently when I realized that emotions cannot and should not be judged or invalidated. While I live a way happier life not invalidating my own emotions, I find it difficult to draw the line when it comes to my dad, when I should support his feelings and when I should set boundaries, etc. I'll keep this video in mind in all future interactions with him.

[chrisc.]

Needs to be a 2 way street though. She can't start off with expressing her feelings but presenting them as facts. "You never xyz" and "You always xyz" needs to be replaced with "I feel like you xyz because of abc". Then he won't feel attacked, or that the conversation is pointless because its based on falsehoods. He won't feel the need to react defensively and will have a much greater capacity to respond with validations.

[danielwindecker]

What should I do if my wife feels like I don’t have her back… when I definitely do have her back in everything.

[sharky]

This is a good skill, not one that I have, but would be very effective to get to the root problems. I often just get defensive and make the environment unsafe to share complaints..

[CalLadyQED]

When I say that a man has to respect me, this is part of it. What Jimmy is talking about here is respecting his wife's feelings.

[MetalCooking]

Telling me I have to listen to false criticisms and validate their feelings even if what they’re saying is complete BS is unfair. I would not expect that from my partner. So why should I offer it to her?

Unreasonable criticisms are hurtful and my feelings matter too.

If I criticise my partner but it turns out that I was wrong then I will hold my hands up and apologise. If my partner is not grown up or conscientious enough to do that then she’s not right for me and, if we break up and she wrongly thinks I’m the bad guy, so be it.

[AECH_CH]

This is a bit funny though, I'm not gonna lie. Real life isn't rainbows and butterflies... Sometimes stuff gets heated. In my opinion it's really important that a relationship can also survive this type of stuff. Not all boundaries are "set in stone" or "a hill one wants to die on" - the same way I wouldn't always follow laws just because it's the law.

But I do think that it's generally quite a good thing to not emotionally decide on important points in life and to talk in a normal volume etc. Frequent yelling and fighting surely isn't a good sign of a healthy relationship.

[kelsey]

I keep doing this to my partner. I need help. Thank you for making these videos.

[sethmcberry]

Love your videos. Spoken in a way that I can understand. My question is how do I validate my wife's feelings when she "feels" that I'm cutting her hair or putting acid on her hair. This conflict is destroying us.

[yippeehaha-yy]

What if the other person accuses you of psychoanalyzing when you're trying to listen and validate?

[MajorieRoyal]

yes.. I can hear the feeling no problem but my partner does bring it up always with the analysis of what I am or was thinking, feeling what was my intention etc and this I cannot accept because it's often very wrong and his perceptions are always the worst that can be put on me. Like you did this because you don't care, you're not tactful etc when in reality I over think about how he feels all the time that I am over stressed by it.. so I try to rectify his "defining" of me but he never wants to believe me on how I feel or think or what are my intentions. And letting days pass to calm down doesn't change nothing... if we talk about that again it's back to the same thing. So we never fix nothing and over time he build a case over me and what apparently I am and what apparently happened so I become a person I am not for him.. Would you mind talking about that.. no one does.. We shouldn't define our partner... never telling them what they think, feel or what their intentions are because it's very abusive and over time it affects a lot. Thank you for your videos

[davidjonburke]

A wise man once told me just agree with her.. Even if she does attack you. 😂

[calimaree]

Folks get too defensive to think/ consider/validate which is so frustrating!!

[candaceplummer]

I have a question. How do you respond when your spouse seems like they are sharing "feelings" just to turn things around on you? Like, if I share that I feel lonely because he's spending too much time at work but, he doesn't listen and instead turns it around and says that he also feels lonely but can't really explain why, he just does, how do you respond?

[DeusEx_Machina]

My internal conflict comes from, lack of a better word, I guess a cognitive dissonance... Do you tell the other party that you don't agree with them? If not, Is that invalidation via lie by omission? Does that question even make sense?