Therapist Explains Bisexual Grief

Loss of queer identity. Having to credential yourself to be permitted in queer spaces. Explaining what Bisexuality means and what it doesn't. Bi-erasure in media and in your life.

Defining Bisexuality can be a hard thing for people. Even that can be a spot of frustration or pain. As a bisexual woman in a gay presenting relationship, AND a Licensed therapist, I have some things to say in the subject. No matter how you identify, this week's Ask a Therapist video is a must watch for anyone in the queer community, or an ally of the same. I'd be willing to bet these themes feel familiar to many of you.
#bisexual #askatherapist #grief

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Kelly is a LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor) in the USA making YouTube videos to inform, entertain, and empower viewers. Watching these videos does not constitute a therapeutic relationship or therapy. Should you wish to find a therapist, or more information, check out the links below!

Helpful Links:
💙 Instagram: @AnchoredCounselingFL
💜 Instagram: @KellyRMinter

[Uknowthatimnogood]

I have a good quip for the next time someone says to you “just pick a side”. Tell them “my sexuality isn’t the Civil War.” 😂

[gillianwinzinger]

Great video. I'm bi, and have been in a "straight" marriage for a very long time. I get profoundly lonely due to not belonging to either the straight or gay community. I recently tried to join a local lesbian group that specifically said they are bi welcoming, but was not admitted to the group because I'm married to a man. It's just heartbreaking to be rejected by straight people for not being straight enough and by gay people for not being gay enough... it's like there's no place in this world for us sometimes. The whole reason LGBTQ communities exist is because we need each other, and it's just insanely hurtful that people think bi people don't have the same need for connection as everyone else.

[yonanolesaligugi]

I am a bisexual man, I went a more unorthodox route of thinking I am gay at first. Wasn't until my 20s that I have finally accepted that I am attracted both romantically and sexually to women as well as men. I have been battling these feelings for a long time, feeling like I had to chose to be more "gay" due to pressure to be monosexual and the myth that being bi was just a phase before being totally gay. I have finally gotten to the point where I am perfectly happy and content at the thought of me being in a loving and caring relationship with a beautiful woman. The bisexual grief is real! However, I am determined to find and help build a loving community where Bi/Pan people are more accepted for who they are.

[ozgamer]

I am a bisexual man and this i just have to say that i really appreciate your words. It has taken me so long to come to terms with my own identity and it is so heartening to know that i am not the only one. I have felt like i am either not straight enough or gay enough to be accepted by anyone.

[dnarrion]

Before I’ve had boyfriends and was considered gay. Now I’m married to a woman and have children I’m considered straight. I’m open about my bisexuality in my private circles and have been open with my sexuality for years, but this underlying pressure to be either or is really annoying and a bit demeaning at times.

[SatyreIkon]

I feel this. Before my divorce THE most frequently asked question for me as a pansexual man married to a woman when I told people (of ALL sexualities other than bi or pan) that I am pansexual was "...and your wife doesn't mind?" Mind. That word. Like it was something you should be ashamed for that could be potentially problematic for the partner. 🙄

[NickCookActingScribe]

Brilliant video. As a bi man married to a straight woman I can absolutely relate to much of this. I’ve been lucky enough to be mostly accepted in most spaces, but there are always exceptions. Regardless of being out though, you always feel like you’re denying a part of yourself, and you’re always worried about someone having a negative reaction.

[hustler]

As a gay person myself, I can relate to the fact of being treated differently by people because of something I can't control. It's as simple as that. Apply that to bi folks as well.

[williamchapple]

Such an amazing and relatable video, thank you for sharing this
As a bi guy I often faced biphobia and never felt welcomed into any queer spaces as a result, for example I was told I wasn’t truly in the community because I didn’t enjoy Drag Race. This made me really scared that what I liked affected my positioning in the world and I was neither gay or straight enough to be in it. I then got super fortunate and met the most amazing LGBT+ friends who made me feel loved and accepted, it also coincided with the release of Heartstopper which made me feel represented and seen.
I have a male partner who is the most amazing soul and helps me with this and makes me feel properly included within the community, he also makes things clear that I’m bisexual even though I’m with a guy

[sarahallegra]

I’m bi as well and I really appreciate this video! Since I’m married to a man (very happily) I don’t feel super welcome in the queer world, outside of being an ally… which I would be, but my letter is right there in the LGTBQIA ☹️ I get why people are protective of those spaces, absolutely, but it’s kinda sad when it ends up excluding people who really do belong too.

[darkhorse]

Thank you Kelly your words are a breath of fresh air and sanity.

[ovatsugrock]

just came across your video, recently i've began the proccess to accept myself as bisexual and started to watch videos about it and i cannot believe how much i can relate to some of things that i've heard regarding this type of educational content, a great part of my life was filled with resentment, hate, frustration, depression, anxiety i isolated myself away from everyone, hated myself in silence, tried to "fit in" and constantly refused to see who i really was. and as a man i never had the opportunity to speak with anyone about how i felt, but since i stoped hating myself just for having those kinda feelings towards some people of my same gender i'm way happier and it's like i actually wanna live now.
I'm very glad that i began to accept who i really am, one thing that stands with me from the video was when i heard about the study that you mention of how sexuality does not change with time, it make me really happy, because if i had just kept going in the direction that i was (denying the fact that i like boys too), probably i would have already committed suicide by now.
Thank you very much for the video, much love <3
(i can barely speak english, sorry if my grammar isn't on point)

[oneishakan]

Gosh I loved this video, I’m bi also and married and the struggle is real. Not feeling like I’m apart of any community is really getting to me. So glad you made this video.

[CajunCraft]

Thank you so much. No one talks about this. I really did grieve 1/2 of my sexuality when I got married. And people assume I’m incapable of monogamy? Married 20 years. Never cheated. We don’t swing. Still queer. It wasn’t an experiment and I do really miss it as it’s HALF of my sexuality…. That’s a hell of a lot to give up

[SachaHarford]

I am happily married for 15 years, I have a good life and career, then suddenly out of no where I have painful crush on a woman for the first time, I am now confronted with my past I thought was just the past, playing around I thought but it was more of my identity than I thought, now I love my hubby and this woman is not a relationship type but the grief feels real, struggling not to do something stupid.

[NyghtDarkwatch]

I started straight, then null for years after a devastating loss, then lesbian, then now I appreciate all. This after I kept saying, Fall in love/lust with the heart. I hope someday we can ditch the labels, and go with care & respect.

[elizabethprophet]

i can’t thank you enough for this. feeling like u came out ‘too late’ or don’t have enough queer credibility….. god it’s so heavy!! thank you for making so many of us feel less alone

[jhvugdg]

thank you for saying this, I felt seen and heard. I am bi too and experienced this feeling of too "gay" for the straights and not "gay enough" for the queers. What I hate most about it is that I massively wrestled with gender questions for the last 3 years and am taken more serious in queer spaces now that I don't just identify as she/her, but also they/them. It's like they needed to hear that add-on struggle of gender stuff to feel like I'm legit. I still don't feel like I belong there at all. Cause I constantly have this in the back of my mind and wondering: would you be talking to me if I was just telling you I was bi? Genuinely feels like whichever way I go with this, I can't really win. The one thing I am happy about above everything else is that I genuinely love myself and am my own best support.

[jadetea]

Facts. Bisexuality is a cognitive feeling of knowing I have a choice. I take responsibility of my sexual preference.

I have never cheated on my husband. I just want friends in the queer community again that aren't judgmental & like my hobbies.

[DBenz]

I’m a 40 y.o. man who figured out he’s bi just over a month ago, and after learning about how bi men are perceived and ignored and treated, even by the LGBTQ+ community for the first time in my life, I’m actually scared.