Good Qualities In Parents Does Not...

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[SassySlater]

This is what makes it confusing and abusers love victims to be confused

[Bronte]

Patrick I can’t tell you how comforted I feel hearing this from you. The public lie they were perpetuating was so vile I couldn’t describe it. The way EVERYONE condemned me for being so depressed & upset when I had wealthy parents, a beautiful home, church on Sunday, lavish vacations — behind closed doors I had parents who should be spending their lives in prison. I mean that literally. There was not one person who would’ve in a million years said something like this to me. I am very emotional right now. Thank you.

[mikelobrien]

Their selective good behaviors are what makes the cognitive dissonance. They're facing out to many as "the great parents, " and that's why so many people see us as the bad guy for going NC or having any boundaries with them.

[nathalieduverna]

She was a good mom to other children, not her own

[Ouchimoo]

My mother was a social butterfly. Everyone loved her. Except she was an immature bratty teenager in a 30 year old's body who generally couldn't be bothered with the fact that she had children.

Very frustrating that I never could express my issues that she was a bad mother around anyone because I kept getting told that I was just an ungrateful little brat.

You know, who just happened to raise my 5 year old brother, until she came back into his life and let him become self destructive, self harming and an alcoholic at the age of 15 because she needed a drinking buddy.

[JadeoftheGlade]

My dad was/is SUPER materially generous.

I had all the cool stuff as a kid.

Except a dad who was there, and a mom who wasnt crying.

[aminor]

One of the turning points in my life was realizing that toys don't equal good parents.

[MrOlympuse]

Not forgetting the good moments/times of actually being supportive are intentionally used as a cudgel if you dare to call someone out on their behaviour.

"How can you call us abusive, we did x, y, z for you..."

[jnl]

There's a little voice that whispers to me "remember how they used to... You know you do that too. If they're bad, so are you. If you're good, so are they." 😢😢😢

[niomeeabcd]

Thank you!! This was my childhood. My mom called me two days ago, (with an unknown number) after 12 years "just to ask how I am doing" in the most chipper, friendly, casual tone. I was luckily at the doctors and had a reason to end the call after a few sentences, but I already know she will be painting me as a bad daughter and herself as a victim, because I haven't called back yet. I needed to hear your words today.

[xtessa]

This is so relatable with me and my narc golden child sister. I am the family scapegoat.

I am preparing going no contact with my narcissistic parents. But for a while I was concerned and had an inner battle about going no contact with my golden child narcissistic sister as well because I was living in a fantasy that I had a good relationship with her.

I was reminded again recently I don’t. I thought my sister had changed into a good person. But then my sister backstabbed me again recently, and then I was reminded how fast my sister is able to abandon me again.

I was constantly focusing on the fun activities we did. But then she showed her true nature again, bullying me, backstabbing me, overly criticizing me again.

And then I didn’t feel guilty anymore for going no contact with her.

[BurnTheBluestSkies]

This reminds me of one of my friends saying "I know your relationship with your mom is complicated, but I still think she's cool." Because my mom would smoke weed with my friends. And like now I see that immersing herself in my friend group was another feature of her immaturity and another way she deprived me of external support. Compare to a few other friends who felt the need to manage her/get me away from her.

I recognize it now too in another friend's mom, where I was friends with the mom too. But when I lived with them and saw how she treated her daughter, it came down to choosing sides and the choice was pretty obvious. Abusers absolutely use charm to cover and facilitate their abuse.

[sarahdavis]

All true. Didn't realize this was textbook and universal. Helpful to me doesn't even begin to cover it THIS IS FREEING!

[justjules]

I always had a beautiful room, beautiful clothes, a nice home, vacations, dance class, piano class. My parents were charming when they had to be. Inside was verbal abuse, some physical abuse and sexual abuse. I for the most part am still not believed. They were that convincing. My parents were great providers but that’s where it ended.

[lemsip]

That's why I started to have sympathy for children who were given the things I wasn't given but who had abusive parents. Like those given riding or piano lessons.

[thesehandsart]

It doesn't help that they use those positive experiences to gaslight us and to believing that the bad things didn't happen at all, weren't as bad as we say they were, or that we are just too sensitive... And it begins young.

[bryonyvaughn]

Yes!!! People being abused in high status, professional, educated households with parents in community leadership doesn’t leave the children less messed up for being abused. In fact, outside adults are less likely to make a move to protect for and advocate for these kids because, even if they can see the truth through the façade, they have to be willing to through everything away (career, reputations, social standing, etc.) to EVEN TRY to help that one kid.

They could help twenty kids from “bad families” with better results and fewer personal risks. Heck, they could be seen as a hero instead.

The most the abused kid from a “pillar of the community” family might hope for is a secret “I see what’s going on; you’re not crazy” affirmation. If that kid ever says they’re not the crazy one because Person X secretly told them so, Person X is toast and the abused kid will be further isolated and ostracized.

Dang, I didn’t expect that to pour out of me. Time to finish watching the short and see if I needlessly typed out everything that’s about to be said.

[beckymichel]

It made me TOLERANT.
And here I am today pushing the restart button hoping to recreate a life that is joyful. Lucky for me I am pretty patient.

[DJ-svxf]

Nope. Under the age of 7 I kept running into couples who said "I feel sorry for their kids" right after talking to my parents. It took me awhile to realize they were talking about me and my siblings.

[tepsaki]

This is a mindblowing fact. This is me and the source of my codependency. I had a emotionally supportive father except when drunk or severly depressed. My mom kept the household up and running but didn't see mee and tried to make me be like her and was shaming and criticizing when I didn't meet her expectations. And my brother was her golden boy. 😮‍💨