What Is It to Be Emotionally Mature: Part Two

FURTHER READING

“Emotional maturity is a state few of us ever reach - or at least not for very long. But it may help us to try to lay out what some of the ingredients are so that we have an idea what we might aim for:

If we were to grow into emotionally mature people, this is some of what we would have learnt how to be:
- We would strive to understand the specific ways in which our childhoods had made us crazy. We would accept that most of what we are is shaped by relatively small events that unfold before we are ten. We would find a good therapist.
- We would notice the patterns. Perhaps we wouldn't need to keep trying to impress older figures of authority; or to fall in love with distant people who were involved with someone else. We would acquire a (low-resolution) map of our neuroses.
- There would be a little more delay between feeling something and having to act on it. We might even at times simply observe a feeling and do nothing.
- We could bear to listen. We would no longer cut across and say, ‘That reminds me of something…’ just as another person started to share their story. We would soothe our own wounded egos into silence, look warmly into their eyes and say, ‘Tell me more, this sounds so interesting…’
- Fewer people would strike us as being either very good or very bad; we would sense the struggle in everyone to keep afloat. We would judge that we were all a mixture of the good-hearted and the egoistic. We would have less of an impulse to stone wrongdoers.
- We would take measures to stay pessimistic about how things turn out; we would remind ourselves on an hourly basis that all relationships are riven with pain, all business ventures are maddening, and all families are demented. We wouldn't feel so persecuted; this is how things universally are (it's just that other people carefully omit to speak about it). We would get less hopeful and - therefore - less bitter and less furious. Of course, things are often slightly disastrous, of course, we have made some terrible mistakes, of course, we have been betrayed and treated badly. It would all feel eminently and supremely normal...”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Hannah O’Brien

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[WovenPsychology]

That brief moment where you catch yourself before saying something rude or discompassionate is very powerful. Everyone is going through something and there is hardly ever a reason not to think before your speak.

[ingrid]

This was so compassionate. Like a friend or a parent telling me I’m doing ok and to stop being so hard on myself. If only my inner voice can be as compassionate and gentle as this.

[samibraheem]

I'm 34 years old and I am doing exactly the opposite of these things, I wish I could stop being bitter and angry at the world all the time
EDIT: Thank you so much for your kind words, thos really encourages me to be better

[Leo-mrqz]

I know a woman who is 69 years old and travels continuously, by herself or with friends. She stays on the move! She hikes in Yosemite to taking sailing trips in the Bay.

I was speaking with her the other day, and she was saying that her younger sister was complaining about not being able to do too much because of her age. It drove this woman nuts! She said to me that she is unable to move and do such things because she hasn't done so in such a long time. She puts limitations on herself. 😮

She is a wise woman. As Tom Petty once said, "Some grow young, and some grow cold." ❤

[owenkariuki]

I’m turning 25 in four weeks and I’m glad I clicked on this video. I resonated powerfully with the fact that life happens;disappointment is normal and there is no manual to life, thus easing any worry or anxiety over situations in my life that otherwise feel particular and awfully personal and tragically insurmountable.Thank you 😊

[Ava-ocdg]

We would start to get it right if we lived a thousand years. lol. The older I get the wiser I get the more I see those mistakes and have regrets. But I do have more peace and acceptance even with the regrets.

[leightonolsson]

I think we are always plagued with childish emotions, but growing up and achieving emotional maturity is about learning to shut those emotions down with logic, awareness and empathy. After time and wisdom they become faint and weak whispers. One shouldn't feel guilty for a pang of jealousy or suspicion, however the tools to shut it down with an 'adult' response the emotion that it is misplaced and borne from fear is more productive than being merely self reproachful.

[SearchOfSelf]

Getting older, I see my mistakes clearer. Regrets, sure, but also more chill about life. It's a weird mix.

[kimberknutson]

Brilliant, deep, trenchant, concise, wise, intelligent, funny, and just plain excellent. Thank you so much, School of Life. I really appreciate you. : )

[_MC]

Absolute class of a video to start the year. Adored this channell for may years now... Keep going please!❤

[robbert]

Thank you The School of Life and Alain. You are doing very important work. The videos are always worthwile!

[_wreckage]

The School Of Life helped me so much in life and relationships. I wait every Wednesday for a new video.

[matambale]

Yet another level is in not responding to someone else's emotionally immature fit with your very own.

[vatoloco]

Wow, I will definitely be coming back to this video. Crazy just how relevant it is to the events I experienced today and how it gave me a better, humorous option on handling it that I would've never figured out myself. Thank you so much for this, as I am learning every day.

[LaceyJuk]

All of these things I struggle with. I hope it's at least something to have the self-awareness that I'm struggling.

[TinyDaftCarrot]

I have been getting way better at all of this, and was so happy, managed to deal even with difficult situations and break up maturely until a couple of days ago when they overworked me, but i also exhausted myself with the festivities and just lost it. I feel so disappointed in myself even though I know it journey of ups and downs, improving oneself, but I really thought this feeling was behind me and that i won't have to deal with it again

[unconditionalfreedom]

well yes.. and... one could notice what seemed to be "wrong" had to be to learn. If one is bitter over their past it just means they did Not learn the lesson yet... So it will Re-peat and so on....

[nizasiamehenry]

To be emotionally mature one should understand that one's adult life is anchored on childhood events

[Shemal.JustAnotherShrink]

Is there anyone I can get in touch with to seek permission to translate these two videos? A lot of people here in India need to hear these words in a native language.

[vidhyasivram]

When I started watching this video, it had 10, 117 views. At the end of the video, 10, 271 views! What a delight to see the increase in count of the views.
The School of Life has been my favourite source on the internet and will continue to do so!