Emotional Intelligence: Improving Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, and Empathy | Being Well Podcast

Emotional intelligence is considered an essential trait for everything from being a desirable romantic partner to having a successful career. But what do we really mean when we say “emotional intelligence,” and how can we become emotionally intelligent over time? In today’s episode @RickHanson and I explore emotional intelligence, including what’s “in” it, balancing emotional closeness and distance, and how we can become more self-aware, self-regulated, and empathic.

Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:35 What’s emotional intelligence?
4:20 Curiosity, care, and rational vs. emotional decision making
9:40 The five domains of emotional intelligence
11:30 Courage
19:00 Competence, capacity, and application
24:10 Anger, and discerning wants and needs
25:55 Self-awareness
30:00 The stories we are drawn to
33:10 Empathy
45:15 Self-regulation
49:40 Widening the space
52:35 The feelings beneath the feelings
53:55 Feeling overwhelmed by others, boundaries, and differentiation
1:02:20 Recap

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[peacefulisland]

As Rick shared his experience with his first girlfriend, it occurred to me that the fear of saying "I love you" to another human being likely stems from literal self-preservation. Imagine the shock to one's system at losing loved ones to war, famine or disease.
It may be our systems' way of preventing extreme mental injury or even "death" to be cautious in expressing love.
And it's generational.
Toughest work we'll ever do but the most beneficial.

🙏

[anjelinededios]

Your podcast is not only clear and informative, but also soothing and encouraging. Really inspired by your familial/collegial interaction with your dad. Thank you Forrest!

[mastersinmenopause]

Hahaha! Forrest you crack me up! As empathetic as I am, I am acutely aware that sometimes I am the asshole! 😂


Seriously though, this was a deep and multilayered podcast. Emotions helped me quit a job I really needed to quit and go back to school to get my master's degree.

Thank you Forrest and Dr. Rick. I will be listening to this one over and over again!

[karenbird]

I loved this episode! I got a lot out of it! It was the perfect explanation of the arc of psychological healing. As usual Forrest translated all the depth and vastness of the psycho analytical content that Rick relayed so smoothly, in a relatable way! You guys are the perfect team! You are both so generous, and emote such a strong desire to be helpful and effective with the information you share.
Thank you! ❤

[omniscent]

"All of this is true and I'm still okay." Likewise, "I love you and I can't save you" - takeaway phrases from this podcast 😂

I think this is very helpful for the anxious, thank you for what you do 🙏

[jeangraham]

When Rick explains things, and I've done some years of reading in this field..starting with the book "emotional intelligence' - afterwards I believe I get-it. Then comes Forrest with whole new and greatly more awarenesses that never crossed my mind.
As a 'Trekie' I believe Forrest goes beyond "where no man has gone before".

[CreativeArtandEnergy]

This is a huge topic. I had this experience of going from thinking I was highly emotionally intelligent and being told that, to having all this collapse of my communication around CPTSD and going into a doubt of whether I can pinpoint specific emotions very well, it’s been a grief around rebuilding empathy boundaries. I appreciate you hitting all these topics that are so relevant and complex.

[RainbowVegansRock]

I've just discovered your channel a few weeks ago and I love it, when you were talking about Vulcans and emotions I relate to that a lot. I enjoy listening to you both talk about this, it helps me to figure out what I need to work more on. Keep up the good work!!

[elizabethash]

I really enjoyed this banter between you both on feelings, emotions and regulation and self expression. I guess we need a go to for emotional expression, perhaps involving music, movement, art, creative writing. These ways of expression might appear as we become more in tune with ourselves.😊

[Alphacentauri]

I've often said that curiosity is part of emotional intelligence.
Interesting that the host, Forrest, implies that extroversion has something to do with being curious. I find that often introverts are more curious and observant, while the extroverts aren't tuning in/sitting with, theirs/and other's emotions as well. It's not all/nothing, but I certainly wouldn't say that extroverts are more curious, or more emotionally intelligent.
Also, it is interesting, having studied psychology for 30 years, and now pursuing a neuroscience degree...that while Forrest is very knowledgeable, he sometimes has blind spots, agendas, that he seems very unaware of. His father is so patient, so calm, with it all. I really respect him & not over correcting his son, and just letting it be.

[JeremyThomas_Environmentarian]

Thanks Forest. I just signed up on Patreon as as a Wellness Advocate as I get so much from your podcasts. They are amazing.

[lilyneva]

Thank you Forrest and Rick for this brilliant episode and for all your work making this information more accessible, and for so generously modeling what secure attachment looks like, and for being so candid in general.

Your podcast always feels to me like an intimate, lovely dinner party with the two of you and a few friends. I always walk home from those dinners feeling reinvigorated and hopeful.

This episode was immensely interesting to me. One thing it made me think about was to what extent it is appropriate to consider someone emotionally intelligent if they are easily overwhelmed by their own and others’ emotions but lack skills when it comes to regulating, communicating boundaries, etc. (like the example-person at the end).

To me, these questions/this subject is like 99 percent of my existence. My attachment patterning is fearful-avoidant leaning anxious.

I essentially am the example person in the last question. I think it could be helpful to me and many others, irrespective of their attachment style, if you could make an episode about those things Rick touched on at the end. Personally, so much of my energy is consumed by my reacting to other people that I have little left for trying to understand what my own feelings are signaling or for trying to convince myself I deserve to take care of myself, etc.

What makes it harder is that I don’t have a social support system, am not in touch with my family of origin, and at the moment can’t seem to create new relationships. It becomes a vicious circle.

Often, my relationships follow a very similar pattern, and usually, they end abruptly because the pain or discomfort is so overwhelming to me that I feel unable to have any contact with the person again. This makes me feel - and literally be - very lonely and it also means I have not been able to get the appropriate help to work with these things.

I am trying to teach myself and practice tolerating things like conflict in relationships or even eye contact when someone has hurt my feelings, but it is harder than I know how to describe. It is as if in those situations, I am naked and skinless. It activates my sympathetic nervous system so fast that there is no time for me to try to widen ‘the gap between stimuli and response’ before disassociation sets in.

Even though my reactions are unusual in how overwhelming they are, I think codependency in a broader sense is common, and maybe enmeshment as well.

[elizabethash]

It is important to have both parents to be emotionally intelligent. One of my parents had high narcicistic traits and low empathy. The cognitive dissonance affected me in my childbearing years and I didnt have children, as I believed so much in the expression of love, and I thought my children might be like my unloving parent. I remained single and now struggle with my childlessnes. It is a difficult one.🌸🌼👪

[italythroughmyeyes]

I love your interactions with your Dad!

[leahboydmathis]

Unless I'm in check with myself and have all my skillZ and boundaries in place, I am that hypothetical person. It's an intense life . I appreciate the skills Rick offered up. ❤

[SkinnyMinnie]

Hi Forrest! Love your podcast. I wonder if you have any materials or plan on doing a podcast on workaholism. I'd be very interested in that. Thanks so much for all the work you and Rick do!

[scrubtoast]

Great topic. Thank you for taking a whole person approach to this important area of development for being human 😊

[jeangraham]

Wow I was impressed with so many insites I never realized when I read ''emotional intelligence' twice at the time it first came out.
Then, not even half way through 'the cast' you describe dealing with 'how we pop-out". What amazing insite that I do not recall even seeing in the book.
I am not sure how much your podcasts are a mark of how much I've developed and changed (since that time) or how much the world has developed and changed.
Always very enlightening... thank you.

[ginaiosef]

Lovely video ! You are two brilliant gentlemen,   and I mean gentle,   above all your qualities! I love when you're speaking about yourselves assuming qualities or non of others,   to empathize better.  Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says it takes 96 seconds to let a circuit to run, when it goes by itself, like when someone is triggered, and than let it go. She says "we have the power to choose moment by moment who we want to be in the world" and I think this is amazing. I love your videos and the work behind them, your emotional contribution mostly.  Most of everything,   I love and appreciate that you are father and son! ❤️
Thank you so much!

[Lorobain]

Love it when Rick (brilliantly) discombobulates the plan!😊