My Biggest Regret About My Childhood

My biggest regret about my childhood is not what happened to me, but what I lost - my true self.

Many childhood trauma survivors grew up like me in families that freely crossed kindness boundaries and easily cut people down.

The commonality in how families behave like this, usually modeled by a parent, is disregard for how our words and behaviors impact others. In addition, we project childhood perpetrators onto others in our present lives—especially those who are close to us.

I've spent most of my life in recovery, reclaiming a sense of how I impact others and reclaiming kindness. Unfortunately, many childhood trauma survivors, if we are being honest, are self-consumed when triggered and are highly defended. We grew up with adults like this.

My lack of kindness manifested in always being dissatisfied or disgusted with others. Both disappointment and disgust were unprocessed buried feelings from my childhood that drove much of my energy around intimacy.

You will resonate with this if you have ever been preoccupied and reacted on others from any following:

Looking for problems in the other to keep ourselves safe.
Looking for ways the other will disappoint you.
Looking for ways the other is being thoughtless or oblivious.
Looking for ways the other isn't listening to you.
Looking for ways the other is potentially hiding, lying, or being cowardly.

Can you apply those statements to your parents' behaviors while growing up?

Some survivors never used the unkind fight response as a strategy and never lost their kindness—or had too much of it, which is for another post.

I don't believe I was born unkind; it is not my true nature. However, I take full responsibility for how I sabotaged relationships and attacked those close to me in intimacy and otherwise. I try to live a living amends in how I am with others. My regret is healthy.

I see many survivors who are unaware of what they bring to their relationships because they are stuck in defending themselves, operating in a vacuum, and unaware of how they make others feel.

It's important to explore what we are like when defended and whether we cause any damage. So many of us are trying to break cycles, which involves embracing honesty and accountability. I believe a part of us knows we know we are being unkind and we are fighting our family legacy and values.

My family taught me to value telling others off and having the higher ground over another person's feelings and connection with me.

We have to choose what we really value. What do you think?

#childhoodtrauma #fightresponse #kindness #intimacy #compassion

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[dkhbskdnrr]

Im the opposite. My trauma made me too kind, too nice. And the world is too cruel for someone like that. It’s wild out there. It’s like animal kingdom. and I want to change.

[wwbit]

Difficult to be kind to others when you don't know how to be kind to yourself first.

[lisaflowers]

True. It's hard to be kind or trusting, when the ones who were supposed to nurture you, made a game out of emotionally or physically hurting you. 😞

[lynnc]

It made me overly empathetic to others.
And it made me hate myself.
Love and strength on your journey to healing. ❤

[aishai]

I find that I’m unkind when I get defensive. Which happens when I get triggered. I’m really working on this because it is not how I want to show up in the world.

[LynshereeEastman]

I hate when I catch myself acting like the people that hurt me most

[AlaskaWRX]

When we don’t treat ourselves kindly first, we end up even more frustrated and angry. The more compassion I learn to have for myself, the more the anger melts and then there’s more kindness to go around.

[MEM]

Trauma has made me very centered on self. I'm a kind and loving person by nature, but so much of who I am has been marred that what I have left is for a selected few. I work toward extending kindness with strangers when it feels safe to do so, while not beating myself up when I fall short. I'm only human.

[sarahmarie]

This is so true. As an adult, I have so much regret for how mean I was to my brother. Our family life with chaotic and my dad especially was really mean to me- specifically only me. My brother was the golden child, so I was so mean to him. he resents me a lot for it, and I hate it happened that way.

[PsicoReligión]

Feel you bro. Sometimes Is difficult to see other humans as family and not enemies. Sometimes they are both

[juliah]

It made me too forgiving, and too irritable, and too quick to anger, and too socially awkward and anxious, and a bit of a loner. Unkind moreso when I was younger, but I thought that behavior was normal. 😮 Much love to all of my fellow survivors. Keep moving forward. ❤

[roralyn]

Proud of us for finding our way back ) :)

[lapislazuliphoenix]

People pleasers are over the top nice little doormats. That has been my life. Trying to stop being overly nice so I don't get used, abused, abandoned or deeply hurt again. I was too afraid of consequences (being in trouble, getting physically attacked, or abandoned) to be unkind to anyone. Deathly afraid of other's anger; can't be mean. Held it all in, didn't let the rage show! Still never accepted or had friends. 😢

[Meowzie]

I was so twisted up in my mother's narcissism, well on my way to becoming just like her, and now looking back, I regret not being a better (protective) siste to my younger siblings. My entrenchment in the narcissist world really affected my relationship with them and now that I'm healing I see that. I am working on soothing that younger version of me because she was a CHILD and should never have been in that situation to begin with, let alone handle it properly. On top of that, I have a strained relationship with them now because I'm healing and they're not interested in that yet.

[yjc]

I find that I can be unkind, strict, and mean to myself oftentimes. But I find myself doing the opposite for other people. I can trace this back to my dad calling me selfish ever since I was little and forcing me to suit to his needs while giving up my own, making me become a people pleaser.

[catjack]

“My biggest regret about my childhood is that it made me unkind.” *Only* *to* *MYSELF* 😔

[nathalieduverna]

To myself. Deprogramming all this mess.has made me realize what I truly do like and don't like.

[mariadodds]

I really get that. We can't give what we haven't received. If we grow up in financial poverty we would not be able to hand out decent amounts of money. There would be a financial blockage. Our deficiency was unconditional love, emotional safety and a feeling of worth. We can overcome past mistakes by knowing better and living authentic lives.

[juliaanderson]

I really get you on this one. My mom, when upset, and that was a lot, was not kind either. Recently I had a very awful, frustrating day with medical staff and not getting any help answers or for my dilemma. I was not kind when advocating for my husband. I’m a retired RN. I was kind almost all the time and would seek to help even if I couldn’t personally, answer questions or directly help. To not get that from others baffles me. Unfortunately my mother came out of my mouth and I got really upset and demanding. 😢 I’m still very upset with myself for not handling myself better.

[crystalcole]

The person that I have to be to survive and achieve in an environment filled with narcissists is not a person I am proud of being. I have to be phony, I have to lie, I have to manipulate, I have to maneuver. I have to to survive. And it hurts me right down to my core. But there is no other way. You can't be honest and vulnerable with liars and cheats. You can't be genuine with predators. You have to use their methods to defeat them. And I hate it.