'What's the Point in Dating?'

In today's video, we explore a reddit post where the poster feels like they can't heal from their past relationship experiences. Dr K starts off the discussion by introducing what The Peter principle is, and how this principle underscores the importance of continual self-awareness and communication in romantic relationships to ensure alignment and mutual growth.

Breaking down why something of importance can actually make being successful in it extremely difficult, and thus Dr K goes into how we can make things like dating stop holding so much weight and start succeeding in the things we value. Next be breaks down expectations of our values and how the reality of them may lead to us failing.

▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:25 - Reddit Post
01:50 - The Peter principle
06:40 - Importance and success
09:38 - How to make dating less important
15:42 - What does a relationship mean?
23:24 - Removing people who are too good for you
26:34 - “Work on yourself”
29:37 - Negative emotional experiences
32:38 - Cognitive biases
35:34 - Conclusion
37:20 - Thank you to our members!

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Healthy Gamer is an online community and resource platform for gamers and their families. It does not provide medical services or professional counselling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care. Our coaches are peer supporters, not professionally trained experts, and they cannot provide medical service. If you or a loved one are experiencing an emergency, please call your nation's emergency telephone number.

All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.

#dating #mentalhealth #healthygamergg

[ShadowOfMachines]

To me dating has been something other people do. I can't even begin to imagine anyone being actively involved in my life, let alone dating them.

[greenesthue]

28 and have never been on a date. Im so intimacy deprived that if someone were to even just give me a hug i'd break down.
God i hate my life.

[midwinter]

"half our training is in diagnosing the problem correctly" - Dr K. "Knowing is half the battle" - GI Joe.

[Tikitorch]

Dating really boils down to luck. Most people you meet will not be compatible with your values and beliefs and you just need to get better at recognizing that early on with the people you spend your time with.

[bossg]

When I like them they don't like me, when they like me I don't like them.

-Story of my life

[Cuy_King]

Dating in today's landscape feels like squidward bashing his head on the cash register while Patrick takes forever to order a krabby patty

[drkblu]

Parents pressured me into not dating in high school, saying that i shouldn't think ahout it till college. Couldn't afford college, so I went to trade school, now working full time as a machine operator. To say I feel behind is an understatement. I have basically no social life because of my job, and I have basically zero irl friends. I'm 20 now, and I'm convinced I'm just going to be stuck for at least 5 years.

[SweatyDamocles]

Being invisible and worthless in a society that wasn't built for you is painful, it makes you want to disappear for real.

[Nostrand]

I feel completely and utterly exhausted after work. I can't even imagine having a successful, healthy relationship while balancing the all-consuming stress I feel daily. Finding someone special, spending my life with them, and having a family was my number one hope when I got out of school, but the constant push to climb the career totem pole to one day sustain that dream has been soul-sucking. I need a new career.

[koko]

I hate the advice to "not worry about dating and it will come to you." I was single for over a decade, never had a relationship, and even though it was something I knew I wanted I really wasn't too concerned about it. I then unexpectedly got into a relationship (my first ever) and it felt SO GOOD! We dated for several months and I was starting to think this could lead to marriage one day, but she ended it abruptly saying it just "felt off" with no other explanation. Now I feel like this is the only thing I want that can bring real meaning back into my life, and when people tell me "not to worry about it and it will come" I just think, isn't that what I was doing before? I just imagine going another decade+ of being single and alone, but this time really knowing what I'm missing out on and being miserable about it.

[GreiverFenix]

As someone with an abusive childhood, Coach nailed it. I intentionally picked partners who were not good for me and I just kept repeating a toxic cycle with diffrent people. Only once I started therapy and working on my self esteem, did the importance of dating diminish and I started meeting people who were better for me. 100%

[luisalfonso]

"All those red flags?... Personality quirks"

Had me laughing for a few minutes, not gonna lie lol

[johnrivers]

I'll admit I was a bit dumbfounded when you brought up that,

"if you have a problem, bring it up in therapy, a lot of people don't do this"

and then I remembered that was me when I first started going to therapy. I would just complain about the same thing over and over again but I never did the work outside of therapy to try and get better. I just thought that attending the sessions alone was enough.

Now I try to go into each session with a problem to address and a goal to achieve for the next session. I've made a lot of progress doing this approach.

[winston]

Super true. And I can speak from the first hand experience of wanting to date more than anything, being extremely lonely and then finding someone and actually doing it- I found someone pretty good for me, and felt okay for the first couple weeks or so but over time the excitement wears off and the empty parts of you are left unanswered. Keep growing and putting yourself out there but don't act like one thing will solve your problems or make you happy. Your priority in life should not be an attainable thing, it should be your values and the way you want to live your life. Goals can be separate.

[UltraChongkak]

>"Just don't care bro"
>10 more years pass of no dates
T-thanks Dr. K...

[Brambrew]

20:55
"discount all the people that would lead to a good relationship"
Naw dude you don't understand
Most of us have never had the opportunity to reject anyone because no one has _ever_ wanted us in the first place

(Edit) you know what dude, fuq it I'm gonna pursue people who I think are waaay out of my league. You inspire me.

[eefnvtb]

26:56 I feel like this is something the internet really needs to learn and internalize. There's so much advice out that about interpersonal issues where people chime in like "do all these things yourself" and zero appreciation for the fact that, sometimes, "other people" need to be a part of the healing process as well. So much easier to just make the person asking for help completely responsible for their situation and chide them for not being independently capable enough.

[MadnessRealm]

The point about people coming up with an imaginary idea of relationship is something I've definitely noticed from other people in online dating. It's like a lot of people have developed this expectation that dating involves the other person doing all the work to woo and entertain them without ever stopping to wonder what they should be offering in return. It's part of why, especially in online dating, conversations often feel so one-sided even if you try to ask people about the very things they claim to love. It's just really weird.

[HoangRoxXD]

I’m 25 and I had a lot of trouble with dating and intimacy when I was in my early 20s. What I found out is that getting dates and going out with people became easier once I decided to stop focusing on finding a relationship and instead focused on just living my life and actually trying to enjoy it. I find it very important to be present with everyone around you. I’ve learned a lot of life lessons from just interacting with the world rather than hung up on my own personal failures. People are more drawn to those that don’t care about how others think and just being your authentic self. Focus on enjoying the world, working out, have a genuine smile on your face. Whether bars, clubs, stores, parks, hiking trails, etc. I try to socialize with everyone and try to learn something from them because everyone has their own story that could be valuable for you.

[varnishyourboard]

Three years ago I had one meaningful relationship from ages 43-45 and it was the best experience of my life. Taking SSRIs, did TMS and currently doing Ketamine treatments to try and get over it. Fix this early people, or a lifetime of pain is ahead of you.