When There is No Spark in an Early Relationship

Can you have a healthy relationship if there is no spark? Here's 3 things you should ask yourself if you like the relationship but aren't feeling that "chemistry."

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, specializing in intimacy, parenting, body image, and relationships.

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[theguynextdoor]

Also, another valuable lesson life has taught me is that the women I had a "crazy spark" and instant chemistry were often crazy. They were love bombing, sex was great and everything seemed too good to be true. Usually, these relationships were short-lived, and the women tended to be quite narcissistic and crazy. Long term compatibility and basic attraction matters more than instant gratification and crazy chemistry.

[tateasaurusrex]

To all the women that tell you they aren’t interested instead of ghosting, mad respect!

[santaclaus]

I am going through this right now. Im a 33 year old guy and I've been seeing a 28 year old woman who is the kindest most loving and caring woman I've ever met. She is exactly what I would want for a future (marriage, kids). The problem is, I dont feel a crazy spark like I have in the past with other relationships and its really been bothering me. I dont want to end the relationship because she has all the qualities im looking for. I dont understand why I don't feel a crazy passion for her.

[PS-xbhc]

Thank you so much for debunking the myth of romantic love. I think many people forget how important is to share common values and goals more than a simple spark that will eventually die. And please don't get me wrong...attraction is important most definitely but not everything. If people will consider that maybe we will have less divorces....just an idea.

[Iveta]

Well, I definitely agree with getting to know person. However, I feel like sometimes we keep hoping romantic feelings will developt... And how long you can continue seeing the person, without hurting him/her?

I have been seeing this quite great guy, felt safe in his embrace, yet my mind was not happy that we don't vhave the same energy, fun... You know, when it is just so natural to be around, embrace, laught? We definitely could joke around, but there as always this tension about hugging, kisses... In the end, he said he can't continue if I am not sure. And I was still not sure after a few months. And it hurt, because I keep thinking - I want it to work, he is a great guy, I want to love and be loved... Perhaps I just needed a friend, human connection. So, now, I am back working on my co-dependancy, past relationship blockages and depression. Love will happen for me. Just not right now :)

[rodolfoaraujo]

im going through this right now, im in a relationship of 6 years and my fiancé is now getting scared because there is no spark and we were supposed to get married within the next month or two. now everything is up in the air because there is no spark though everything else is fine and we are compatible and make a great team.

[Lovesrunfree]

What do I do? He’s a good guy it’s been one year together, but the spark is not there like it should be and it never really was. Our relationship is safe and very friendly after my last relationship, which was a trauma. I just don’t feel the passion like I thought I would. He’s the person I want to talk too, but I don’t feel a romantic/physical pull to him.

[ANGELSVEN]

I dated someone i didn't have a spark with. On the first date, I knew it wouldn't work. I told him i saw us as friends. He yelled at me and got very angry! He didn't realize I had just given him the gift of respect by being upfront and honest with him. Most people wouldn't have done what I did.

[Marrta]

When you asked:"What makes this person void of a spark?", answers started to pop in my mind. Now I am wondering should we tell each other what the other does/doesn't have that causes the lack of a spark? Would that help us understand each other, and possibly create more spark (especially if we tried to change those things about ourselves)? Or would it just make us a bit insecure about those characteristics we have, which kill the spark for the other person?
The situation is, a few months ago I started dating a guy I texted with for a long time (it's a long distance between us). We see each other once a month, but we talk a lot every, or almost every day. We both said we feel like there is not so much chemistry between us, as it was for him with his ex, or for me with the guy before him. However, we get along extremely well, we share the same values and opinions about important things, we both believe we could play a big role in each other's lives, it's just that our minds are more connected than "our chemicals".
I will be really thankful if you answer. :)

[MariaV]

You should be attracted (not only physically) to somebody and you should be exited about this person. To me that is what I describe as a spark. There is some feeling that wants you to go om more dates with this person

[DallasRico]

This has been so helpful. Thank you for sharing.

[millennialaffirmations]

In an effort to have healthy dating experiences, I've been going on dates with guys I am not that attracted too but their personality ends up pushing me away for good. It is so complicated!

[kathleenfarris]

Best advice on this topic yet! Thank you.

[tangerinefizz]

Why date someone you're not attracted to, to begin with? The spark may eventually fizzle, but at least it's fun while it lasts.

[glittereagle]

Good questions to ask. I liked your approach because it honors the feelings of both people

[nathalie]

There needs to be a tiny spark… if there is nothing I skip. I don’t feel like dating a guy where I feel 🤢

[sxicarleen]

What if I've lost the spark due to him being way too clingy and obsessive to the point I've spoke to him about this and he still persists can i really work this out. As before he made me happy but the past few weeks i have now got the ick and don't want to hear from him at all

Thanks x

[travelsizearchitect]

I was wondering what is from the other side - when the man says after a lovely first date (when there was a lot to talk about, all going well, and then he even suggests to meet again) and just ghosts after that for a week just to give you a polite reply later that "spark is missing". does that literally mean that you are not sexually attractive for him and he is just being nice?

[karinanikoghos]

I am in a 2 year relationship with the nicest and kindest man ever who is the opposite of my dad and I find it hard to keep the attraction going as he is-too kind. How can fix this?

[CR-vcwt]

We have a greattt connection while talking on phone but somehow the sparks not there when we meet in person . Why is this happening? We met 4 times in total inva months time. And now am scared to meet him again