Autism and Shutting Down - My Experience with Shutdowns as an Autistic Adult

I'm an Autistic adult, and that means sometimes life, and the world around me, can be overwhelming. When I am overwhelmed, I may meltdown, or shut down.

People talk a lot about Autistic meltdowns, I think, because they are noticeable and can be more of an air quotes, "inconvenience on other people".

A lot of people, who are not Autistic, might not understand what it's like to shut down, as an Autistic Person, so I wanted to share that with you today.

ID: Lyric, a pale skinned nonbinary person with short green, teal, purple, pink, orange, and yellow hair with shaved sides and jet black roots is sitting outside in a wooded camp sight, their beige RV can be seen behind them. They are wearing a neon yellow shirt with a bright neon colored mermaid on it. The words "Autistic Shutdowns" floats in front of them in pale teal and green letters.

Patreon members and YouTube channel members had access to this video on June 23, 2022. The video’s public release will be Aug 31, 2022.

Help me get the word out!!! If you like what I do, and would like more, please consider subscribing on Patreon. This blog is made possible by support from readers like YOU! (Sharing my content is also, equally helpful!)

Subscribe on Patreon (or YouTube) to get access to more unreleased videos NOW. (As of Aug 29th I have videos scheduled through all of October already).

On Patreon subscription is "pay what you can" starting at $1 a month (less if you subscribe annually).

I would love to have you. 💜
- Lyric

It's important that we all understand, that as Autistic People, there is not a unified autistic experience. We all have different opinions and very different experience, and I think it's great to share those things.

If you're a NeuroTypical watching, remember that this is just my experience as a NeuroDivergent Person.

Hopefully, this video will inspire other NeuroDivergent People to share their experiences as well, how they relate, and maybe even do not relate in the comments below.

I encourage you to listen to, and read, as many Autistic experiences as possible to best understand Autistic People.

I would LOVE to see more Autism vlogs by #ActuallyAutistic People.

On the web:

[StitchesLovesRats]

I find shutdowns quite cathartic. I just go blank and I don't need to mask. I just go numb and silent and nobody sees me.

[enterbeing]

I...am so grateful for your vulnerable and courageous sharing. I...feel what you offer as life-support for me, as an autistic trans nonbinary person. I am currently experiencing a shutdown following an intense emotional conversation...and to feel/experience/see your video right in this moment has felt like...a divine gift. When I hear you, too, share about your mind going in all different directions (words imprecise here), I feel a deep recognition and reaching out to connect in the ether space of like "yeah omg me too." But I've always experienced it in these incredibly beautiful ways, like ongoing, ever-present hologramatic webs of constellations...and it's magical...and...that I struggle so much to articulate it or when I try to put them in the "just right" words trying over and over again to be understood--and then not...it feels like, I think you used here the word box or something. It feels very isolating. So, genuinely, thank you. Thank you for you. Thank you for what you offer here. And more importantly/always, thank you for existing. -marne

[OtakuGunsoNY]

I probably had shutdowns more so than meltdowns. Because of how my parents were, melting down wasn't much of an option with them

[ZawadiNyongo]

I'm moving through a meltdown right now and rapidly approaching full shutdown. It's all consuming. I feel desperate. Everything in me wants to FLEE and find a safe place to ride the wave where I won't have to deal with any additional triggers and stressors. You have just described and explained what I have been struggling to desperately articulate to my partner. Now I can just share this video. So glad I found this. Thank you so much.

[darkhalf]

Thank you for sharing so much.
As an anxiety sufferer and a guy who is tall and heavy set, when I feel backed into a corner, I yell and swear. i am very aware of the damage I can do with my rage. i am a gentle giant the moments when I have lost control and actually hit someone, I have broken down in tears because it means I have lost the control I pride myself on.
47 years recently finding I am definitely on the spectrum listening to you makes me realise this has been with me all my life.

[Catlily]

I think meltdowns are more embarrassing but are not so bad since I learned to tell people close to me that I am not angry at them that I am just angry at the situation.
Mild shutdowns aren't too bad. Maybe easier than a shutdown if I am with someone understanding. But horrible shutdowns mixed with PTSD are really bad. I have trouble talking and feel like harming myself. I don't want to be alone because of PTSD but I am not in any shape to be around people. I have run off before when I get in these states. They really are like a mix between PTSD and autism I think.

[elliedragon]

I shutdown mostly. My meltdowns happen most when I've been shutdown for too long already. 🎶Conceal, don't feel. Make one wrong move and everyone will know.🎶 And then my brain goes E on the shutdown gage and I'm suddenly losing my shit.

[pagingdr.barlow]

Thank you! Always insightful. Shut downs feel a lot like disassociation to me, and they always mean a meltdown is coming. It’s like my brain goes “freeze this until we can thaw and explode properly”.

[jimiwills]

Yup. I've shutdown in the workplace, at the shops (in the store if you're USA), and I've had meltdowns trying to parent :( I would feel better with meltdowns if I wasn't hitting myself in the head in front of my kids. I've also run... But then meltdown anyway!

Love your videos

[solenej]

I find the urge to run, but I often get stuck and end up shutting down because I feel stuck in a position I can’t manage

[adventuresofd-day]

I found you easy to follow. You were honest, spoke from the heart and I think you got it pretty spot on. Sometimes I find it hard to articulate what is happening to me with meltdowns and shutdowns. You explained it quite well.

Thank you for recording this…it’s all part of our story…it’s how the language of autism is being translated and taught and it is beautiful.

[kayliehansen]

I have to be social today. Everyone is worried about me because I'm deep in burnout and I'm not myself. My plan is to go for 45 min to an hour, then go all by myself to the aquarium and sit in front of the octopus enclosure for 3 hours in total silence.

[GeekNArtist]

Sometimes, I have a combination of both, in that I have a dissociative disorder and go into an alternate personality and "become someone else." Sometimes, I have screaming meltdowns or I start going on a tirade and saying things that have upset my parents. My shutting down looks more like switching into an alter ego or other persona, which is what qualifies me for an OSDD diagnosis.

[Unapologetic_Neurodivergent]

I tend to have more meltdowns, but yes I have shutdowns on occasion. Usually my shutdowns happen after I am completely exhausted. Like if I just went on a grocery shopping trip, I may have a shutdown. And I often have a shutdown AFTER I've had a meltdown. If I can escape the situation, I will try to do that, but I still often end up melting down or shutting down.

My triggers are similar to yours - sensory overload, communication issues, very intense emotion etc.

[ad]

i can’t seem to tell if i have meltdowns which probably means i either don’t or i’m forgetting them. i do think withdrawing and then finding a cramped dark space is my go-to for when things change and i can’t handle it

[jamistardust]

When I shutdown, i go into a dissociative state of This usually leaves me numb afterwards and I usually breakdown emotionally afterwards. So, I avoid situations that may have stressors if I can. I have had meltdowns, but very few. When I have a meltdown it's physical and ugly. I've thrown people across a room. The meltdowns scare me so it takes a lot to get there, but some people just keep poking Me, until I reach my breaking point. It occurs when people repeatedly and intentionally continue being aggressive towards me. It goes from me asking them to stop over and over many times and they don't. I stop it in some kind of physical action.

[JustinSierra]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I've always felt alone in feeling this way. For most of my life, my Nonverbal Learning Disorder has never been considered on the spectrum until my mid 30s. I'm still struggling to work with coping and finding ways to avoid shutting down and melting down. It's difficult speaking about any of it with most people as they just fail to understand which gets frustrating and makes me shut down. This has been eye opening and has given me a bit more hope for coping. Thank you so much for taking the time to help people understand.

[GasolineDiamondJD]

I often find myself in survival mode. I'm always fawning, even when someone tells me to cool it, im always getting things for them, etc. When I start to meltdown I force it back, and I go through such constant shutdowns. Sometimes the shutdown is depersonalizing/derealizing, and sometimes i cant talk, even opening my mouth is exhausting, other times I just block everything out and ignore it(which makes me feel like a petulant kid, but i cant help it). I haven't been diagnosed as autistic yet, but I really don't know how to deal with it anymore. Its like all of the masking and hiding is slipping through my fingers at the worst possible time, I can't keep things in like I could before.

[rainyomenuko]

I think that “losing” people before the end of your videos is something you may be correlating too much with your behavior. I think it makes sense in these moments to remember your audience, and even incorporate your experiences in relation to other videos/channels. I would venture to guess that you don’t stay tuned to the end of every video you enjoy. You’re speaking to an audience of primarily ND folks. Some people, no matter your efforts, abilities, or video quality, are not going to finish the video. Speaking from personal experience, I’ve often switched to one of your other videos that happen to catch my eye while watching this one, sometimes I’m about to go to the store so I switch to downloaded podcasts to manage data, or, some real life issue grabs my attention, and while in that moment, I have every intention of coming back to it, I rarely actually do.

I have heard you mention similar sentiments in several videos, and wanted to offer some reassurance/unsolicited advice.

Your success, and achievements are not contingent on others engagement. Would Freddy Mercury be a bad vocalist if he’d been listened to by hundreds, instead of millions?

You’re awesome now, and you won’t be better, or worse if/when you have 100 million subscribers.

To properly answer your question(s):

I personally prefer shut down to meltdown. I carry so much shame, embarrassment, and inner resentment, post meltdown. It’s interesting, an unexpected twist really, that now, being with a partner who is also autistic and understanding, I carry more of these intense emotions. Despite having more understanding and support I have a lot more frequency as well as intensity in my meltdowns. I think it has to so with feeling safe. Maybe because I feel safe to fully experience these emotions, I unintentionally give myself permission to fully let go🤷🏻‍♀️. I’ve also contemplated the idea that I’m testing the structure of my current relationship, having been given grace in other meltdown moments, maybe, I’m attempting to test boundaries, ensure that, even when I’m at my actual “worst” I’ll still be cared for, given that grace, and loved as I am.

I’ve never, even in childhood, been loved/cared for unconditionally. This is all new. So I’m learning, and wildly speculating at this point.

I do understand the catharsis, and subsequent flood of endorphins, possibly even oxytocin and dopamine, depending on your brain composition, as well as your environment. My experiences around meltdowns have been very scary, and often punished, either directly, or indirectly. Shut downs tended to be either ignored, or, even rewarded. So, I have a tendency to work toward the latter.

I’m making progress though. Having the space to struggle has given me opportunity to analyze, and adapt instead of barely survive. I’ve developed healthier behaviors around meltdowns, both preventively, and as well as during. During is a difficult, especially as I also have seizures, which even on their own can heightened emotional states.

My partner also has meltdowns/shut downs. Due to very unfortunate circumstances, we’ll have simultaneous meltdowns (we call them “double Patty melts” in an attempt to add levity). It is super shitty, but, we have some conflicting triggers/behaviors. As trying as it’s been, it’s also induced rapid progress, sort of a sink or swim situation. It’s very much a work in progress/constant struggle. We’ve acquired new tools, learned to adapt, and incorporated an anti-fragile approach.

I think I have a skewed perspective as I also have PTSD woven in my experience, but I would absolutely trade all of my meltdowns for 2x as many shut downs.

[cakeinthenight]

yeah I shutdown and will often result in a panic attack if I kept getting pushed and then a long depression spell. I feel like a part of me dies when i get into those situations and it can take weeks to recover.