ADHD Kids And 'Masking'

ADHD Dude provides parent training through the ADHD Dude Membership Site, in-person school-year programs, and summer camps. ADHD Dude is not gender-specific content.

𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗗𝘂𝗱𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗥𝘆𝗮𝗻 𝗪𝗲𝘅𝗲𝗹𝗯𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁, 𝗟𝗖𝗦𝗪, 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗-𝗖𝗖𝗦𝗣
Ryan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified School Social Worker, and father to a son with ADHD & learning differences. ADHD Dude is based in Tucson, Arizona.

𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗗𝘂𝗱𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝘁𝘆:

ADHD Dude is for educational purposes. I am not serving in a clinical capacity and cannot provide clinical consultation or free advice through YouTube comments, email, etc.

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[lizloukiss]

This is a fantastic response to any masking concerns. My 90 year old grandma watched this video and she said “what is this masking? This is called considerate manners and social etiquette.” And shes absolutely right. Learning to share the space, give and take, and healthy social reciprocation. It’s a survival skill! Thank you for all your great content!

[atlanticjem]

My mom raised me knowing something was different about me, and knowing that she related to me on a level nobody else seemed to understand. But also recognizing that no matter what our issues were, there was no excuse for rudeness or being selfish or ugly to others. She learned as an adult how to apply the Bible to everyday life and instilled those qualities in me from day 1. As an adult, I've worked with dozens of autistic children, all across the spectrum, boys and girls, and I kept hearing terms like "low functioning, " "moderate, " etc. And I wondered what "high functioning" adults looked like because I was aware they existed, but nobody had ever shown me an example. Yet I recognized a lot of qualities in these kids that I related to. And I credit a lot of my success in working with them to teaching them things I've learned to cope. Things that parents have loved. I kept thinking that I understand these kids in ways nobody else does. I do many of the same things they do. Yet, I am capable of articulating "why" I do certain things, and I'm capable of controlling when and where I do certain things. Therefore, it must not be autism. I thought maybe I just had SPD. But now, as a 37 year old, adult female, I've come to learn that *I* am what some would call high functioning AuDHD. The clarification in the DSM5 really makes all the difference in explaining my entire life experiences! And now we know that my mom also has autism!

All of that to say... in doing my research knowing what I know now about myself, I'm seeing so many people discuss masking in a bad way that I've been struggling to figure out how to place my own words and thoughts on the matter. Especially since, I think what's made my work so successful as a nanny for special needs kids, has ultimately been teaching kids to mask. You've explained it so well! There's a time and place for being "socially acceptable". Growing up, my family had a saying when someone did something bad. We'd say that person was "rude, crude, and socially unacceptable." We learned to recognize what others found acceptable, even if deep down we didn't fully understand why. But we also were more determined to figure out why. In the end, we still might not fully agree with neurotypical "logic". But at least we can make sense of it. So what I do with kids is teach them why certain behaviors are not acceptable and how to manage them by either replacing the really bad ones or learning when to hold back and when to be themselves. I'm not going to go into a job interview spinning around and chewing my hair. I did those things as a child everywhere I went when I was immature. Now, I no longer chew my hair at all because I've learned how unhygienic it is and I actually find the idea disgusting. But I do spin around. Especially when I'm anxious. But I save it for when I'm alone. I have several different ticks that I implement. But I've learned how to mask them in ways that most people would never notice. I teach kids just that. There's a time and place for everything. And that's just growing up and learning how to be mature. The higher "functioning" an individual is, the more capable they are of grasping that concept and implementing it. But even the individuals with the highest support needs or most comorbidities that influence their mental abilities can learn when some things are never appropriate or only appropriate at certain times.

I find a large disconnect between parents of higher support needs kids and lower support needs adults. The adults think they need to be more accepted and allowed to mask less. The parents see their kids struggling and know that they NEED to develop so many masking strategies if they will ever be accepted in the community. There's not much of a balanced perspective between the two groups because they rarely crossover and interact. I'm working with these kids every day and I see the struggles and the need for masking skills. I've mastered many of them. I see the value in my ability to teach those skills. Yet, I fully empathize with the adults who wish they didn't have to mask so much. It would certainly be nice if it were more socially acceptable for me to sit in ways I find more comfortable. I feel bad for the kids when I'm working with them and the parents are so adamant about making them sit certain ways when they're forcing the kids to sit in ways I find so awkward and uncomfortable. Yet I'm being paid to enforce what the parents wish. And I get why they're doing it. But it's just sad that this is the world we live in.

I work mostly with boys that are tween or in their early teens. So I get what you mean and behaviors that make females feel unsafe. I've had young boys pull down their pants randomly in public, repeat curse words over and over, put their hands down their pants, etc. Those things absolutely require training and masking strategies to understand that they're not appropriate or acceptable. Ever. Some of those kids need more extreme rules placed on them in other aspects of life to reinforce learning how to control the really bad behaviors. So I also get why maybe making them sit up in a chair with both feet on the floor might be the distraction they need to keep them from pulling their pants down just because. Even if they're just sitting in front of a TV watching it for fun on a break. It's all about finding a balance for everyone and yes, much of it boils down to good manners and being socially acceptable. As a Christian, I also know that while I may not be out winning popularity contests, I do want to represent the Most High God appropriately and at least show how a Christian should behave at all times. That motivation is key for me to do my best at all times. And when I work for a family that has the same beliefs, it's easier to motivate the kids in the same line of thinking because they want to please God. Self control is one of the Fruitages of the Spirit listed in the Bible. As is patience. Those attributes are harder to learn for those of us with autism, yet all the more important for us to learn!

[JM-ouro]

You're the best children's ADHD expert on YouTube BY FAR. How do your videos not have more views? No, ADHD does not give us or our kids free passes to be "self-loving" narcissists. It's not even about being liked or not. It's about observing the Golden Rule and caring for and about others. The way we develop self esteem is by doing esteemable things to the best of our abilities. There's no free ride, even with ADHD. Keep up the great work, and never compromise on these things. It's all so helpful.

[holleighlordel]

That’s a very interesting way to describe things, I think you’re 💯 correct. And thank you for teaching those young men social appropriateness!! I’m new to all this but I will keep it in mind to explain to my 7yo girl that she needs to listen to others even if she’s not actually interested. There’s so many things I just assume she knows because I’ve known them forever and don’t even remember my own learning process. It’s good to have what she doesn’t automatically know pointed out to me.

[calamitypip]

Thank you! I love how succinct you are at giving out important messages. Damn right not masking makes some one with ADHD hard to like. One way conversations make one feel erased and irrelevant.

[chrissybutterfield]

Thanks so much for this insight. One of the things I’ve loved about behavioral therapy for my family is that it doesn’t ever teach, “this is how you are and people just need to love you for you.” It teaches you how to improve behaviors that cause relationship problems. I want my kids to have friends and good relationships which mean they need to understand good social skills. Thanks for reinforcing that it’s okay to learn social skills and manners, not to be a “people pleaser, ” but as more of a golden rule “treat other the way you would want to be treated.”

[moongoddess]

Yes! It drives me CRAZY that my mostly neurodivergent family does not do fakeouts but I do. So they will interrupt, change the subject, walk away. In the meantime they will go on and on about stuff they care about. What do you want, masking or rejection sensitivity dysphoria? If I feel like I can cope with it, I share small soundbites about my life. But otherwise, I stay pretty quiet. Social skills training is part of ADHD treatment, and it’s important!

[sabrinasorella]

Keep it up ADHD dude! Always speaking the truth.

[toolgirl]

Yes yes yes!!! My son is 8 and has other things going on too. This is what I will start to add to what all we do with him❤ We make things fun and as of now he has the best positive outlook.

[michelleocampovillafania]

I just stumbled upon your channel. Ive a 7-year-old son with adhd and we've been struggling w rudeness and defiance. The information you provide is very helpful -- thank you so much!

[blairblanks]

Masking is simply understanding and adherence to social appropriateness. All kids need to learn this.

[rot]

You’re amazing! I find your videos so helpful and insightful.

[Escpe_velocity]

Thank you for sharing this regardless of popularity from everyone... however now im confused...What is the misuse of that term then? I am trying to understand what masking really means then because I think there's a difference in basic human decency and social appropriateness versus a person hiding who they are when we have adhd. How would you approach this? Thanks in advance for your response.

[DaniLong]

When you teach it explicitly, the individual can take control of the behavior. Nothing wrong with this. Better to teach it explicitly so the rules of social interactions can be discussed and understood intellectually if they don't come naturally. Decoding social behaviors and what the structures are gives us power to manage friendships and other social interactions with determination, not luck or happenstance.

[gabriellahsdancingheart]

I hope you include why you teach them to mask and which aspects of ADHD to mask, as well as when it's appropriate to relax from masking.

[CT-]

To be honest, I was ready to leave a nasty comment just from the title. I'm glad I watched the video first!
I definitely would not call this masking, this, to me is learning appropriate social skills.
My little has been truly masking many of his autistic traits at school for the last few years. Let's just say his home self and school self are very different. That said, he knows he can come home and decompress without worrying how others see him.

[molivah]

Question for ya, since you’ve probably worked with kids that have both adhd and autism simultaneously, and also kids that have one or the other. Generally speaking, would you say those deficits with social reciprocity are more pronounced in those with autism/both instead of ADHD only or about the same? Reason I ask is my 6 yr old has both and we wonder how much of his social behavior is because of the autism side. we really try to teach manners to him but he either doesn’t care or want to try in the moment or forgets to if im not there for prompting him and its infuriating. Admittedly that’s mostly with family, so yeah that’s not the same as his peers, but its mostly only when we can see that. I haven’t taken your social skills course yet, but I will soon

[gabriellahsdancingheart]

I see what you mean now. I agree the term masking is overused for times like this and that thisnis not masking.

I explain to my kids that moments like you describe are opportunities to add value to someone's life.

[tigisttemesgen]

I agree with you but i think you are using the wrong word 'masking'.

You should come up with the right word. Because what you describe I dont think its masking.
I teach my child the same concept if he treat others the wrong way, I will ask him if I do that to him how that it makes him feel? If he says not good, I explain it doesn't feel good to others when you do this things aswell and he need to treat others the way he wants to be treated.❤