What Lack of Empathy Really Means

Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is crucial for healthy social interactions and relationships. However, various personality disorders exhibit different manifestations of a lack of empathy. Antisocial individuals, often associated with traits of impulsivity and disregard for social norms, display a shallow or superficial understanding of others' emotions, primarily driven by self-interest. Sociopaths, typically characterized by a history of behavioral problems and deceitfulness, also exhibit a limited capacity for empathy, viewing others as tools to be manipulated for personal gain. Psychopaths, with their characteristic charm and lack of remorse, demonstrate a complete absence of empathy, allowing them to exploit others without guilt or remorse. Notably, psychopathy is strongly associated with a lack of empathy and is linked to a range of antisocial behaviors. Narcissists, focused on maintaining their inflated self-image, may lack genuine empathy, as their concern is primarily self-centered. Similarly, individuals with borderline personality disorder may struggle with empathy due to their intense emotional fluctuations and difficulties in regulating emotions and maintaining stable relationships. Overall, while the lack of empathy presents differently across these disorders, it undermines the capacity for genuine emotional connection and can lead to harmful interpersonal dynamics.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles and books in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

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00:00 Introduction
00:20 What is a lack of empathy?
00:44 Antisocial lack of empathy
03:10 Sociopathic lack of empathy
03:25 Psychopathic lack of empathy
05:11 Narcissistic lack of empathy
06:29 Borderline lack of empathy

[katieg]

They also used to think that people with autism didn't have empathy or 'theory of mind.' I think it's amazing how our understanding of the human mind is changing and developing. The empathy thing is such a crucial thing when you talk about reducing stigma, because people will be much more likely to be helpful and understand a person that struggles with their emotion regulation but has the capacity for empathy, rather than the old view that people with BPD are just attention seekers who are looking to manipulate and drag other people down to hell with them.

[boldintrovert]

My experience of lack of empathy in someone with diagnosed BPD (who does also have narcissistic traits) is more an issue of projection. Rather than actual empathy, *_he projected his experiences onto my life._* I do not doubt that he has BIG emotions around his experiences and, in assigning the same ones to me, he believes he is actually being _overly_ empathetic. Except they are not my experiences or emotions. He *_adamantly denied my actual struggles_* and instead told me what I was experiencing. He was not trying to put himself in my shoes, he was trying to put me in his.

[VeronicaNicole]

I so appreciate your ability to communicate how devastating it is for someone with BPD traits after they act out. I was always trying to get my ex husband to understand the pain I was in and how sorry I was after I acted out but he just saw it as I did these things purposefully and thought I had no empathy for him yet an overload of empathy for others and that was devastating to me that he thought that about me although I get it. I’m not trying to justify but having someone like yourself explain and understand really helps to enable those who struggle to get better so thank you. Understanding my struggles and learning better ways has been life changing for me! I understand now that not only can I do better but I can choose relationships with people that are more complimentary with myself and my struggles.
And thank you for recommending the DBT in MI. I’m going and it’s been wonderful! 💞

[ladybaabaa]

I have BPD and do feel intense regret and guilt after splitting on a loved one. But I also have high antisocial traits, so I definitely lack empathy in most other situations and with people I don't love deeply or bond with. In a way, I feel like those antisocial traits protect me from some of the pain of the BPD.

[SarahLB]

I know someone who says she doesn't feel guilt. I guess she is quite lucky because i feel a lot of guilt and shame. Sometimes i dont feel worthy of love, which coincide poor self esteem but it seems to be less prominent now than when i was much younger. I was very shy, lacking in confidence.
This person i was talking about seems to fit the discription of a person with antisocial personality disorder, she is calculating, but impulsive. She loves socialising and loves being the center of anything risky. It borders but never goes over into anything illegal. She went for a job interview and didnt tell the interviewer that she was not qualified for or had experience in the job, she got it and then learnt on the job what to do. I could never do that. We have lost contact. It was interesting because she seems to get along just fine.

[tamybartok]

I tend to switch off my empathy towards certain people. I know it's a trauma response. I have very protective/controlling parents. This made me an extreme people-pleaser. And when it's impossible for me to please someone I start to hate, demonize them and start seeing them as all bad monsters. Now I don't know if this is splitting or what, but I also forgive people then the empathy returns and the regret kicks in if I hurt them. There are only one or two people in my entire life whom I couldn't forgive. Usually ones whom I couldn't avoid or push away with my abusive behavior, or they stopped rejecting me. Probably my ugliest trait is this 😢

[plaster.art.ho]

U r honestly sucha breath of fresh air. Thank you, 🥺

[CB]

What I'm seeing with my friend who has bpd is that he's incredibly self centred and unable to see me. I don't exist as an entity of my own, with needs and desires. I exist to serve him, to parent him, to look after him. Even when I'm ill, he'll make demands of me. When I explain how lonely I feel, how uncared for I feel, it becomes about him again. How dreadful he feels for neglecting me. He refuses to do any work in therapy, always an excuse, he wants me to do it all for him. I'm beginning to realise that my needs will never be met through this friendship. Yet when I try to extend my circle, he's inviting himself along! I have to be very careful about thinking he cares about me. If I'm expecting the interaction to be about me, I have to not answer the phone or make myself busy. Those are the times I'm mostly likely to burst into tears. Just take take take. It's exhausting and yet I feel trapped

[morgs_]

I’m totally empathy deficit. At times, now realizing it can turn on and off. Whether I do it or I’m unaware in the moments I should turn it on. It’s really hard to cope with this brain, not knowing if it’s antisocial disorder with narcissistic personality traits or social path with narcissistic traits. There’s so much information and everything manifest in an individual differently. It’s been a long road with only self awareness and self analyzing. So confusing and my mental healthcare sucks. Thanks for the videos.

[mickeysmith]

I’ve been working with a therapist who specializes in treating cluster B patients. I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline and we’ve come together to the conclusion that I have a few very strong anti-social traits specifically around kleptomania and what she’s been calling selective empathy.
I am able to choose easily who to empathize with and if someone to me seems unworthy of empathy I simply don’t feel it and can easily manipulate them or cause harm with no regret though I do feel shame. It’s not the kind of person I want to be and I am trying to learn more empathy for others

[Elaphe]

In my youth I had little empathy. Now I feel terrible about certain things; I didn't cause major harm, but I was very shallow. Very frustrating not to be able to apologize to some people. I can see, because my own experience regarding this subject, that it is possible to change even in latter years.

[soupcastle]

I have ADHD and was just diagnosed 2 years ago. My Wife has notice I have a lack of empathy. I can act like I have empathy through social ques but now I see I tend to focus a lot on my self and what others can do for. I have been doing this my whole life. How can I work on my empathy

[GrLawofLiberty]

Long read-
The deeper i dive into psychological theories, the more i understand myself and the reasons for the way i am. Changing DEEP seeded responses and reasonings is proving to be a near impossible feat.
I know the foundations of these things and yet still cant change them.
Its a character fault that developed as a result of childhood traumas. Ive spent years reading, watching, etc to all forms of psychological approaches.
I dont want to be the way I am. I want to connect with people but spending so much time diving in myself and trying to resolve issues has really only made me realize some people just cant be "saved", so to speak.

Ive changed the major impactors i experienced my childhood v. what my children are experiencing, like a secure and stable home, remaining with my wife and fighting for that. There's more, but ya. All i can do is work hard so my children dont experience what i did as a child and ive done decent at it.
Just sucks knowing and understanding my internal issues and being unable to completely resolve them, even with all the time ive put into changing. Feels like ive "hit the limit" of change one can make.

[Steve-gcnt]

I knew a narc who couldnt empathise yet genuinely thought he could. He didnt have a clue.

[Sunflowerkisses]

My spouse has bpd and he lacks empathy. I recently shared something that I was going to start addressing g from my childhood and he just sat there. He does this often. A lack of emotional connection makes me feel as tho he doesn’t care 😢

[ironreeve]

As someone who struggles with empathy and tries hard to combat it, i try to be the best I can to be "normal." I do feel empathy, but its extremely easy for me to ignore it or for .y mind to blot it out, because of my deep-rooted negative traits that, despite my best efforts, persist.

I make sure to do the right thing --I don't intentionally manipulate or belittle other people, nor am I umfeeling for people, but I dont understand how people feel, how to handle situations that arise from the disconnect caused by my lack of empathy, and feel the emotions in different ways on a fundamental basis that causes a massive disconnect from other people.

I do my best to understand, because even in situations where my empathy might be lacking, I try my hardest to be empathetic and sympathetic to most situations, even if I fail. Not entirely sure what's wrong with me, if I'm a narcissist like people in my family are, or if I'm a phsycophath, or just plsin broken, but I do know it sucks and im trying to overcome it.

[_Bleh_]

I'm just watching to really get a better understanding on these types of topics and open my mind more

[red_moon]

I have a friend who told me he lacks empathy. I come here to see to understand what that really means. currently, he's been making me feel bad for not showing up to his birthday party. the thing tho, there is someone there who assaulted their gf and they're his best friend. I stood my ground and I have said for the past two weeks that I can't go to his party bc I can't just push past that. He has been trying to be supportive about it, but he always ends up trying to make me feel bad. I started to feel the effects of he has said to me, so I talked the person that assaulted their gf to get a better understanding of why he stays with them. My friend told me not to as he was the topic of discussion so he told me when we all can we can discuss it. but i knew how it would be, if i would talk to this person while he's there, i would've been labeled as a bad person from the both of them. so i went behind his back cause i got tired of him telling me what to do, the person degraded the hell out of me and told me that i was the pollution of the world and i was a terrible person for going behind his back to just talk to them, i stood my ground and told them the real reason of why i did it. they apologized and thank me for even seeing their side of the story. and i understood why he was still with them, but at the same time, THEY are the shitty person. my friend now is currently upset at me, bc i went behind his back and talked about him, i told him the entire time tho i was talking about how great of a friend he was to me and how i did it so that it could be one on one with me. i told him how this person degraded me and told me how bad a person i was, and he tells me "i know he wrote it with me on call" i just look at him and say "what?". My friend tells me he lacks empathy and he didn't care if he said all of these things. he cares i talked about him and how i did it. he tells me he a control freak and if he hears something about him, he needs to be there, even if it's small. he cares about his image and that he doesn't have time for feelings. in this moment, he is still upset i went behind his back, regardless of the answer of why i did it. my actions speak louder then my words. and i have a feeling we aren't gonna work out soon.

[Bambi-dx]

I came down with pneumonia and now ex boyfriend told me "thats ok" such a rude thing to say . He told me i deserved it because i left him for someone else. I think he probably had antisocial personality disorder. Is there any wonder I am single?

[hazybonita]

I don’t have nor do I believe I have any of these disorders, but I do know that I struggle with empathy. I feel like a good example would be when a friend of mine went through a breakup and I could only think about how annoying it would be to constantly comfort her. The only reason I did was so she would get over it and wouldn’t come to me about it all the time . I feel wrong about it sometimes, but I really only go out of my way to comfort someone if I feel like their situation will affect me in any way.
I do think its normal to not feel too much when people talk about bad things in their lives or their troubled pasts because its not like you yourself are going through it, but I do lie a lot about being an empath and feeling bad for them. I don’t think they should have to go through bad stuff and feel like I don’t care.