Four Subtle Ways You Can Show Lack Of Empathy

Empathy is key in relationships. It allows us to connect with others and understand their feelings. In this video, I share four subtle ways you can show a lack of empathy without realizing it. By being aware of these behaviors, you can work on improving your ability to connect with others and build better relationships.

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[moxiousch]

Oh boy! The storytelling and advice-giving especially is something us folks with ADHD do. We get really into a conversation and immediately generate our own associations, even interrupting and speaking over others due to higher levels of impulsivity - it can be unsatisfying to direct so much attention to intently listening. I recognize this in myself and dislike it as I DON'T want to be a selfish conversationalist! This video was a really good reminder about simple ways we can undermine our social relationships with people and how to change that.

[alexisb.]

Empathy is challenging in a world that doesn't value it, but the world certainly needs it more and more. ♥️

[politereminder]

1) *one upping* . Eg. telling your experience that was worse. Trying to win the "whose experience was worse" game –> person feeling pretty for their pain. INSTEAD. ask them to share more
2) *Shutting things down* ie. Response that closes off opportunity for sharing more. –> reserved person stopping and not sharing details because you've already given a closing statement. Some people need permission to give more details, so ask for more and show interest
3) *storytelling* ie. highjacking the conversation with a long story of your own –> derailing convo –> it being difficult to go back to original story. Instead ask for more info and listen
4) *Educating, advising or fixing.* Eg. Giving unsolicited advice or solutions Coming from a place of authority and knowledge–> coming across as knowledgeable BUT unrelatable. And leaving person feeling chastised or shamed. Better to acknowledge positive outcomes. Ask if they have tried something you would otherwise have advised instead of chastising them for not doing as you would have done. Ask. Continue the conversation.

THEME S OF EMPATHETIC RESPONSES:: ask questions. Be curious. Get more details. Resist criticising and judgments. Place yourself in their position. Listen intently. Ask questions. Repeat what you understand fromthey are saying. Resist statements that criticize or judge.

[deadnamedex]

As I’m older now, I feel very much narcissistic in many ways in my personality. I agree and appreciate this video very much as I have these issues at times and feel I really would prefer too care more about other, especially physically showing it. These tips was a wonderful reminder of how I can help to preserve kinship without feeling as if I’m just being told I’m an evil person.

[addysaw]

I used to display empathy but I started ''switching it off'' because:

A) Everyone was complaining to me all the time about the most mundane, first-world-problem-ish issues
B) To protect my own mental health and not be constantly bombarded with other people's issues

We all have baggage. Trying to limit this baggage to a carry-on size may make life a much more fun experience for all of us.

[amandaharris]

This honestly feels like a personal attack, I was like no I think I'm good, I'm empathetic, then I realized I do ALL OF THIS 😭😭

[Catlily]

Lack of empathy to me means you don't care about other people. I have ADHD and probably Autism. My social skills are bad. It doesn't mean I don't care about people. I think there is a difference between someone who doesn't care and someone who doesn't know how to show they care.
I have been working on social skills for 3O years. I have improved but I will never match the average person.
But I care more than some of the smooth talkers.

[ThatFlamingFroggo]

I feel like this is based on a neurotypical perception. There is power in empathetic storytelling. There is power, in sharing stories with one another, when stressed, or sad. I also understand that sometimes some people just need to vent. But, you solve that by asking what they need. "Do you just need an ear right now?" or "Do you need help? Advice?" or "Is it alright, if I share with you...?" Empathy isn't just following a script, which just leaves me with a bad feeling. I personally, have moments where I appreciate someone telling me how they can relate, through a story. I have moments where I just need to vent. I agree with some of these points, but no to the storytelling being a lack of empathy. It really depends on the context of course, but. No, storytelling can share a lot of perspective, and empathy. I think this might be an issue, between different neurotypes, but overwhelmingly when I story tell with other neurodivergent people, it's something that brings us together. Communication of said empathy only becomes a problem, if there is only one script.

[TheStoicApe]

It's funny to see that empathy correlates with curiosity in safe environment, that's why children feeling safe and comfortable are more empathising.
With age we lose the patience to know and curiosity to learn, we develop a bias with age that naturally turns down our empathy.
Very informative video ❤️

[celyr]

I looked at myself in this minor and realized how much I lack showing empathy! Thank you Dr Tracey for helping me see this!

[Aloszka]

Love the video! That's what I needed. I'm autistic and I had to discuss this issue in therapy, because apparently I never ask any questions or show interest, and I tend to respond instead with solutions and make everyone hate me. This is so difficult and I wish it was natural for me. It takes so much thinking and focus to remember to ask questions and just recognize what I heard without giving solitions

[bethanyrochester]

I feel like I have decent empathy but I also feel like I SUCK at conversations. Many times, I will do number 3 just because I’m so nervous while talking to someone and I don’t know how else to engage other than rambling. And the whole time my heart rate is sky high and I’m trying to figure out how to get out. It feels more like anxiety than lack of empathy because I always realize I do it and beat myself up for it and sometimes try to follow up with a text message or email in the next couple days asking more details because that’s easier for me than a face to face conversation.

[timothyfitz]

I really enjoyed this video, Dr. Tracey! Very informative and thought-provoking.

When I was younger, I had the opposite problem. I think I showed too much interests in other people's problems. People would often dump their issues on me and expect me to solve them. I had a "friend" who used call me and talk for hours, and not once would he ask how I was doing.

Over the years, I have learned how to spot and avoid emotional vampires. With them, a lack of empathy is like holding up a crucifix.

[iam_sherlocked]

as someone who's neurodivergent... I do struggle with social situations and cues. I jump from topic to another. I tell stories, but I didn't know it was a bad thing. I consider myself as an empathic person tho. I just communicate differently and show my empathy in a different way.

[flowerprincejess]

I love this! That 4th one needs to be screamed to the people in the back! My husband and I talked about that earlier in our relationship and it's important!
It's not always "here's my gripe, got any advice". Sometimes it just "I don't need help with this but I need to vent about it"

[keithcass]

I storytell all the time. I thought of it more as a way to get to know each other than being unempathic.

[nj.]

These are great ways to respond in a validating way, but with caveats.
1) mind reading is a problem for neuro divergent people, and it can be healthier if they don't try (not that this is all mind reading) idk about that I'm not a therapist.

2) if you're reserved and not willing to share, the other person probably knows this and might just be waiting for you to open up. "sorry that happened" isn't a closer, you can always continue after that. Both need to take initiative to communicate if friendship is to work. If you feel unheard and need them pushing, tell them that, they might just think you share as much as you want to. Of course, everyone should ask questions though.

3) Please ask your friends for feedback before you assume you're the problem. Definitely try and incorporate these skills, they work and are great for validation. But for those who overthink, it can be helpful to say hey i realised the way i react when you're upset might be invalidating you, have you ever felt that? You can list the things in this video. I don't want to invalidate you because I care, do you need these kinds of responses? They might need other types of responses, or they might not be too upset by them and you can improve your curiosity and communication skills without feeling lost at sea.

[mytinygarden]

Oh no! I do this (#2 and 3) a lot. I don’t want to pry and I try to relate by sharing my experience. I’ve been hijacking conversations all along.

[sagedakotalmft]

Interesting. A lot of these things could also happen with persons on the Autism spectrum, but not necessarily due to a lack of empathy. Some of it is due to poor social skills, but some of these happen for other reasons. Even that example of the grocery store conversation could happen when someone has ADD or ADHD.

[visodette]

As someone who's been on the receiving end of these types of lack of empathy, I'm glad I watched this video to help me be informed on what is empathy, and how to set boundaries to people who don't have any of it. It can be hard to detect since I'm neurodivergent and I have trouble navigating these things sometimes, so I'm very glad I'm subscribed to you for this content