12 Signs HE Is Emotionally Unavailable

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Is he playing it cool or is he emotionally available? Understanding the 12 signs can shed light on what it means to have an emotionally detached relationship. Being emotionally unavailable refers to the state where an individual struggles to connect on a deep emotional level, often stemming from past experiences or personal insecurities. It's crucial to recognize these signs to navigate relationships more effectively.

When someone is emotionally unavailable, they may exhibit behaviors such as difficulty in expressing their feelings, avoiding meaningful conversations, or showing a general sense of emotional distance. This emotionally unavailable definition captures the essence of a person who may want to be close but has trouble fully engaging in a relationship. Recognizing the signs he is emotionally unavailable can be an important step in understanding the dynamics at play, which can then help both individuals work towards healthier emotional connections. By addressing the root causes and seeking open communication, it's possible to bridge the gap and create more fulfilling and emotionally available relationships.

In my years as a self love coach, I’ve guided my clients from every possible heartbreaking scenario and breakup, and given them the tools they need to heal their trauma and learn the discipline of self love, so they can embody their most true, authentic and confident self!

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Hey everyone hope this was helpful! Leave me a comment with your thoughts? Be sure to check out my brand new masterclass on the 3 Steps to Heal Yourself after a Toxic Relationship Ends (Warning: Spots are limited)

LoveByDesign

external signs (what he does):
1. History of short term relationships
2. puts in only minimum effort
3. actions and words not aligned
4. defensiveness (protective of himself, doesnt take feedback well, always the victim, deflection of responsibility)
5. hot/cold behavior
6. not present (text, or physically always late or cancel, no respect of your time)
7. limited compassion
8. love feels conditional (doesnt love you just as you are)
9. controlling behavior (big red flag! coercive controlling behaviors same as conditional love, everything has to happen his way)
10. numbing behaviors (hours of doing same thing, addiction)
11. lack of true intimacy (superficial affection, not consistent, haven't get to know you deeply)
12. fear of commitment

internal signs (within us):
1. you feel alone with him (cannot reach other sides of him)
2. you feel unclear about things (depends on how you aplease him)
3. you cant be yourself (not accepting who you are)
4. you avoid conflict (even healthily discuss, he cant handle it or deflect onto you)

CL-knwu

Sign 1 is not always there. I was with emotionally unavailable person for 11 years. And mostly I was the one to keep the relationship going with my hopes for better future, etc. So his next girlfriend might think that he's ok because of long-term relationship in the past. No.

sashad.

What a relief! The person I am currently grieving and working to heal from scores a perfect 12, while I scored a perfect (frightening) three. I had absolutely no idea I was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, or for that matter what that would look/feel like because it never occurred to me to consider and examine my needs or feelings. I just knew that something was deeply wrong and no matter how hard I tried, things just never got off the ground. I felt constantly "less than" and as time went on my values, boundaries, and self-worth disintegrated. When I tried to have any kind of normal conversation about what we were, I got shut down first with circular language, and then with outright defensiveness as if somehow there was something critically wrong with me because I was being too needy and/or controlling. Eventually, I just snapped and walked out (while we were away on what was supposed to be a romantic getaway - that I was paying for!!). Since then I have been working hard to figure out what happened and why I was having such a hard time recovering from this relationship. Seeing this video (and watching several others over the past few days) has given me instant relief, perspective, and most importantly - answers! Having started this journey now, I have every intention of following it to the place where I am whole, alone or in a relationship. Just whole and happy in my own skin. I recognize that my childhood and the shocking abandonment I lived with played a massive role in the relationships I have put up with most of my life. All of them are different - but all of them have threads of similarity. This most recent (emotionally unavailable) relationship came after being single (alone and contented) for 5 years. I thought I was "healed" from the trauma of the relationship before that which was abusive, controlling, and definitely an emotional desert. In retrospect, I was nowhere near healed. I had just spent 5 years living around the abandonment wound at my core that was almost instantly triggered the moment I let down my guard and let someone in. Clearly, I have work to do - but thank you so much for these answers and for helping me to get started on what I believe will (finally!) be a journey into myself.

MotherKinnie

Yes, the controlling behavior. My daughter has met one of these. Sports guy. His sport (hockey), his availability, he's got the rink girls he can talk to anytime of day. I finally said, listen there's aValentine's Skate coming up. He'll either ask you or not. If he doesn't move on. He's just wanting attention from everyone. But, your older, you're not high school anymore (even though she looks younger). The guy has to claim you. Make it known to everyone he likes you. This let's all be friends in high school thing has gotta go. He didn't ask her...no excuses. No matter how friendly he seems. Move on. He's actually holding her back from meeting someone at school/college.

kimt

I know people in long-term that are emotionally unavailable.And as soon as those ended they jump right back in to something else they just could not be alone

sylvievachon

This video is so spot on. It tells everything my ex was. The whole experience in the relationship with him was soul destroying and the scar he left me lingers long even after the breakup. I find it ludicrous that he should keep preaching stoicism and upholding virtues as his suggestion for living principles to his youtube audience when in real life he is so cold-blooded and lacks empathy. I wonder whether practicing Stocism contributes to his emotional unavailibility?

ColorfulLlama

You have described him to a T. Every single bulletpoint. Thank you so much for all this information!!

VasilikiBouras

On the first list, he exhibits everything but 1 (to my knowledge he is not a “relationship” jumper) and 9 (he does not control my person but always has to decide what we do when we go anywhere). So…10 out of 12. I even tried being friends and he can’t do that, either. And actually has no friends! I think lack of friendships is a sign, too. On the second list, everything but 3 (I am myself and I can’t fake that). I’m taking a break until I feel healthy enough to call a healthy person into my life.

riverbilly

Thank you. Thank you. I tried so hard for so long. But after 13 years I finally walked away. It still hurts, but was soo necessary

obsidyenneg

Very, very helpful! Of the 16 signs, we have about 14 of them, 11 for him, 3 for me. Thanks for this, incredibly clear and concise. Especially feeling alone when I’m with him, and him running hot/cold/hot/cold.

puff

I love the perspective of looking at signs WITHIN us, the internal signs you mentioned. The tendency is to just look at the other person to identify emotional unavailability, but checking on your counterpart internal feelings is a great way to validate those signs in the other. Great content!

lavandefille

I was fine until he invited me out. I was enjoying life, about to be sociable with van life. Not looking for anyone. He sucked me into the soft life as his live in girlfriend. 2 months in, too many questions, nothing good enough.. Enough was enough when he restricted access to my safe place, my van. He threatened that if I spent another night in my van after his behaviour really hurt me, he would want the keys back immediately. We spoke, said I need time out, he threatened to throw my things into the street if I did. (two incidences of coercive control in one night)
He would tear me down emotionally, never say thankyou or sorry unless I was upset. build me back up, Then deflect and say this all is a headache for him..
I asked if he had any remorse for his coercive behaviour... he deflected again.
As I picked up the last of my things, he said his emotions ran deep, he's an introvert.. B.S. I am an introvert.. Too little, too late. his behaviour is dangerous.

I am safe. This is WHY i have a 40k loan on this van.. to stay safe..

Trex

I seem to be in a pattern of relationships with emotionally unavailable men and its freaking me out

barbaraditri

Thank you for making this freely available. It is very valuable content.

Xenia-E-Zilli

Wow❤
The list feels comprehensive and its accuacy is a meaningful tool of self discovey and antennae-building. That we have a subconscious blueprint ourselves that has led like to draw like (even if oppositely alike) is the key — it seems — to growth.

angelamossucco

With hindsight, I had all of these things happen to me in my last relationship. When the avoidant in him withdrew and discarded me, I was glad I stood up for my myself and walked away because I could see now how this was chipping away at my self-esteem. Thanks for the video :)

melanievaliante

OMG I wished I knew this last year. Especially with the drama part. Yes, I am pretty dramatic, but this guy would literally joke about me being a drama queen just for having normal fecking emotions . . I new I needed to fecking run. .

iuliac

1. Got angry when i told him i keep my ringer on silent. "you never respond to me within an hour after i text you." Not true at all.
2. Almost all of his conversations were of controversial issues where he'd make outrageous claims and told me that he didnt care for my questioning him, asking for clarification or offering different perspectives.
3. Made light of serious topics, i.e. making sexual jokes about my narcissistic mother.
4. Weaponized the abuse i suffered from my mother as a comeback after I told him i didnt appreciate the sexual jokes about her.
5. Kept texting me unrelated pics when I was talking to him over the phone. He woukd get upset if I didnt acknowledge said pics and compliment him.
6. "Im not changing for anybody, " when I told him I didnt like somethijg he did.
7. I told him I was trying to get back with a former employer who was going to give me way more money than I was making. He responded, "Oh so that means you're going to be doing less work. Ya know? Like those CEOs who make all the money and do no work.
8. Never acknowledged any of my accomplishments but I was expected to dole out compliments when he sent me pics of his making dinner. He never complimented anything about me tho.
9. Talked about exes a lot.
10. He turned up the music when I was talking because he said the convo was getting tense and he wanted to lighten it up.
11. "Im surprised you had a great relationship with your dad. Ive never met a girl who did."
12. "I don't need nothing from nobody."
13. "Youre not the only girl in town with a mouth." Meaning...he could get oral s x from other women if he wanted.
14. He kept bringing up the fact I didnt kiss him. "No woman has EVER hidden their lips from me." Lol
15. I messed my leg up in the gym and he never asked how I was doing or that he hoped I would get better.
16. He was a man of low intelligence who relied only on what was in front of him to make often asinine claims.
17. I honestly dont know how he managed to get married and have a 5-year relationship with another woman. The guy is a total nutnik.
18. "Im the easiest person to talk to." "I've never cheated or hit a woman." 😬

Luckily, I only went on two dates with this guy and never put out or kissed him. It was one date too many.

LadyStudio

I'd love your take on how this should be approached when your partner had been diagnosed with BPD. Still Trauma, very similar to why you describe as simply emotionally unavailable but a mental illness.

emilyeschmale

12 Signs *HE* Is Emotionally Unavailable