Truth: Dealing with past Lies

Jordan Peterson answers a question about becoming a truthful person and how to deal with past lies.

Telling the truth doesn't mean saying everything about everything all of the time. You have a right to privacy.

Story of having had an affair that is driving you crazy.
What makes you think that you have any right to confess?
You're already sacrificed the right you have to be truthful about that!
Many times, the moral thing to do is to take your guilty secrets to your grave.
You're not "coming clean" about old lies if that will ruin lives.

[turmoil]

This was exactly my belief in the past. The burden of guilt is the cheater's to carry. It goes way beyond guilt. It is about breaking down walls to intimacy that deception builds. The longer you allow the deception to continue the farther you will grow apart. You never get away with deception. You may never be caught or found out, but the relationship will still pay the price.

[Papaleeo]

This is the only time I've disagreed with something Jordan B Peterson has said. I'm glad though. I'm learning how to think critically and it's, ironically, thanks to Jordan B Peterson. :)

[SpeedfreakUK]

I honestly think Jordan's kinda nuts here. Confessing isn't just about shedding your guilt and giving yourself some relief, it's about letting the other person make informed decisions. They should be allowed to base their trust for you on reality. Perhaps they don't want to be with someone who cheats on them, and perhaps they would be happier with someone else. Hiding your transgression deprives them of that choice.

[GAB-vqre]

I agree with too a degree. Their are some secrets that good people hold that are absolutely horrendous. It may have been an illogical mistake made when mad, may have been a drink mistake, or even a conscious made bad decision. Your guilt may go away from the truth. It may hurt others. Very few things hurt good people like their own guilt when they know they've done bad. I believe sometimes it is okay too keep the evil and dark secrets within oneself as long as you remember the lessons learned. The guilt serves it's purpose as a teacher. I know from my experience I have done truly unforgivable things horrendous things. When you lack guidance, your naieve, & in an unsafe bad place. Good people are capable of horrid acts given the right circumstances. Sometimes we don't deserve our forgiveness but don't need to put others through your own personal horrors.
Just an opinion from a good person who's been bad places. I have only a small handful of things I'm not willing too tell my psychiatrist but I believe some things are better left to the furthest reaches of our mind. Meant to come out time to time to remind us of our mistakes to never make them again and to help others from making the same decision.

[mecancelaron]

Peterson is one of the few persons able to get short questions and still Home-run 'em out of the park. What a legend.

[jordanlawson]

To anyone who knew me reading this I need to confess to lying, I've lied a lot in my life and I'm very sorry for it, I'll never do it again I should have known better I'm very sorry to anyone who I knew in school or in life that I've lied to or lied about, I'm sorry I shouldn't have lied and I feel so guilty about it and so I'm confessing cause I'm scared it'll come back to me one day, please forgive me and forget about it. It just digs a deep hole that you can't get out of and I don't want to be known as the one who lies. I'm sorry if my lies have given anyone trouble in their lives..😭😭😭😭😭

[turmoil]

Come clean period and allow the person to choose who you really are over what you pretend to be. A lie is an evil thing that causes your partner to navigate their way in the dark while the liar clearly sees the way

[Dozta]

I feel complete honesty is better overall in the big picture. Spouses have the right to know who they’re married too. Living a life with lies for decades didn’t help my marriage in the end. The truth will always come out at some point.

[Sam-bcll]

I was on the fence after this video, but after watching another video “what are the impacts of being lied to” I decided I agree with him. I don’t have the right to inflict that trauma on someone else. An extended lie is truly traumatic; it breaks down your trust and can send people into extended bouts of depression and confusion and conflict. Making things right means to shut up and contain the damage. Dumping my guilt onto their pure, blissful ignorance creates hell and turmoil for them, the innocent party, while I pat myself on the back for “coming clean”? I’m on my way to sanctification in the act of plunging them into chaos? It’s really too late to tell, he’s right. *I don’t have the right.*

[theAnalogManifesto]

Personally I wand a truthful relationship or none, period.

[brokenbulletproof]

honestly from my experience being honest about it and living with the consequences when i’ve betrayed a friend, being honest about it actually overtime turned out to be even better because we went into depth about why it go appended and then understood how it was that we’re were possessed, friendships grew even tighter than before weird but doesn’t mean that’s what you should do for a more tight it relationship they mainly got tight it from that commitment to the truth anyway

[tonyiacomi]

I totally agree with him. Many, many, many people just "confess" to their spouse because they want to relieve themselves of their guilt. Its actually extremely selfish. It is so hurtful. I told my spouse straight up...I wouldn't want to know if you cheated on me. It would be too painful. Ignorance is bliss. I don't want her to do it but I don't want to know if that happened. She told me the same thing. She said "Don't ever let me find out because it would kill me." Its your guilt...you live with it.

[kristenisreal]

All of the comments miss the part where he says if you had an affair and took the steps necessary without provocation to make sure it never happened again… and then his answer. But if you had an affair and never took those steps, the truth about your affair then becomes very much necessary.

[fluibertje]

If you manage to carry your guild, and not upset the life of another by confessing it, then this guild, and what it makes you conscious of, can be turned to be a gift to the world. To act for the good out of the awareness you attain by recognising your guild is the healing process?

[LegendaryBilly]

Selfish solution. Let’s not suffer, I won’t lie to you again. Oops I did it again, better not tell anybody or else they suffer. Oops, again... as Jordan Peterson once said, you are going to suffer anyway. Might as well suffer for something real.

Someone lying to the bitter end, even though their lies have already fallen off is a sure way to know you can’t trust someone. Taking secrets to the grave is showing how they can’t trust you, and you know it and you can’t trust yourself either. Lies and deception cloud reality, let’s not make it anymore difficult to see

[xyz.abc]

I don't know, but people deserve to know the truth and even if it is from the past we must confess it to the one who's a shareholder of that relationship.

[andrewgallegos]

The lies you hold and confess are subjective. Often, if one cheats it’s not typically done for an honorable cause, more so it’s typically temptation. So telling the truth in this case would save a person from a lie of a life, at least that’s how I see it. I’d rather hear the harsh truth and control my anger than to live a life of a lie

[pytheas]

Given Jordan's experience with hundreds of clients over many years; I think it is implicit that the type of lie he is discussing is very serious, in which case he gives a great answer to the question.

However, when it comes to lies of lesser magnitude, lies that one is still benefitting from, lies that are still growing in scope, or any lies that could cause any further damage; admitting you lied and setting things straight is a moral imperative.

A correct confession involves vulnerability as well as cost to the perpetrator. Confessing after the fact, and from a position of relative security dose nothing but inflame the situation further.

You shouldn't make a confession after the damage you may have been a beneficiary too has been done and which you can walk away freely from. It is best to apologize while the iron is hot, and while you can still bear the consequences of your mistakes.

Example: say you lied to your boss when he hired you, confessing the day you're about to quit is really convenient for you, but doing this dose nothing but make it more painful for the boss you respect, who gave you a chance, and who thought they trusted you. You should instead confess while still vulnerable to the consequences for it to be a valuable confession.

You cannot heal a relationship founded on fundamental falsities, because the person whom you have harmed will subconsciously resent you for it regardless of weather or not they formally accept your apology, and regardless of weather or not they want to give you another chance. In the case where the relationship cannot be healed; you make your confession, face the consequences, learn the valuable lessons, and maybe you can walk away with your soul.

[officerfarva]

Peterson doesn’t always get it right… This is a good example. It’s not fair to lie to someone, especially something that’ll ruin their health, physical, mental and emotional. An aunt of mine cheated on my uncle and gave him HIV. He was baffled, sitting in his docs office. How did he get HIV?? He didn’t do needles, he had had sex with the same woman since he lost his virginity. How did that happen? Not ok.
And then there is the fact that, by withholding the truth, you are essentially trying to control your partner. It’s wrong. You’re treating them like an animal you have caged, for your amusement, and your selfishness. Lying is never okay. It is not our right to control a person or mislead anyone in any way.

[smokonlytree]

I really enjoy and love listening to Jordan Peterson. But this is one thing I would have a disagreement with him.