LIES About Adult FRIENDSHIP And The TRUTH You Need To Hear | The Mel Robbins Podcast

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A survival guide to adult friendship: how to find your people, have more fun, and create meaningful #friendships as an adult.

This is the topic you and everyone else are thinking about.

From making new friends to staying connected to your old ones, to the thing that’s really hard: what do you do when your friendships start to fade?

This is something I’ve been dying to talk to you about because I am right here, shoulder to shoulder with you, feeling lonely, left out, and wondering… Where did all my friends go?

I know I’m not the only one because when I do see my #friends or meet someone new, everyone is talking about how they never see their friends anymore.

Let’s fix that.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on the things that I’m doing that keep me from putting myself out there (which I know I need to do) and did extensive research on the topic.

What I discovered is both comforting and empowering. I can’t wait to share it with you.

I can boil all of this research down to the 5 lies you and I tell ourselves about friendship.

These lies are keeping you from having the best relationships of your life.

That’s why you need to hear them.

So did I.

You also need to hear the truth bombs I’m dropping and the smarty pants research I found to back it all up.

Because once you stop repeating these lies, your life will open up again.

You’ll have an easier time finding, making, and strengthening your relationships with friends.

And most importantly, your friendships will align with who you really are and what you really want in this chapter of your life.

Today it’s just you and me, friend to friend, figuring sh*t out together.

So let’s go.

Xo Mel

In this episode, you’ll learn:
- The 5 lies you tell yourself about friendship
- 5 truths you need to tell yourself instead
- What I learned once I stopped telling myself these lies
- Why it’s so hard to make friends once we’re out of school
- The text from my friend Brendan Burchard that shook me awake
- A new way to think about your BFF
- Why a 4 AM friend is all you need
- The belief that turns you into a people-pleaser
- 3 practical, life-changing tools to help you make friends

Timecodes:
00:00 Intro
03:18 Why is making friends as an adult so hard?
04:52 There are 5 lies that keep you from having friendships you deserve
07:44 Lie #1: Everyone’s life is a huge party
16:52 Lie #2: I don’t fit in/people don’t like me
19:45 Research: “The Liking Gap”
25:34 Lie #3: Best friends don’t need to last forever
33:08 Lie #4: You can’t be everybody’s friend
35:19 Lie #5: I’m too busy
42:43 Tool #1: Friends for a reason, season, lifetime
47:46 Tool #2: You NEED to take action and get out of your own way
48:17 Research: How many hours it takes to make a friend
57:39 Tool #3: Send a text to someone, they want to hear from you

#adultfriendship #relationships

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[melrobbins]

The topic of adult friendship has been on my mind so much lately that I just had to dedicate an ENTIRE episode to this topic. If you enjoyed the episode and got some value from it, please drop a like and subscribe to make sure you don’t miss out on any future episodes!

[djpdyson]

I have to be honest with you. There is an epidemic of loneliness in this world and a lot of us in fact do not have 4:00 a.m. friends like myself. As a matter of fact, I can't think of one person that I consider a true friend. Someone to hang out with. Someone I can call anytime of day. I have people I know that I talk to sometimes.

[serenamadison]

I'm tired of being a 4am friend, the reliable one for everyone. It's exhausting and lonely when you don't get it back when you need it. I'm also tired of reaching out to everyone, having them see my message and not respond. For days, weeks and months if I let it be. I am now investing my energy into my own self. I reach out to others, who reaches out to me? It has to be me.

[snowbike]

I'm an "other's focused" person... I check in, help, paint with them, help them move, go hiking and biking with friends, always there in a crisis... but nobody initiates towards me. When I'm tired of initiating and pull back nobody contacts me. That is very sad for me. I've quietly ended friendships when the person will absolutely not contact me or initiate... or reach towards me. As I go on in life my friends get fewer and fewer.. and fewer. Thank you for these lectures.

[Himmiefan]

As a single person with no children, it’s hard to make friends since so many revolve around and discuss their kids. At women’s events at church, all I could do was sit and listen since I could not contribute. Also, churches are some of the lonliest places if you’re single and have no kids.

[barblk]

I've realized most friendships are based on convenience. It's a special thing when you stay in touch with someone you no longer live by or work with... it takes effort when you truly care about a person.

[mamabear]

friendships come and go. i just started calling my "friends" aquaintances because if they don't have time for you then they are not your friend. and vice versa.

[abbyschrader]

A hard lesson that I recently learned is that your co-workers are NOT your friends outside of work. Unfortunately there can be a lot of jealously in the workplace, especially among women. I think it’s great to get along with our co-workers, but it’s so important to set up boundaries right from the start.

[monalisa]

I am far from boring... 64 years old and never a dull moment. I just can't find women who aren't petty and deep divers (deep thinkers) interested in continued learning and growth. I really value loyalty which also seems to be in short supply. Finding like minded loyal friends is hard!

[june]

I am now 77 years old and I have lived long enough to have friends come and go but one thing I know for sure is how important they are to living a happy healthy life. I have one friend I have have known for 45 years and we were friends and close off and on but in the last 10 years we became very close. Now she is showing is in the throws of dementia and it breaks my heart because we no long have our wonderful talks. What I see is we live longer these days and I know you can never stop trying to make new friends. I recently volunteered for habitat for humanity and made a new friend, Younger, and I took an art class and made new friends and I bought a van and am traveling to various places and have made a few new friends. I don't let fear or any thing else stop me from changing up my life and no one knows my age because people think I am much younger in face my boyfriend is 59 and I only met him 4 years ago at a hot springs. So don't stop trying. Make every day the best day of your life. I say that all the time.

[leticianelson]

My circle of friends got smaller and smaller over time. I have learned to value my free time. I do not want to give my time or energy to shallow and superficial friendships. I can smell BS from a mile away.

[scrappysinger]

I’m a new widow; and things changed when I went from a double to a single. They left me out of what we used to do together as couples. So… I moved. New friends, new life, new perspective. Thank you for sharing!!❤

[shoshaunnagragg]

It is hard. I get sick of being hurt. I’m 54 & just over it.🙄

[Wrathofkala]

When I was young, making friends was something I didn't even think about -- it happened organically. Now, it's like where do I even start and trusting people seems impossible.

[AnnMitt]

Bonding and forming new adult friends is incredibly difficult. Don't let anyone sugar coat this topic. Adults are consumed in their tiny social circle. Trying to break into that circle is a setup for heartache.

[jessf]

Jealousy is a huge barrier when it comes to adult female friendships. I've had to dim my light in at least 5 female friendships just because each of them became Jealous, envious, and insecure. All at various stages of my life. Once I realized that I should be me and never dim my light, those friendships ended. It's okay, though. But comparison leads to jealousy and hate and bitterness. I refuse to allow that type of energy in my life. Now all I have are acquaintances 😢

[gessrinky]

Someone who I thought was my best friend said “I don’t have any best friends.” It was so painful to hear and made me realize she was more important to me than I was to her. It really shouldn’t matter but it made me realize I can’t trust myself in friendships..

[jcszot]

My world became a lot smaller after my husband died. We live in a grief illiterate society. People don’t know how to deal with death. When someone dies people say inappropriate things, they don’t show up at all, there’s fighting over money, belongings and assets. It’s called “misplaced grief.”
That’s a quote from one of my favorite writers Susan Fuller who wrote a book about grief. I found that after my husband passed away people didn’t want to come around. When they saw me and my husband wasn’t there it just magnified all the awkwardness that comes with dealing with death. I didn’t get invited to places. People stopped calling. I’ve gotten involved in bereavement and grief groups but after so many years it didn’t seem appropriate for me to be there anymore. People are closed off. It is hard to find people to connect with. And after the occurrence with Covid that certainly has not helped our social fabric! Great podcast Mel! New subscriber here. I’ve watched you many times on Lewis Howes channel but I didn’t even know you had your own platform. I’m so glad I found you on my feed. I’ve always enjoyed listening to you speak.

[BellaMarsilioRN]

Somebody wrote in my Senior yearbook 45 years ago "To the girl who likes to stay at home and party" The sentiment remains the same. I love my home, the safety, my animals, my gardens, my books, and Utube podcasters. Being alone isn't uncomfortable, small talk is torture and i tend to absorb emotions of others. That hurts worse than being alone IMHO, just sayin! Love you Mel!

[milwaukeemotor]

people say let's get together, and then when you try to make plans they're so busy it's almost impossible to make plans, and they have to squeeze in between and at the most odd times it's all about their schedule and availability and convenience