A Case Study on Narcissistic Abuse in FX's The Bear

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

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[sarahrehman]

I’m a psychotherapist also. The Bear is a masterpiece. There are many depictions of the ways that CPTSD shows up in adulthood due to narcissistic abuse.

[LindaEll]

The episode “Fishes” with Jamie Lee Curtis was the most intense tv show I’ve ever seen. She should win an Emmy for that.

[TresWinn]

Donna is my mother to a tee. My brother took his life in 2022. I swear this show was made for me to heal from this very thing.

[mizztotal]

Thank you for confirming that the mom not showing up to the opening was a purely selfish narc act NOT an act of humility. She couldn't stand that it wasn't about her. The critics have a hard time understanding the show for the same reason people don't believe survivors when we try to tell them what we went through (or are going through). Because the behavior is so extreme and nonsensical (like when she drove the car thru house). Also, because narc parents have moments of "greatness" especially if others are watching (like when the mom showed up at the hospital for the daughter's childbirth). So from the outside people think their bad behavior is a one-off, or unintentional, or maybe you're just exaggerating or being to sensitive. But for us it's a constant, never ending, bitter, evil, targeted stealth barrage from childhood all the way to adulthood. It literally never ends. We're the ones that change. They never actually do.

[teamstormy]

The most difficult kind of Narcisitic abuse is from a parent.

We listen often the "she is your mother, he is your father."
And we keep ourselves in the relationship.

It is the most dificult thing, because you love them. They are your parents... But you got to get out.

Just "get out". No explanations added, no confrontations.

You will never be able to help that person. She will never see something wrong in herself.

Get out. And be happy. Allow yourself to be happy. Do not feel bad to be the one that got away.

I hope this helps someone. ❤
It have helped me🙏

[sonjahalcyon]

Great analysis! You forgot about the part where Carmi was under the tutelage of an extremely abusive head chef, he came across as sociopathic actually rather than narcissistic, and about how we tend to attract more abusive people into our lives because it's normal and familiar for us so we tolerate it and fail to catch red flags until we've done therapy.

[rubberbiscuit]

The most haunting part of this series was the horrific verbal and psychological abuse of Carmy by one of the chefs who trained him -- the dark haired, bearded guy with glasses. So haunting because I have experience with callous, manipulative, cold people who see other people as chess pieces to play with. So expertly depicted.

[joystarrturk]

As an only child raised with narcissistic parents and who worked in the Michelin world for years, there are so many more levels to that work that play into our trauma traits besides perfectionism. The allowance of abuse by others and the deep need for their approval through performance and perfectionism is what the Michelin and restaurant world thrives and preys upon. If you asked every person in the kitchen what their family life was like growing up, the answer from each and every individual would be an abusive household. Coming to that realization in my mid thirties was extremely difficult because, just like an abusive family, I chose to quit and go “no contact” with restaurant work after having made a career of it and achieving the highest possible level. It left me feeling so lost and untethered. It took almost a decade to cultivate a new healthy career where I still have perfectionism and imposter syndrome to grapple with but I am my own boss and I still get to be creative without all the abuse.

[geric.]

As a survivor, these siblings represented past phases of my life; giving up, giving in, and going all out to be valued by a parent.

[lorimiller]

As a survivor I picked this up right away watching this series. The brother was the Golden child and the damage that was done is obvious. I relate to Cam and his perfection and doubt. Beautiful acting and a deep emotional show. Thank you for highlighting this as a tool for so many ❤❤❤❤

[clericoflight]

I love The Bear and the Seven Fishes episode had me white knuckling the entire way through it because it felt so real. Mikey, Carmy, and Natalie all developed their own ways of managing the abuse but those methods kept them in it or led to worse things. Mikey went with fight but it led to him falling into the same chaotic patterns. Carmy was flight, his work training gave him the perfect out to flee to New York but led him to another abusive situation, and Natalie always asking their mother if she was okay was a habitual fawn response that backfired by actually putting herself in her mother's crosshairs.

I also remember Richie and Carmy's discomfort around Pete and they can't really ever seem to verbalize why they feel that way. I think it's because Pete is a genuinely nice person who treats them kindly, and they're not used to that and they actually don't even trust someone who treats them nicely because they're so used to abuse.

Edit: realized I made a mistake, the character's name is Pete. I have no clue why I thought Todd lol

[ismailozerozgul]

Essentially, if you pierce their veil of grandiosity, their shield, if you become your own person with autonomy and agency (free will), they see this as a deep betrayal. This might not make sense to you, but the reason is this: In their mind, you exist as a fixed version of yourself, as an internal voice or image that must stay consistent. You exist only as a messenger and affirmation of their own hallucinations, not as your own person.

And once you show your own personality or reveal it to them, it creates anxiety, the fear of abandonment in them.

That's why they belittle and abandon you; fundamentally to avoid being rejected and to escape their own sense of abandonment.

[Annie_n_the_oldGypsy]

When the episode “Fishes” aired, my brother (we’re both in our 60’s) asked me if I had watched it. I told him I had and it was so upsetting, so triggering that it had stayed with me for days and my stomach had been in knots watching it. He said, “you’re Sugar” and I said I knew that. I finally, at 66, went no contact with our mother this past February who is in an assisted living facility. Our dad died 46 years ago while my brother and I were in college so we are solely responsible for her. Yes, she is elderly and 89 years old but I finally had to do it because my health was failing so badly. Seeing her weekly was doing me in. I know it sounds incredibly selfish and probably ridiculous but it was the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. My brother knows I’m here to help but can’t see her on a regular basis. Narcissists get worse with age, if you can even believe it. What a burden they are when they could just as easily be sweet and a joy to be around. They destroy everyone and everything in their wake. It’s such a shame.

[JC-buvl]

Dr. Ramani, you are an Angel. Thank you so much for bringing awareness to narcissism. It’s like a plague, It’s everywhere. And narcissists keep getting more and more creative because they realize the world has exposed them.

[johnnygrubb]

Re: the opening of the restaurant when Mom can't show up and turns away - the show makers absolutely did _not_ try to make it look like a moment of humility by the mom, they portrayed it exactly as appears in real life. A moment that might look like humility or doing the right thing to most people, but which the trained eye absolutely can see for what it is. It's what makes this show great, because it's very real.

[BuckleyThompson]

Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.

They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.

An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction

They give you what you asked for, BUT

[user-ow]

Although I never watched the show, I can deeply resonate with the concept of wrestling with the ghosts of narcissistic abuse, as it feels like a never ending battle with the demons from my past, hence making it hard for me to move forward or find peace. I’m constantly struggling with these ruminating thoughts especially when I’m alone, replaying these toxic memories and feelings on loop. It’s an overwhelming experience that just never ends.

[Mwb]

The feast of the seven fishes is / was my family. It was jarring to see it portrayed so accurately. Having also grown up in Chicago, “loud” families were something of a norm. But the stress and insanity of my family was awful and I did not fully understand its abnormality until I was an adult. As such, I had many narcissistic relationships, if not most, throughout my life because they “felt like home”. Only someone who has lived in and healed from this can see it right away.

[ChristFollowingNerd]

Ok now I’m going to watch this show. You didn’t spoil it for me; you made it relatable.

[Mtn]

I didn’t realize The Bear would become a case study in my own life. In every episode, it’s like peeling back more and more of the onion of my youth. I’ve spent my entire adult life dedicated to forward-looking self-improvement and success. And I’ve taken a beating along the way, thinking, if anyone can take it, it’s me. The Bear, and Carmy’s experiences (which are eerily similar to mine), has prompted me to reflect back, heal, and forgive. So thankful for that show. And thank you so much for this video.