How can I forgive myself and others? | Thich Nhat Hanh answers questions

~~~
You can support us by:

[onefordespair]

I am grateful to have been alive at the same time that we were able to record his incredible lectures. And so grateful that I stumbled upon him on YouTube by accident. I know he's just a human like us but his wisdom seems to come from somewhere beyond and it's always so touching and true to hear. I was an active drug user and alcoholic when I first heard his teaching and I have to give his words some of the credit for helping me find the strength, peace and self-respect to quit and the courage to face my problems and pain with a clear head.

I have cried listening to this short talk. I was reminded that if the soldier was able to forgive himself, I am too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing, existing, teaching us how to carry it all.

[sbeckwit]

Grandma, I am so sorry that I did not appreciate your love. Please forgive me. I was young and weak. I have become stronger now. I know that you loved me more than anyone. I love you Grandma. I love you.

[starseed]

21 years ago I did something I still cry about every day even though I have been completely forgiven but after listening to this video I now see how I can accept the forgiveness and heal. How can I ever thank you. God bless

[dongliwu]

I cried while I listened to him the whole time. I cried for the soldier, and I cried for my mother and myself. Two years ago since my mom passed away, I had been frequently going to High View Park to practice Taichi or take a walk. I looked at the sky and said "Mami, are you here with me?" I could not go back to see her since February 2019. I used to hate her and for my whole life I had been trying to run away from her. Now I understand what happened to her and what made her became like a monster for me and the family after I got sick and had done a lot of research. I began to feel I have mercy on her and regret for what I had said to hurt her badly. I am so grateful that Master has shown me a way how to make peace with my mom. Mami is still alive in my gene. I want to practice mindfulness and see her smile to me. Mami, I love you. Master, thank you :)

[kp]

Wow. I have seen a lot of content on self-forgiveness, but this is one of the most powerful. He truly is a wise and masterful teacher. I appreciate that he chose an example of something so dark and heavy - most people talk about forgiving yourself for eating a bowl of ice cream or saying something embarrassing. This is real stuff.

[mbeth]

The Vietnam soldier's past harmful, haunting action is referred to by therapists who treat PTSD as a moral injury... which causes harm to other sacred beings and most often goes against our own core being / spiritual beliefs... Easier to forgive others who contributed to our own personal suffering... much more difficult to forgive ourselves for causing suffering (and or death) to other living sentient beings... I cannot see it done other than through the path Thay so graciously and compassionately teaches here... I find this teaching about unskillful means and developing skillful means, the work of tranformation which includes restitution, restoration and reconciliation and conscious, compassionate, , meaningful service in some manner ... so healing and hopeful... Thank you Thay and Plum Village for sharing... 🙏

[Greggorious]

This is one of the most profound talks I’ve ever heard.

[floryniculescu]

I love this man. ♥️ I bless him, he had tremendous contribution to my spiritual evolution 🙏

[mernawells]

What a truly beautiful human being and teaching. I cannot imagine going through the horror happening in the world and the pain within without his help. For me he was the highest luvubg Saint or enlightened being of our time as he really knew suffrrubgxand how to transform it. Thankyou Thay you will akways be in my heart.

[leanh]

“Everyone learns from our own mistakes and unskillfulness”.
“The mindfulness helps transform and heal”.
🙏🙏🙏. I’m always grateful to Thầy and Plum Village’s Sangha.

[Allegra]

I don't know whether this will help but thank you for this. I cried listening to it. I'm wracked with guilt and have been for over 10 years. My life has virtually come to a standstill. Your words touched me deeply and I will try to forgive myself by realising my beautiful mum lives on in me.

[edgarmorales]

You forgive yourself your mindset, your thoughts, words and actions because you are in the world, restrained and blinded by the Ego (the guardian of individuality). You struggle bravely to adopt a more unconditionally loving way to think, feel and respond to every experience, but while you remain the single moving force within your consciousness, the Ego (the guardian of individuality) will eventually win.

You forgive others the same way.

For what is true forgiveness? It is the state of understanding yourself/others and your/their reasons for your/their behavior so clearly that you can say in all honesty - there is nothing to forgive.

[richardparka]

Great Saint of our time. If millions of ppl. just took 2% of these healing teachings, the path to collective healing of our world becomes unstoppable. Peace

[damianwaynerobin]

I needed to hear this today because I did such horrible things today like saying vile things to my mother who’s shown me nothing by kindness. Now I feel so guilty that I start to hate myself. This video has given me the strength to try and forgive myself as my mother already has.

[saskiazaaura]

I'm a Moslem and watching this video. After that, i really get inspiration to forgive myself before i reconcile friendship with him. I have been realized, i should forgive and reconcile myself for now not cried over fought and conflict with him at past. As everyone should.
God bless you Mr Thich Nhat Hanh, your lesson is useful to me (y)

[philmaturanodrums]

hes got proper mics finally! Every word is gold and should be heard nicely! Thank you Plum village!

[veganvocalist]

Humbled by this truth, thought I was forgiving but lately I have been in a battle with this part of my development, thank you 🙏

[chilldragon]

He's such an amazing guy, and very smart on how to use his words to teach peace. He has suffered a stroke and can no longer speak but he still teaches through his books and the recordings.

[jacquedaw]

Someone in the comments section mentioned 'moral injury' in relation to what the veteran experienced here. I found this article, here are some excerpts which I think describe why Thay's work here with the veteran was so successful when no other methods of forgiveness could be. (this is not full article and I would recommend reading the full article, I just picked the bits relevant to this video)
“Opening a Door to a New Life”: The Role of Forgiveness in Healing From Moral Injury
Natalie Purcell1, 2*, Brandon J. Griffin1, Kristine Burkman1, 3 and Shira Maguen1, 3

What Does Forgiveness Have to Do With Moral Injury?

Wounds to the spirit or soul1 can be among the most devastating and enduring wounds of war. In recent decades, scholars have worked to characterize these moral wounds and to describe their impact on the lives of military veterans (10–12). From their work, we have learned that veterans can be ashamed, alienated, and disillusioned after returning from war, sometimes questioning their worth and goodness as human beings. Combat veterans can feel like war awakened their “dark side”—a “beast” or a “monster” that remains within, belying any sense of the self as a good person, a kind spouse or parent, a gentle and caring friend (5). Some morally injured veterans engage in years, even decades, of self-punishing behavior, often with only a vague sense of what is driving it. Some sabotage their relationships, employment, or other sources of potential happiness, feeling that they don't deserve anything positive or fulfilling in life. They may find themselves emotionally numb or racked with anger or despair that has no clear cause or target. Those with the most serious moral wounds isolate themselves from intimate relationships and avoid people and things that once had meaning for them, sometimes losing themselves in the haze of drugs, alcohol, or prescription medications (5, 13, 14). Some consider ending their own lives, and some ultimately do so (15).

We argue that, when the wounds that one suffers from are indeed moral wounds—when the guilt and shame consuming one's conscience stem from actions that one took or failed to take in war—the healing process must involve moral growth and reconciliation. Here, we speak of a reconciliation between the values one wants to hold and the actions one has taken; between the person one wants to be and the person one has been; between the ethos of a soldier at war and that of a veteran who has returned home. As Father Keating suggests, the process of reconciliation begins only when one looks at his own actions with eyes wide open (1). If he assesses that he did in fact make choices or take actions that are not compatible with the person he wants to be, we argue that he must seek and find forgiveness before he can heal.

What Sort of Forgiveness is Attainable and Meaningful?
“I hated myself for what I did and all these years I've taken that hatred with me.”—combat veteran, IOK study

We speak of forgiveness as a process of emotional growth, release, and transformation that can facilitate reconciliation in the aftermath of a significant moral violation. It is an active, morally-engaged process that requires both acceptance and change. As Webb et al. (16) have written, “Forgiveness occurs over time and is a deliberate, volitional process involving a fundamental shift in affect, cognition, and/or behavior;” this shift entails releasing “ill will… without condoning, excusing, or denying the transgression(s)” (p. 220).

Whether forgiveness is needed and, also, what sort of forgiveness is necessary and meaningful, is a deeply personal matter and one that often requires painful exploration of the consequences of one's actions and the harm done to others. Sometimes, a veteran will feel that he needs the forgiveness of those he harmed or killed in combat; sometimes, the forgiveness of his God or a higher power; sometimes, the forgiveness of loved ones he has alienated after returning home. But the veteran is likely to find no clear subject who is positioned to forgive the combat actions at the heart of his moral injury. After all, who can and should offer forgiveness for wrongs committed against anonymous others half a world away—others who may be alive or dead?

We contend that, with whomever else a veteran feels he must reconcile, the heart of healing from moral injury is a process of forgiving the self —that is, of reaching an inner reconciliation where one acknowledges and attempts to makes amends for any harm done, while also recognizing the self as a fallible person engaged in continuing moral growth and development. For Cornish and Wade (17):
“[S]elf-forgiveness [is] a process in which a person (a) accepts responsibility for having harmed another; (b) expresses remorse while reducing shame; (c) engages in restoration through reparative behaviors and a recommitment to values; and (d) thus achieves a renewal of self-respect, self-compassion, and self-acceptance” (p. 97).

Here, self-forgiveness is definitively not about excusing one's actions, explaining them away, or simply forgetting them and moving on. That would constitute an inauthentic forgiveness that is not compatible with healing from true moral wounds and can, instead, compound or prolong moral injury. Authentic or genuine self-forgiveness, by contrast, is an often-painful process that entails a moral reckoning as the precondition for spiritual growth and renewal (18, 19).

The word “process” is central to our understanding of self-forgiveness. It is not an act or a gesture, but an emotional and behavioral regeneration that requires moral engagement and change
Moral guilt is often conceptualized as a constructive negative emotion—one that can catalyze behavioral change and lead to personal growth. Guilt is, in fact, an important precursor to the transformational experience of authentic self-forgiveness (21). Yet, when guilt becomes an enduring, global criticism of one's self and one's behavior—when guilt becomes indistinguishable from chronic shame—it is no longer associated with affirmative change, amends-making, or personal growth. It can become, instead, a source of moral paralysis and other psychological and behavioral problems, including the self-punishing behaviors associated with moral injury (18, 22). This is often the case among morally injured veterans, who can become locked in patterns of self-hatred, self-condemnation, and self-punishment, perceiving no way out (5, 23).

The source of this moral quicksand, we argue, is an inability to see any path toward the reconstitution of a self-worthy of respect and love—a morally intact self. When a veteran has committed, in his or her eyes, a wrong so significant that it defines the moral self and cannot be corrected, it may seem like there is no viable path forward. At this juncture, to broach the topic of self-forgiveness is to introduce the possibility that such a path can be forged and to suggest that the guilty party must take the first active steps to forge it. For the morally injured and ashamed veteran to take those steps, he or she must first understand the meaning of authentic self-forgiveness and have some sense of the process that it entails. The veteran must also recognize self-forgiveness as distinct from the morally stagnant practices of excusing or condoning one's actions—practices already rejected by those who are sincerely remorseful.

There are extraordinary barriers to reaching even this modest starting point. Those barriers may include the veteran's sincere convictions that some acts are unforgivable, that only victims can forgive, or that forgiving is tantamount to letting oneself off the proverbial hook. Ideas about self-forgiveness are often embedded in one's cultural, spiritual, or familial background, and some veterans may resist the concept itself, believing that self-forgiveness is meaningless or self-indulgent, or perhaps that forgiveness can come only from a higher power. Even those who embrace the concept may confront other barriers, including obstacles to making direct amends to those harmed by their actions in combat. Ironically, the veteran's own recognition and articulation of these barriers can provide evidence of an intact moral self that belies the image of the self as an irredeemable moral failure
In our work, we have found that the core components of the self-forgiveness process—accepting responsibility, cultivating self-compassion, making amends, and reconstructing an intact moral identity—are near-universal steps on the pathway through and beyond moral guilt. For most veterans, recognition and reaffirmation of violated values, such as respect for the sanctity and dignity of human life, are essential to the process. So too is reparative work to make right what was wrong